Come and share your "No, where are you REALLY from?" experiences...

[CupOfCake]

I'm writing this as I feel some people just don't get it. Happy to accept that it's difficult to understand why this question might be so offensive as, well, surely it's just a question...

I am British, I am English. I was born here. I have never lived anywhere else. My mother is English and she brought me up. My childhood was full of cold beach holidays and chattering aunties on the South Coast. Her family are British, going back many, many generations. All of my cultural references are British. My accent couldn't really be more British.

My father's family were originally from a Hispanic country.
SO, whilst being British, I also happen to be slightly brown, kind of very light brown olive/bit of a tan colour with brown eyes and brown hair.

I could not possibly say the number of times I have aggressively been asked, "NO! Where are you REALLY from?"

I have been told "Well, you're definitely not British" many, many times. Or told: "Well you would think that, because you're not from here." in response to any kind of disagreement regarding anything political.

I usually say originally, London (I don't live in London, so it's a logical answer). This reply is rarely enough for the majority of people.
"No, but where are you..?"
I explain which part of London. I then talk about what is basically my cultural heritage - South of England.

Anyone who has experienced this knows what the conversation is REALLY about.

"I'm English." I say.

People then often start to get annoyed. "Where are your parents from?"

Now, because I am sadly a bit of a people pleaser, I will inevitably at some point say, "Oh, well my grandmother was from..." this particular country (prefer not to say on here).

They then relax, smile and say "Ah, you're from [x country]."
"No," I explain, "I am English."
"So," they ask, "how often do you go back home?"

Yes the words GO BACK HOME. These are not obviously swivel-eyed racists. These are people of all ages and many different backgrounds, often the sort of veggie lefties who all think they're so very super right on.

UNFORTUNATELY, MANY BRITISH PEOPLE WILL REFUSE TO ACCEPT ME AS BRITISH/ENGLISH.

Occasionally they'll ask how long I've lived in England, or how I find the rain/ cold weather.

So, why don't I just answer the long version from the start? Well, then forever more I will be CupOfCake from [x country]. In fact, this happened throughout my 20s.

Just to be clear. I don't mind discussing my heritage, in fact I love it.

I just don't want anyone to ask me how often I "GO BACK" to anywhere other than London. Why? because I am English.

I don't want to have to (yet again) defend my right to be simultaneously English and light brown.

I don't want to be told that I don't belong in MY country, that I was BORN in and have LIVED in for over 50 years.

Anyone else care to share?

I'm also white British (olive skinned, tan really fast even in the NE of Scotland with very dark hair and blue eyes), I get asked this lot and always have.

My great grandparents were a mix of English, Irish, Welsh, Russian and Romani but I was born in England (albeit where my dad was posted). Because he was in the military, we moved a lot but even as a teen with a cut glass English accent, people refused to accept my Britishness.

At my covid vaccination last year, the vaccinator questioned my choice of White British (other). Apparently I was too tanned for Scotland in midwinter to be just White British.

I used to get annoyed but now I just make a game of it, seeing how ridiculous they can make themselves. The bar is currently set at the twat who told me I couldn't possibly have been born in X English city because I have "slanty" eyes.

I said very clearly that they undoubtedly have problems with racism. I mean they have horrific problems with racism. I'd expect the US stats to be far, far worse that those for the UK.

However, there, a racist might still refer to someone as African American
Here a racist would not think it acceptable to refer to someone as, for example Black British or Caribbean British. They would not see them as British.

I just said it's something I find interesting about America.

@TheShellBeach If I say someone looks "English", I mean they look white. I should probably say, if someone looks "of English heritage" but I think that is very obvious in the context of what I am saying.

Fuck's sake you are giving me grief and I am not even white? Stop looking for ways to paint people as racists.

I’m white but black hair with massive eyebrows. Had this conversation in Dubai where the locals refused to accept the possibility I was from Britain. They seemed convinced I was Iranian or Iraqi and the conversation went on a very long time as apparently the answer was very important to them. In the end I had to walk away. 🤷‍♀️

Also had it in America when my taxi driver was insistent that my turned-up nose is not an English thing and that my family is from elsewhere. After much going back down my family tree he was thrilled to discover an Irish great-great-grandpa and gleefully informed me that I am Irish not English.

When I was a teen people used to mostly insist that I was Greek or Italian. Odd as family been here at least 700 yrs. Perhaps I just look like the Romans.

Do feel a little sorry for the hate this admittedly racist 83 yr old is getting tho, by the time my grandpa was 83 he was bonkers and we’d never have let him attempt professional level conversation at a work event. I don’t think many 83 yr olds would manage a long conversation without offending someone. And for Fulani to describe the conversation as “violence” is insulting to victims of violent crime.

Asking someone where they’re from is ok. Disbelieving them and asking where they’re ‘really’ from because they’re not white is not ok. Susan Hussey would not have quizzed a white person in such a way, although I can well believe that someone of her background would say, ‘and who are your people?’.

You are in a supermarket queue, all the shoppers in front of you are greeted pleasantly and with a smile. You are not greeted at all and there is no smile.

