Come and share your "No, where are you REALLY from?" experiences...

[CupOfCake]

I'm writing this as I feel some people just don't get it. Happy to accept that it's difficult to understand why this question might be so offensive as, well, surely it's just a question...

I am British, I am English. I was born here. I have never lived anywhere else. My mother is English and she brought me up. My childhood was full of cold beach holidays and chattering aunties on the South Coast. Her family are British, going back many, many generations. All of my cultural references are British. My accent couldn't really be more British.

My father's family were originally from a Hispanic country.
SO, whilst being British, I also happen to be slightly brown, kind of very light brown olive/bit of a tan colour with brown eyes and brown hair.

I could not possibly say the number of times I have aggressively been asked, "NO! Where are you REALLY from?"

I have been told "Well, you're definitely not British" many, many times. Or told: "Well you would think that, because you're not from here." in response to any kind of disagreement regarding anything political.

I usually say originally, London (I don't live in London, so it's a logical answer). This reply is rarely enough for the majority of people.
"No, but where are you..?"
I explain which part of London. I then talk about what is basically my cultural heritage - South of England.

Anyone who has experienced this knows what the conversation is REALLY about.

"I'm English." I say.

People then often start to get annoyed. "Where are your parents from?"

Now, because I am sadly a bit of a people pleaser, I will inevitably at some point say, "Oh, well my grandmother was from..." this particular country (prefer not to say on here).

They then relax, smile and say "Ah, you're from [x country]."
"No," I explain, "I am English."
"So," they ask, "how often do you go back home?"

Yes the words GO BACK HOME. These are not obviously swivel-eyed racists. These are people of all ages and many different backgrounds, often the sort of veggie lefties who all think they're so very super right on.

UNFORTUNATELY, MANY BRITISH PEOPLE WILL REFUSE TO ACCEPT ME AS BRITISH/ENGLISH.

Occasionally they'll ask how long I've lived in England, or how I find the rain/ cold weather.

So, why don't I just answer the long version from the start? Well, then forever more I will be CupOfCake from [x country]. In fact, this happened throughout my 20s.

Just to be clear. I don't mind discussing my heritage, in fact I love it.

I just don't want anyone to ask me how often I "GO BACK" to anywhere other than London. Why? because I am English.

I don't want to have to (yet again) defend my right to be simultaneously English and light brown.

I don't want to be told that I don't belong in MY country, that I was BORN in and have LIVED in for over 50 years.

Anyone else care to share?

It can turn nasty quite quickly

That's it! They start getting very angry when they don't get the "answer" they're looking for. I've experience that so many times it's ridiculous.

@am453 Well I for one completely agree with mummydoorgirl, and I think she put it very well. If anyone doesn't want to understand, I think it's you.

I’m white but grew up elsewhere. Got asked aggressively by a black woman on the tube where I was from. No idea why she asked as I hadn’t spoken. When I told her she said “No you are not” and asked again. Gave the same answer and got the “no you are not” again. Most unnerving, didn’t know what her problem was.

Ok @Skidaramink

I used to get this a lot, having an Irish surname and looking stereotypically Celtic with pale skin and dark hair, even though I was born in England and had hardly ever left the country until I was 18. You can almost always hear the difference between 'interested person' and 'closet (or not so closeted) racist' in people's tone of voice. What I have never experienced is the persistence of the questioning to Ngozi Fulan and physically moving her hair to see her name tag.

Maybe you're right. I mean if people who don't and never will experience being grilled about where they from, say it's no big deal, then it must be true.

🙄

You can be British born and bred with ethnic heritage. Nobody would say it to a white American or other countries where a lot of white people have lived all they're lives. Even though white Americans descend from Europe and Ireland not America. White Americans say they are just American.

I'm face blind and a bit amazed that anyone could recognise someone has a great great grandfather from somewhere else, or an Irish or Scottish person doesn't look British enough. I feel sort of stupid and sort of blessed although in a general sense it isn't a blessing.

If she's just came up to you out of nowhere and asked, she sounds a bit unwell. If it was part of a conversation, then maybe she was being racist.

