Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend sold gift

225 replies

WeIsh · 30/11/2022 22:35

I should start by caveat this was a gift my father gave to my friend. My father makes absolutely terrible financial decisions all the time. My childhood friend was admiring the object when she visited my childhood home last year and without her asking he gave it to her.

It’s worth about £2k. My father is very cash poor (although reasonably asset rich). I received a text from my friend tonight saying she feels bad but she sold it.

No idea how much she sold it for. She does not need the money but my father does. She knows my parents are struggling financially. The message came completely out of the blue.

I guess he gave it to her but that was because he thought she genuinely liked it and he is very fond of her, having known her so long. (Not to mention he is very daft when it comes to finances.) I’m feeling a bit peeved about it to be honest and haven’t responded. I think it’s quite rude.

What would you do in this situation?

OP posts:
CheesenCrackersmm · 01/12/2022 21:59

There are lot of people with no morals on this thread.

There is a difference between what is acceptable and what is morally acceptable.

RoseAdagio · 01/12/2022 22:57

You are not being unreasonable at all!!! If she knows your Dad is strapped for cash then that's an awful thing to do. Actually it's awful anyway, but the fact that she must realise he gave her it because he thought she genuinely liked it and it was going to be appreciated,when she obviously knew that wasn't true, is awful.

fruitstick · 02/12/2022 07:24

There are people who will take advantage of vulnerable people, but this isn't what your friend did. I feel for her and it sounds like a genuine misunderstanding.

I find it a harder call when elderly people give away their stuff to the people who care for them.

Why shouldn't the Meals On Wheels lady get the antique broach? Why shouldn't the care assistant to talks to her every day get the vase?

You are not objecting to them stealing from your parents, you're objecting to something because you had expected it to be given to you.

That doesn't make it right but it's not the moral argument you think it is.

I say this with no experience of elderly relatives as both of my parents died when I was young (as were they) and my elder siblings tore themselves apart over who got what.

It's not worth it.

goadyolddough · 02/12/2022 08:55

I'd send a message ...

"I'm really sorry to hear that as it had a lot of sentimental value to my dad, but he was happy to let you have it as he knew you liked it and feels like you are part of our family and would look after it"

Hobbesmanc · 02/12/2022 09:10

I'm really puzzled how at no point over the year did op not have a conversation with this long standing friend about the gift

Surely at the very least you'd advise them that it's worth quite a lot? Just so they'd keep it safe.

Fancylike · 02/12/2022 16:20

fruitstick · 02/12/2022 07:24

There are people who will take advantage of vulnerable people, but this isn't what your friend did. I feel for her and it sounds like a genuine misunderstanding.

I find it a harder call when elderly people give away their stuff to the people who care for them.

Why shouldn't the Meals On Wheels lady get the antique broach? Why shouldn't the care assistant to talks to her every day get the vase?

You are not objecting to them stealing from your parents, you're objecting to something because you had expected it to be given to you.

That doesn't make it right but it's not the moral argument you think it is.

I say this with no experience of elderly relatives as both of my parents died when I was young (as were they) and my elder siblings tore themselves apart over who got what.

It's not worth it.

The meals on wheels lady who dropped off a box at the start of each week for 6 months made off with my Nan’s engagement and wedding rings, her jade figurines, and the new vacuum I had bought to use at the house. Only figured it out when the vacuum went missing, but she and the others all denied it. Nan thought she was her long dead mother, so her word wasn’t much.

LindseyPidge · 02/12/2022 17:46

Try and ask for the money but do it in a light hearted way

GUARDIAN1 · 02/12/2022 17:57

If he gave it to her, it's hers to do with as she likes. Insensitive maybe.

Rachand23 · 02/12/2022 18:04

I’d say I hope you got a friendship money’s worth! Then block her forever. That’s not a friend you had.

Rosie22xx · 02/12/2022 18:16

I agree morally what she has done isn't nice at all.
But technically once a gift is given you no longer have any say in what they do with their belongings. She can do what she likes. You or your dad don't own that item any longer.
I just wouldn't give her any further personal items that may mean something to you or dad and tell dad off for giving it in the first place. As I am sure he would be upset that she didn't even keep it considering he believed she genuinely liked it.

