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Original poster

Friend sold gift

225 replies

WeIsh · 30/11/2022 22:35

I should start by caveat this was a gift my father gave to my friend. My father makes absolutely terrible financial decisions all the time. My childhood friend was admiring the object when she visited my childhood home last year and without her asking he gave it to her.

It’s worth about £2k. My father is very cash poor (although reasonably asset rich). I received a text from my friend tonight saying she feels bad but she sold it.

No idea how much she sold it for. She does not need the money but my father does. She knows my parents are struggling financially. The message came completely out of the blue.

I guess he gave it to her but that was because he thought she genuinely liked it and he is very fond of her, having known her so long. (Not to mention he is very daft when it comes to finances.) I’m feeling a bit peeved about it to be honest and haven’t responded. I think it’s quite rude.

What would you do in this situation?

OP posts:
LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 01/12/2022 02:07

Tabitha888 · 30/11/2022 22:42

Maybe she actually needed to money , ask her

This is a great way to handle it. See what she says, just because he DP's family is wealthy doesn't mean she doesn't need money, maybe she has debts her DP doesn't know about or he's financially abusive. I'd have felt uncomfortable about this from the begging, but it's done now. To move forward one way or another I'd want to find out why she sold it.

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 01/12/2022 02:09

ExhaustedButHappy22 · 30/11/2022 22:41

I'd reply back with something along the lines of "if your financial situation means that you needed to do that then I'm sure my father would understand. He'd have probably ended up doing the same had he not gifted it to you as they're really struggling recently."

But that's because I'd want to either open up the avenue of her discussing her troubles to ensure she was okay or I'd want to make her feel as awful as possible really if she didn't need the money and was profiting over a sentimental gift from a family friend.

Wrong quote above, meant to quote this one.

This is a great way to handle it. See what she says, just because he DP's family is wealthy doesn't mean she doesn't need money, maybe she has debts her DP doesn't know about or he's financially abusive. I'd have felt uncomfortable about this from the begging, but it's done now. To move forward one way or another I'd want to find out why she sold it.

BadNomad · 01/12/2022 02:15

I don't understand. If she was always planning to tell you she sold the item for a pittance, why didn't she just ask you what she should do with it first? It doesn't make sense to get rid of it then tell you anyway.

Kennykenkencat · 01/12/2022 02:25

NuffSaidSam · 30/11/2022 23:48

Exactly this!

Some of the responses are insane here. She's a 'fucking moron' because she didn't know the value of some random item someone's Dad gave her?! Really? Everyone who isn't an antique's expert is a 'fucking moron'?! What a way to view the world!

Show quote history

Maybe years ago you might have got rid of an antique for a pittance but with the internet/eBay and antique shop listings you can get a good idea how much something is worth

I can’t understand when your father offered it to her she didn’t just say no thank you, I can’t take it, I have no where to put it. I don’t see how it would have caused offence .

Selling it is so much more offensive and selling it for £25 is just nasty. When your father talked to her about his art and antiques does she think he is really stupid and had nothing of value.

oakleaffy · 01/12/2022 02:42

WeIsh · 30/11/2022 22:41

It’s an antique object, I’ve no idea if she knows it’s worth to be fair. Maybe she thought I’d notice it missing when I visit her.

That would seriously have annoyed me as well!
She should not have done that, if she didn't;t want it she should have returned it to your Dad.
What a greedy person.
It wasn't an antique rocking horse, was it?

oakleaffy · 01/12/2022 02:46

@WeIsh A bloke listed a very rare rocking horse at a start price of £25.
A dealer offered him £150, he had her hand off.

He then saw it restored and listed at £12,000.

this is how dealers make their money. the dealer didn't give a shit.

To the uninitiated, it looked 'Broken'...But people who collect, knew what it was straight away.

onlythreenow · 01/12/2022 03:32

Normally I would say if you are given a gift you can do what you like with it, but not in this case. Your DF gave an expensive item to your friend because she admired it - she is the lowest of the low for then selling it, and how she had the brass neck to actually tell you!!!!!!

Either she has to keep it for ever, even though she never asked for it, maybe she has nowhere to put it or it looks out of place.

If that was the case she shouldn't have accepted it in the first place.

icelollycraving · 01/12/2022 04:06

If it was on marketplace, have they collected? I hope she didn’t say ooh sorry, it’s worth 2k, can I have it back?! If they haven’t collected, then just cancel the listing.

MsBucket · 01/12/2022 04:19

Georgeskitchen · 30/11/2022 22:51

You probably need to have a conversation with your dad about giving valuable items away. He's at risk of being exploited.
Also have a firm word with your friend about accepting valuable gifts from your dad, roughly translated as "Don't f**king accept anything

Completely agree as who knows what else he has been giving away when he clearly needs the financial help. And also, if your friend didn’t need the money, why did she sell it? That part doesn’t make sense. If she is a family friend and she didn’t like it, she could have politely declined or she could have just given it back.