@BeautifulDragon If you read my other posts, you would see that I DO get asked where I am from originally, and I don't mind at all - in fact I like it because I like talking about my grandparent's heritage and am rather proud of it.

Or does my view not count because it doesn't fit with your narrative?

I have an obviously "foreign" sounding name. Born in Britain as are my parents and grandparents. We think our name and skin colour and features come from my great grandmother who none of us alive ever met, but as we only have a black and white photo, none of us is totally sure.

I have been asked lots of things about my name and look. The honest answer to all of them is I do not know my heritage back that far. And many of those asking will never get asked about their great-grandparent's origins.

I am British, that is my heritage, I have no other heritage. I have no other "culture" except a British one. But still the questions.

I always thought Americans would often refer to their ethnic heritage e.g. Irish American, Italian American, Polish American, African American. Is that a myth?

@CupOfCake Does the fact people can call themselves Irish American, German American Hispanic American or Black American or whatever really mean that the US accepts you can be American whatever your race? How come the BLM movement and the deaths of innocent blacks. I cannot forget the black physio who stopped to help an injured man who was shot even with his hands up and so many more. Yes, Stephen Lawrence and others but it would be interesting to see how the UK/US stats compare before we start liking the US for its ability to accept different groups.

@Skidaramink
It makes no difference to me whether you're bothered or not, this thread is about us people that do care.

My birth family grew up in East London so are very much British but it was ironic how some of them were very racist towards my birth father.

".......................you're not going to make out I am some kind of racist just by my saying that I don't look English"

Okay, @Skidaramink - can you tell me what "English" looks like? You were asked before but declined to answer, for some reason. It's an important point.

Racists gonna race. I suppose they've taken a break from tweeting "but she's 83!!"

I’ve had ‘where are you really from’ constantly my whole life. It makes me feel like I will never truly belong in the country I was born in. I’m Jewish, but only on my mothers side. My fathers side are Scottish Catholics. People guess Arab, Turkish, Moroccan or Spanish.

The confusion was because you said when you were working in Kenya in the 90s.

Not that you were born in Kenya.

I've skimmed through to see if you clarified later that you were indeed born in Kenya. I can't see it but I'll look again. If you haven't clarified, were you born in Kenya?

If I'm honest, it doesn't annoy me if people say they don't think I "look" English, as a stereotype might i.e. White, pale skin, blond or light coloured hair and eyes etc. But then again, what is a typical English "look"? And aren't we all from mixed races and origins of African descent originally?

Yesterday's events have made me realise how fortunate I am never to have experienced this, as a white British woman of white British heritage living in the UK. It is startling how many things you can take for granted in life. to all those who have been subject to intrusive questioning.

Suggested conversation points when meeting someone for the first time

• the weather
• a comment about the gathering you are at and what brings you there
• a point about the garden or the local surroundings
• a discussion of a popular programme that was on TV last night

Suggested subjects to avoid

• the person's religious views
• their political affiliation
• anything that people have polarised views about (Brexit, benefits, immigrants ...)
• anything overly personal (why do you have such bad acne? do you take anti-depressants?)

Which category do you think requiring an explanation of a person's heritage comes into?

Been asked this all my life. My mixed- race kids have been asked. Interesting to see whether their younger brother, who looks to all intents and purposes, white, will be asked. And to the poster that mentioned being born in Salford- well, that just leaves jaws on the floor!

Thank you @CupOfCake for sharing your experience. I'll say mine is very much along those lines in order to avoid repeating you.

Does anyone ever look at them and say "because I'm not white, right?"

Although I know what the response would be.

Accused of 'seeing racism everywhere' and all the bollocks like that that comes out when racism is, in fact, clearly seen.

I find myself doing this. I find as this goes on the original ‘interrogator’ gets more and more irritated.

There is no one example there are countless.

I find the white person in X location they are temporarily living in not the same experience. Again they fail to understand the vast majority of people being asked “where are you really from?” are overwhelmingly people who are born here, lived their lives here and sound from here.