Come and share your "No, where are you REALLY from?" experiences...

[CupOfCake]

I'm writing this as I feel some people just don't get it. Happy to accept that it's difficult to understand why this question might be so offensive as, well, surely it's just a question...

I am British, I am English. I was born here. I have never lived anywhere else. My mother is English and she brought me up. My childhood was full of cold beach holidays and chattering aunties on the South Coast. Her family are British, going back many, many generations. All of my cultural references are British. My accent couldn't really be more British.

My father's family were originally from a Hispanic country.
SO, whilst being British, I also happen to be slightly brown, kind of very light brown olive/bit of a tan colour with brown eyes and brown hair.

I could not possibly say the number of times I have aggressively been asked, "NO! Where are you REALLY from?"

I have been told "Well, you're definitely not British" many, many times. Or told: "Well you would think that, because you're not from here." in response to any kind of disagreement regarding anything political.

I usually say originally, London (I don't live in London, so it's a logical answer). This reply is rarely enough for the majority of people.
"No, but where are you..?"
I explain which part of London. I then talk about what is basically my cultural heritage - South of England.

Anyone who has experienced this knows what the conversation is REALLY about.

"I'm English." I say.

People then often start to get annoyed. "Where are your parents from?"

Now, because I am sadly a bit of a people pleaser, I will inevitably at some point say, "Oh, well my grandmother was from..." this particular country (prefer not to say on here).

They then relax, smile and say "Ah, you're from [x country]."
"No," I explain, "I am English."
"So," they ask, "how often do you go back home?"

Yes the words GO BACK HOME. These are not obviously swivel-eyed racists. These are people of all ages and many different backgrounds, often the sort of veggie lefties who all think they're so very super right on.

UNFORTUNATELY, MANY BRITISH PEOPLE WILL REFUSE TO ACCEPT ME AS BRITISH/ENGLISH.

Occasionally they'll ask how long I've lived in England, or how I find the rain/ cold weather.

So, why don't I just answer the long version from the start? Well, then forever more I will be CupOfCake from [x country]. In fact, this happened throughout my 20s.

Just to be clear. I don't mind discussing my heritage, in fact I love it.

I just don't want anyone to ask me how often I "GO BACK" to anywhere other than London. Why? because I am English.

I don't want to have to (yet again) defend my right to be simultaneously English and light brown.

I don't want to be told that I don't belong in MY country, that I was BORN in and have LIVED in for over 50 years.

Anyone else care to share?

I think I have been guilty of this in the past, it’s played on my mind for years.

I was speaking to a neighbour and it turned out he went to the same boarding school as my husband (Winchester) and I asked where his parents were from and he looked very irritated and repeated Winchester. I didn’t meant it in the way he took it - most kids board away from home. Ie my husband went to school in Winchester but his family are from Yorkshire.

I was too awkward to over explain and think I offended him and looked ignorant.

We all know your point. We see you for what you are.

Am mixed race. Lived in the UK my whole life. I either get "No, where are you FROM" in a really patronising tone (my extremely English accent doesn't back up my answer enough, apazz), which has happened in job interviews, on nights out, at networking events...

OR

worse (imho) -

...I get a completely unwarranted interaction (at a bus stop or in a queue) like "Oh I've got a friend from India/Cyprus/Spain/Egypt!"

I'm like... that's nice, why are you telling me??

"Oh I thought you were from-"

No. No, you didn't even bother to ask me, and you've assumed because I have tan skin, black hair and brown eyes I'm not from this country. This is usually the people who are trying to prove how cosmopolitan they are by "knowing" my heritage (they are always wrong) and having a friend from that country (which they're using as an accessory).

My story is the opposite.
I have pale white skin and did have thick auburn hair, very straight, now grey.
My background is mixed. I have Russia Jewish grandparents on one side who came to the UK in the early 20th century.
The other side of my family came from France in the early days of the 19th century.
I have never really felt fully English. As I don't really fit. But no one ever guesses because my skin is white.

When I lived on the continent people assumed I was French.