LadyEloise1 · 02/12/2022 18:21

Rachand23 · 02/12/2022 18:04

I’d say I hope you got a friendship money’s worth! Then block her forever. That’s not a friend you had.

This 💯

MsRosley · 02/12/2022 18:21

NuffSaidSam · 30/11/2022 22:40

It was hers to sell.

I understand why you're annoyed but it's a waste of an emotion. She sold something that belonged to her, no need for you to be upset.

Life really isn't as black and white as you like to pretend it is.

NuffSaidSam · 02/12/2022 18:53

MsRosley · 02/12/2022 18:21

Life really isn't as black and white as you like to pretend it is.

Show quote history

When it comes to gifts that is how it works.

Should bear that in mind when giving gifts.

iratepirate · 02/12/2022 18:54

I’m not sure I’d be getting so upset about this.
If DF gave it away; it’s no longer his, or OP’s as of that time.
What the recipient of any gift does with that gift is not really any business of anyone else’s.
The part I think is odd is where friend messaged OP to tell them they’d sold it. If it hadn’t been mentioned in all that time (and I presume based on the fact that the friend was oblivious to the suggested value that it hadn’t been a topic of conversation) it seems super weird to mention it.

Gagaandgag · 02/12/2022 19:21

I’d find that very upsetting and rude!

Luredbyapomegranate · 02/12/2022 19:21

Did you manage to get it back OP?

Adelyra · 02/12/2022 20:37

OP, I realise this is off topic and it's not what you were asking BUT your dad (I don't know his age) seems a prime candidate for elderly abuse and scams.

If he is of advanced age, have you talked to him and your mum about having Long-lasting Power of Attorney for financial matters.

You might also get advice about other protective measures to help him not "give away the house" so to speak.

Age Uk have advice on topics like this.

Autumn61 · 03/12/2022 00:50

ExhaustedButHappy22 · 30/11/2022 22:41

I'd reply back with something along the lines of "if your financial situation means that you needed to do that then I'm sure my father would understand. He'd have probably ended up doing the same had he not gifted it to you as they're really struggling recently."

But that's because I'd want to either open up the avenue of her discussing her troubles to ensure she was okay or I'd want to make her feel as awful as possible really if she didn't need the money and was profiting over a sentimental gift from a family friend.

What she said x

PBHC · 03/12/2022 02:47

Just text back and say dad not sure if dad will be happy about u selling his gift to you but on the other hand he will be pleased he is bit short at the moment x hope I've not misread your tex but u r giving dad half

As been said in other reply to you he did gift it I feel half would be a good end to it

Liliuk · 03/12/2022 07:25

She really should have offered it back to you if she didn't want it. You are right to be annoyed and should tell her.

Smallonesaremorejuicy · 03/12/2022 07:29

ConnieTucker · 30/11/2022 22:40

Id say that’s kind of you to sell it for him. He really does need the money right now even if it was a treasured item.

This

BeenNeverSeen · 03/12/2022 08:17

Winniewonka · 30/11/2022 22:44

I would have to ask them if they didn't really want it, then why did they accept it and if they feel bad then perhaps they could give your father the money they received for it.

This

sanityisamyth · 03/12/2022 20:10

Has the gift been sold or have they retrieved it?

changeme4this · 04/12/2022 03:22

Generally speaking I have never understood why people accept gifts they don’t want or need however I have read your updates and I can understand how it’s come about in your friend’s possession.

what I don’t understand and feel should have occurred was your friend picking up the phone and telling you what Dad had done and that she really doesn’t want it. From there you could have taken it off her hands with your father none the wiser..

I think it’s wrong she listed for sale and waited until it’s sold and picked up, before letting you know.

Sounds more like conscience clearing to me..

PinkyFlamingo · 04/12/2022 03:37

There's making "poor financial decisions" and then there's being a complete idiot - noone who is short of money gives away something that valuable!

New posts on this thread. Refresh page