Come and share your "No, where are you REALLY from?" experiences...

[CupOfCake]

I'm writing this as I feel some people just don't get it. Happy to accept that it's difficult to understand why this question might be so offensive as, well, surely it's just a question...

I am British, I am English. I was born here. I have never lived anywhere else. My mother is English and she brought me up. My childhood was full of cold beach holidays and chattering aunties on the South Coast. Her family are British, going back many, many generations. All of my cultural references are British. My accent couldn't really be more British.

My father's family were originally from a Hispanic country.
SO, whilst being British, I also happen to be slightly brown, kind of very light brown olive/bit of a tan colour with brown eyes and brown hair.

I could not possibly say the number of times I have aggressively been asked, "NO! Where are you REALLY from?"

I have been told "Well, you're definitely not British" many, many times. Or told: "Well you would think that, because you're not from here." in response to any kind of disagreement regarding anything political.

I usually say originally, London (I don't live in London, so it's a logical answer). This reply is rarely enough for the majority of people.
"No, but where are you..?"
I explain which part of London. I then talk about what is basically my cultural heritage - South of England.

Anyone who has experienced this knows what the conversation is REALLY about.

"I'm English." I say.

People then often start to get annoyed. "Where are your parents from?"

Now, because I am sadly a bit of a people pleaser, I will inevitably at some point say, "Oh, well my grandmother was from..." this particular country (prefer not to say on here).

They then relax, smile and say "Ah, you're from [x country]."
"No," I explain, "I am English."
"So," they ask, "how often do you go back home?"

Yes the words GO BACK HOME. These are not obviously swivel-eyed racists. These are people of all ages and many different backgrounds, often the sort of veggie lefties who all think they're so very super right on.

UNFORTUNATELY, MANY BRITISH PEOPLE WILL REFUSE TO ACCEPT ME AS BRITISH/ENGLISH.

Occasionally they'll ask how long I've lived in England, or how I find the rain/ cold weather.

So, why don't I just answer the long version from the start? Well, then forever more I will be CupOfCake from [x country]. In fact, this happened throughout my 20s.

Just to be clear. I don't mind discussing my heritage, in fact I love it.

I just don't want anyone to ask me how often I "GO BACK" to anywhere other than London. Why? because I am English.

I don't want to have to (yet again) defend my right to be simultaneously English and light brown.

I don't want to be told that I don't belong in MY country, that I was BORN in and have LIVED in for over 50 years.

Anyone else care to share?

A reminder of a by-gone times and people that won't be with us much longer.

Lots of upper class people are like this, privileged due to their class. I’ve been told off in strong terms and to “get out of the way” when I tried to queue at a cash point where 2 sloanes were off to the side not queuing. I’ve had them push in front of me whilst I was queuing to pay for pizza at a restaurant in Wimbledon Park. There’s so much entitlement in some of them, not all of them but some. Just bad manners yet they see themselves by virtue of their birth and status as having excellent manners. A few old privileged people like Lady Hussey love to play ignorant and ask pressing personal questions (and move hair) in certain situations to everyone or certain people just to get the upper hand, but I bet even now Lady Hussey is thinking “oh gosh what a storm in a teacup, I did nothing wrong with my questioning”. Lady H certainly wouldn’t have questioned a similar status or age person like she interrogated Ngozi Fulani.

I just googled the case and Petronella Wyatt is defending Lady H saying “her sin, if there was one, was being old” and excluding her by saying “most pensioners are unfamiliar with the wonders of woke etiquette and it’s pitfalls. And saying “strict new rules now re “making conversation” and saying that in Lady H asking Ms F where she came from Lady H was merely repeating what people like her and Ms Wyatt’s late father used to say.

Sigh… Ms Wyatt doesn’t get it.

Yes, that was the point. Thank you.

If you got my point, then why did you contest it?

@Onnabugeisha your example about your SA is different. Within your own community and that was the Nigerian example that was given... Nigerian to Nigerians.

Ah yes, those golden near by-gone times of endearing racists...

You're making an assumption I'm not non-white myself and don't have my own experiences and opinions. Not entirely sure why.

Nobody just stops people 'going about their day' to ask them where they're from. It's done in convo, and usually out of curiosity not malice.

I didn’t give an example involving SA. I have no links to SA whatsoever.

Im talking about those of us who were born in the U.K., lived here for most of our lives, and yet have a foreign accent. Who are constantly asked where are we really from and being laughed at or disbelieved when we say “I’m British/from here”.…but are also white.

Im not even a tiny bit brown.

(Btw, my dad was from Nigeria so I know a Nigerian accent….the comment still makes no sense).

@Brefugee

Very apt!

BacklogBritain, we are 22 pages into this thread.

Lots of people have been giving their experiences and their views.