It just makes fools of us needing to not make such assumptions.
The way the old white woman spoke to the charity worker was very rude and disrespectful.
The old white upper classes do seem to be obsessed and toxic in their interest as to where "did you really come from".
Maybe they never mix with ordinary people. They should do.

Off course there is. This is what most white people don't understand.

If you asked me where i'm from I'd immediately tell you I'm from London.

Now if you now proceed to harass me by asking dumb things like "but where are you REALLY from??" then that's where you start getting offensive.

You will find that naturally such people will be more open to sharing their culture/ethnicity with you.

Everyone in my office know that I am from a Caribbean background (grandparents) and they didn't have to ask me stupid dumb, offensive, questions to find that out. They just accepted I am indeed from London and that was that.

Yes, of course.
"Oh, you're English. What's your heritage?

As I said, it's not the question, it's the refusal to accept that I can look how I do and also be English. It's like I'm committing some kind of crime having the audacity to describe myself as English or British.

I also don't mind if someone says "Oh, I thought you were going to say Spain/Greece/Wherever." That's fine. I just don't want people then to exclude me from being allowed to be from MY country basically because I'm a bit brown.

It's not very nice is it!

At least now you know. I love when people are open to learning about WHY that line of questioning is offensive and thus refrain from asking such.

Me too. Constantly as a young woman, only occasionally now. I am Asian but look as though I could be from a number different places.

Where are you from? Northampton.

Where are you originally from? Er, Northampton.

What about your parents? London

(Silence followed by) what's your heritage? ....British.

Sometimes, just to shut them up I will/would say Brazil or Greece or Iran or Turkey or anywhere apart from the country my grandparents were born. They wouldn't have a clue if it was true or not It's just me being contrary. Weirdly, most people dont ask anything more about it once they "know".

It does happen less now. Thankfully.

I used to ask this question thinking it was a perfectly innocent thing to do, in the same vein as "what do you do for a living?"

My reason I think for not realising you shouldn't ask is that whenever I've been asked where I'm from I've never taken offence. I don't live where my parents live, and I wasn't brought up in the part of the country my ancestors came from. When people ask me where I'm from I've got no issue telling people - it's never crossed my mind that they were meaning it in a "you don't belong here" way. Similarly, when in the past I've asked other people the question, I was asking from the point of view of idle curiousity/polite small talk.

I don't fully understand exactly why people are unwilling to expand upon their heritage, but I've never considered it my right to expect them to. The times when I've asked it and people come back with "Sunderland" or something like that, I've never then gone, "no where are you really from?" because they've already answered the question.

It's all fucked up though, no? Everyone of every colour and country has these issues? I am a blue eyed, white blond, white skinned, half Italian. Who also happens to tan really easily (another separate annoyance filed under, yes I do tan even though I am white). I spent my childhood being quizzed. My brown haired, brown eyed mother was accused of being my Nanny. Very few people accepted that my Italian relatives were mostly blue eyed, blondes, from Northern Italy, where that is much more the norm.

Or, it just could be because people, being human, are interested in other's history, ancestry etc. Maybe, just maybe, some of these instances are just curiosity, without any racial or other intent?

I noticed a variation on the 'Where are you REALLY from?' question when managing a new member of staff who happened to be Zimbabwean. A vile racist bigot woman from another department asked him: 'WHY are you here?' .

The same woman demonstrated her obnoxious racism repeatedly to him and others via incredibly crafty comments which could have been taken in various ways.

Disingenuous questions are the method of choice for some people

I am white British so have never experienced racism. I do absolutely agree that such questioning is racist.

Something similar that I have experienced is my wife and I being asked who is our son’s mother. When we say we both are, sometimes the questioner will repeatedly ask “Yes but who is his real mother?” Or words to that effect. And I’m talking complete strangers here. Who then look mortally offended if we walk off without continuing the conversation.

This is so confusing. So are you Kenyan? Do you sound Kenyan even if you don’t speak Swahili? Because the point is this is being asked of people who sound British. If you don’t have an English accent, it does make more sense that someone may ask where you are from (like the PP). If you do have an British accent and you are in any way aware of the history of immigration this island has had over the last few hundred years, then it is ignorant.