You are in a shop. Previous customers get their goods put into a bag. You get yours handed to you.

You are waiting to be served in a pub. White customers who joined the queue after you get served before you.

You are a teacher. A parent comes in to ask if his child can be moved - the child is sitting next to a black child. No particular reason is given for wanting the change.

This is really interesting. I’ve experienced many of these things, but I always attributed it to my autism/people noticing and being a bit uncomfortable that I am different/noticing that I am uncomfortable.

I understand your question, and there probably is a way to ask but I wouldn’t know what that was.

But why do people need to ask? Genuinely. I’m white, people ask me where I’m from, I say London. They don’t then ask where my parents were born.

They’re from Scotland and Cornwall for reference. Lots to say about both areas, very nice and they’re proud of their roots.

But no one asks me… why would they ask? I just don’t understand why it’s relevant to ask a black person where their ancestors were born. Feels very intrusive.

I’m white but I have an idiosyncratic accent because I’m on the spectrum. Every single time I meet someone new they ask where I am from and then refuse to believe I’m British.

It’s not just the questions, the person’s tone can quickly turn hostile when I’m not giving them whatever answer they want. Then they tell me where I “should” be from, which is never the same place and seems to span multiple continents.

Sometimes I’m also told that I don’t look British, even though my family on both sides goes back generations to the same area. My skin and eyes are apparently too light to be British🤔

I’m actually planning to take elocution lessons to try and get a more “normal” accent because it has such a negative affect on me. I can’t imagine how awful it must be when there is a racial element as well.

here's an example.
I know a couple who have actively decided not to have children. If you asked them why they didn't have children they would quite happily give you chapter and verse on their decision and why they had made it.

I know another couple who desperately want children but haven't been able to have any. If you asked them why they didn't have children, they would not be so happy to answer your question. In fact they would find it intrusive and upsetting. They would probably try to bat off your question and avoid answering it, and would get increasingly annoyed if you persisted in trying to get an answer "because it is interesting".

Can you see why it's probably just a better idea not to ask the question in the first place? Or at least wait until you know the person well enough to ask it sensitively or you have more awareness of their situation.

im mixed race (black / white) but don’t look it as I’m very fair skinned people often ask me where I’m from originally, (was born in England) doesn’t bother me at all. I’ve had people assume I’m Turkish/ Spanish etc

On ski lifts while in Whistler a few years ago, I was asked if I was from ...

Louisiana
New Zealand
Australia
South Africa
Scotland

I'm from Berkshire. No-one asked me if I was from England. I wasn't offended. It was funny. 😀

OK?

Any "othering" is unacceptable. It's all part of the same "you're not in OUR club..."

I’m a white Australian with an unmistakable accent. Now also British citizen. I’ve had numerous white British people complain to me
about immigrants. I’m never included as one of the complained about.

i can guarantee if I was aboriginal Australian it would be very different.

having an interest in someone’s history is not racist. Asking it lolw
whata her face did clearly was.

she wanted to know what bit of the empire that we (white British) valiantly conquered can you be categorized as coming from. Because you will never be British - cause you’re black.

Why on Earth would you be offended by an innocuous conversation such as this?

Apart from one very drunk man in a pub who was adamant that my red hair meant I had to be Irish and refused to accept my answer of "no, honestly, apart from one French great grandmother all my ancestors are from Cornwall, London and the Midlands", I've never had to answer where I'm REALLY from. It must be so draining having conversations like that all the time.

I keep seeing people defending it by saying "well I get asked where I'm from when I go abroad" as if that's going to make them come across as any less racist. British people in Britain aren't abroad 🙄

I can remember asking a colleague where she was from. I wasn't being rude. She had a genuinely unusual accent and I couldn't place it although I travel a lot. An unusual surname too.

She was from Brazil. She didn't mind me asking.

This came up in conversation with a colleague earlier. He commented that I’m always asked where I’m from and I don’t get offended. (I’m white British, my parents are European and I use my unusual maiden name at work). I explained to him that while I am often asked about my name, as a white person I’m never actually asked where I am from. The only time I have ever been questioned in depth about my origins is during my midwife booking-in appointment.

Ngozi Fulani‘s experience wasn’t curiosity or interest or the ignorance of an older person, it was racism plain and simple.

@MintJulia ans when you’re in Berkshire does anyone ask you were you’re people come from?

Relate to this 100%!!!!!!

@sheepdogdelight Not being able to have children if you want them is genuinely distressing in and of itself. Having a non-English heritage is not - as far as I am concerned, it is something to be proud of. I'm sorry but I don't see the comparison.

Hell, even if someone did ask someone why they don't have children, I would just think they're just a little lacking in social skills - I wouldn't think they were a bad human being with some kind of malevolent intent.

Why is everyone so permanently offended? It's getting ridiculous!

I think that the Winchester thing is a perfectly simple misunderstanding, I too would assume that someone at Winchester school came from somewhere else. Over sensitivity seems the norm.

Did you repeatedly ask her where she's REALLY from?
Did you ask where her parents were from?