I see you have said that people will think that you are, or accuse you of being racist and you also said that the thread is not for white people (despite the fact that many of those posting their experiences consider themselves white).

I have no idea of your views. Nobody had (until the most recent posts) accused you of racism, and yes as you have said, I don't recall you having said anyone should go home.

You now appear to be a lone voice disagreeing with the general tone of the thread.

However, you haven't really expressed any views. So, without accusing you of anything, or passing any judgement, I'm genuinely interested to know what you actually think.

What are your views on this?

To my mind it's OK until you refuse to accept their answer.

If someone said "I'm from Runcorn."
Would you say. "No, but where are you really from?"
Or would you accept their answer.

@Belimoo

I would place questions pertaining to accent with any other aspect of physical presentation (including name) in the category of 'personal questions', which should not be asked.

If you wouldn't ask a question about a visible mole on someone's face, or a missing tooth, etc. then you shouldn't ask about an accent or a name or anything else that makes that person stand out, in your eyes.

@Ringneck
Nobody just stops people 'going about their day' to ask them where they're from. It's done in convo, and usually out of curiosity not malice.
Then manage your curiosity and maybe watch a good documentary or read an interesting book if you won't want to come across as nosy and overbearing. Of course these questions are not usually asked out of malice but they are tedious, uninteresting and annoying to answer so unless you want to annoy people, preferably do not ask these questions. They will tell you more about themselves as and when they wish.

I mean people are pretending to be thick then honestly just let them.

How many times must it be explained?

Nobody just stops people 'going about their day' to ask them where they're from. It's done in convo,

OK, then why does it ALWAYS take an ugly turn when the first TRUE answer is given? Riddle me that please?

Why couldn't SH and countless other pricks just accept that someone with the bloody same accent as them is from exactly wherever the hell they say they're from?

Sometimes you have to think before just typing anything and also READ. READ. READ and also Read to UNDERSTAND.

Actually they do if they detect an accent or feel someone doesn’t belong in their area.

Why do strangers have to satisfy someone else’s curiosity about their background? Why is it any of their business? If I’m minding my own business and they detect my accent, why do I owe someone an explanation on my history and how I’ve come to share space with them?

And if you ignore them or don’t satisfy their curiosities, you’re the rude xyz who don’t know how to act in such society.

*doesn’t

Nobody just stops people 'going about their day' to ask them where they're from. It's done in convo, and usually out of curiosity not malice.

In some cases I accept the curiosity. Certainly I get Russians speaking Russian to me occasionally (and I do look a bit like my Russian Great Grandmother) and those conversations are usually fine. It's interesting to see where they think she came from as she barely spoke about her experiences before arriving in Ireland and only taught my Grandfather Russian out of all her children.

Other experiences are definitely tinged in malice and aggression. "Dirty" blood, "touch of tar", the implications that one of my Grandmothers must have cheated with a Black GI, exotic, the guy who "joked" that I was a "gypsy" stealing our very pale dd away to dh. Skin colour aside she's obviously mine. "Didn't think you lot had blue eyes" is a personal favourite. Never did get to the bottom of who "you lot" were. These are all things which have been said to me or about me during those conversations. Yes, they are the extremes but many more slightly politer people think they deserve to know why my eyes are that shape, or why despite being so long my hair is still so curly or why I have a permanent tan and when I can't provide an acceptable answer, they often get visibly annoyed as if I'm lying or hiding something.

I'd love to know who I got each feature from but my family history is disjointed, immigration, gaps, secrets, changed names so white British is the only label I've got.

Sorry but that's not true.

I've had someone stop me eating in a restaurant to ask me if I was from Japan 🙄. She was cabin crew and thought I looked like someone on her flight.

I agree, not malice but fucked up all the same.

Then there's another time my daughter and I were in the local co-op. A woman stopped her to ask a) where she was from and b) oh yes because she loves East Asian facial structure (cheek bones) and fetishised her by wishing she had cheek bones like that.

I think it ranks up there with people touching black people's hair.

I think it ranks up there with people touching black people's hair

Agreed. But then anywhere in Southern Europe or Africa or Asia, if you are a blue eyed blond, you will get the same. I have said already, and undoubtedly will get trashed again, but, it IS human nature to take cues from appearance, and to want to examine a persons heritage based on those visual assumptions. It's how we communicate that, and that, of course, can be the tricky issue.

It's fine for you to be curious but there's no need to find a way to communicate it and sometimes you'll just have to live with not knowing why someone isn't white.

I worked with a woman with a very interesting scar. Human nature to be curious and I was. But I never asked and still don't know. Because I am capable of self control and not making it all about me

No you just accept them for who they are and how they appear. Jeez

Yeah why so in capable of self control?