YABU. I am don't look English either (I take after a grandparent who wasn't English) and I don't mind at all if people ask where I am originally from. I love telling people about where my grandparent was from and how they ended up in England - it's an interesting story and interesting that I don't look at all English. I am proud of my heritage. It wouldn't occur to me to be offended.

I think that woman who was invited to Buckingham Palace was bloody rude and just looking for an opportunity to get offended and have a dig at the Royal Family.

Above post in reference to this post…

Two pages in and the apologists and faux confused are already here.

Being interested in someone's heritage is fine. Asking the question, fine. It's the refusal to accept the answer that is not fine. It's the "you can't be in our club" that's not fine.

I only tend to ask this question when it's an accent I'm not familiar with (British or otherwise) and I like languages and accents so it's satisfying to be able to place it.

The most interesting/unexpected answer was from a lady who was working in a garden centre we were visiting. She was white and sounded vaguely American mixed with English and something else. I thought maybe she was South African.

Turns out she was from the Bahamas! Very cool :D

There was also a time I was taking a photo of someone at work for a new door pass and recognised she was from my own small northern town as she sounded just like my cousin. She was very impressed when I guessed!

@JudgeJ yeah it is only white people who push and push and want to know for no reason to do with the situation where I'm from.

And yes they are racist. It amuses me in a grim way when white people are pulled up on their racism, and how they'll recoil and go whooo meee no I'm not racist, I just want to know where you're from. yes why, what does it have to do with the nice elderly lady at the bust stop where my grandparents were born?

I've had shockingly racist things said and done to me. But god forbid I ever call it out for what it is.

If you're asking the POC where they're from and it has nothing to do with the situation or mutual then yes you are being racist. And I personally have only had this conversation with white people.

By 'this question' I meant 'where are you from?'

Not for the same reason necessarily, but my sister frequently gets this question because she's deaf. Her pronunciation is pretty decent thanks to a cochlear implant and years of speech therapy as a child, but I've lost count of how many times she's been asked where she's from and when she replies "here" had this followed up with "but you sound foreign?". (Just a further sign of ignorance in my book!)

How many times must it be explained? ITS NOT THE QUESTION THAT'S THE PROBLEM!!!!

i regularly get a white-wife mutated form of this nonsense. It goes, “oh your husband is lovely. Were his parents ok with you when you first got together?” I mean it’s weird. They NEVER ask if my parents “were ok with him”. Just for the record, neither set of parents were racists so they were “OK” with us being together.

ffs!

dd gets “where are you REALLY from” at Uni all the time. She actually phoned me to ask me what to say as it was becoming obvious her answer didn’t satisfy.

This was between me and a carpet fitter, while I was alone in my house with him.

Him: "Your an unusual complexion, where are you from?"

Me: I'm local, lived around here all my life.

Him: "How about your parents?"

Me: South London and East London.

Him: (getting visibly agitated) "Yes, but before that! Where are your family from originally?!"

I felt quite intimidated by this point so gave him the information he wanted. I've always wished I'd told him to get on with his work and mind him own business.

"What are you?"
Is another favourite question.

I used to get it at school too, from classmates. "I bet you've got loads of Rasta's in your family."
Was the response I got once when I answered, so yes, it does make you apprehensive to give out too much information. But then when you don't reply, you are being awkward/ have a chip on your shoulder/ standoffish etc.

The point is, that you are not like them and they won't accept you saying that you are. You are other.

I get what you mean OP. I’ve got blonde hair and blue eyes but fairly olive skin, I can go quite dark in the summer. Going back a fair few generations on one side of my family, they were from somewhere in Africa. That’s all I really know, the rest were English/Celtic. I was born here and lived here my whole life.

I’ve had various comments about my skin tone over the years, a couple of nasty ones but they were few and far between. The weirdest one I’ve had was being called ‘exotic’, I’m not a fkn fruit!

However, it’s not been on enough occasions to really make any difference to me. I can only imagine how draining it would be to have to constantly deal with ridiculous comments from people who feel entitled to talk to you about where you look like you’re from.