MsBucket · 01/12/2022 04:30

WeIsh · 30/11/2022 23:41

@Aroundthetwist Yeah basically. Just had a chat with her. She said she was humouring my father because he likes to talk about his art and antiques (he can talk a glass eye to sleep). She said she wasn’t actually keen on it but didn’t want to offend when he insisted she took it. She said she sold it because her partner hated it and complained it was taking up too much space. She had no idea it was valuable. It’s an acquired taste for sure but it sold within an hour of her listing it so someone saw it was worth something.

My father was stupid for giving it to her. This is just one example of a litany of bad financial decisions he has made.

I can see she listed it on FB marketplace a few hours ago. She has messaged the buyer but I accept we are probably not going to get it back tbh. Not feeling particularly happy right now but I’ve got to calm down and get ready for work tomorrow.

@WeIsh Op, does this mean the buyer hasn’t picked it up yet?

Liorae · 01/12/2022 04:32

WeIsh · 30/11/2022 22:43

@Tabitha888 She doesn’t need the money. Her DP is from an extremely wealthy family.

That doesn't mean that she has access to his or his family money.

rippleraspberry · 01/12/2022 04:33

WeIsh · 30/11/2022 23:41

@Aroundthetwist Yeah basically. Just had a chat with her. She said she was humouring my father because he likes to talk about his art and antiques (he can talk a glass eye to sleep). She said she wasn’t actually keen on it but didn’t want to offend when he insisted she took it. She said she sold it because her partner hated it and complained it was taking up too much space. She had no idea it was valuable. It’s an acquired taste for sure but it sold within an hour of her listing it so someone saw it was worth something.

My father was stupid for giving it to her. This is just one example of a litany of bad financial decisions he has made.

I can see she listed it on FB marketplace a few hours ago. She has messaged the buyer but I accept we are probably not going to get it back tbh. Not feeling particularly happy right now but I’ve got to calm down and get ready for work tomorrow.

Given all of this, I would put it down to experience and a lesson learned. There's no need to make your friend feel worse than she probably already does, and I doubt she'll be accepting gifts from him again in a hurry.

WindyHedges · 01/12/2022 05:04

Your friend is a greedy arse. What a bit of venal behaviour: to sell something given to her in such circumstances.

Mintyt · 01/12/2022 05:15

I would say I'm disappointed that you sold it, and if you didn't want it you should have given it back or at least asked if it was wanted back but I suspect you father would have said no. I would also tell you dad give him food for thought.

Ivyonafence · 01/12/2022 05:38

Hopefully the buyer has the decency to return the item.

Your friend is incredibly tacky to sell something that is a gift. If she didn't want it she should have offered it back to your Dad 'I love it and have enjoyed it so much but we've got to make floorspace for DH's new bagpipe collection etc would you like it back or shall I donate it somewhere?'

It's sounds like your dad was a bit silly to give it away, your friend is a bit crass to accept and then sell on, but these things happen. Try not to stress about it I doubt anything can be done now.

ChocChipOwl · 01/12/2022 05:45

Who says it's worth 2 grand? It probably isn't.

And she's had it a year? And it sounds like it was foisted on her anyway.

This isn't the friend at fault here

Twiglets1 · 01/12/2022 05:49

In my opinion the only thing she did wrong was tell you.
A relative recently gifted my daughter some antique jewellery. My daughter would never wear it and didn’t ask for it. I advised her to see what price she could get for it. Though my daughter is hard up at the moment so a slightly different situation.

Ivyonafence · 01/12/2022 05:54

Twiglets1 · 01/12/2022 05:49

In my opinion the only thing she did wrong was tell you.
A relative recently gifted my daughter some antique jewellery. My daughter would never wear it and didn’t ask for it. I advised her to see what price she could get for it. Though my daughter is hard up at the moment so a slightly different situation.

If she doesn't want it she should give it back. If your relative had wanted to give your DD money then she would have.

Your relative likely wanted the antiques to stay in the family, if your DD accepted without being clear that wasn't going to be the case then I think that's not ok.

Twiglets1 · 01/12/2022 06:09

Ivyonafence · 01/12/2022 05:54

If she doesn't want it she should give it back. If your relative had wanted to give your DD money then she would have.

Your relative likely wanted the antiques to stay in the family, if your DD accepted without being clear that wasn't going to be the case then I think that's not ok.

Show quote history

Is it ok. This relative is in her 80s and won't be wearing her antique jewellery anymore. She could have left it to my daughter in her will but decided to give it early to show her affection. The affection was duly noted, appreciated and shared. Nevertheless, my daughter doesn't want the jewellery as she doesn't wear antique jewellery. The item now belongs to her to do with as she wishes, and she is hard up financially. The relative will never know the gift was sold and knowing all the characters concerned, I don't think she would be too bothered if she did know. In our family, the mantra is always once you gift someone something (normally money with us) you have no rights to say what the recepient should do with it.
You've probably received Christmas gifts in the past you didn't want and didn't ask for - are you then morally obliged to keep them forever?

MsBucket · 01/12/2022 06:25

@Twiglets1 I think sentimental gift, especially an antique jewelry, is a lot different than consumer holiday spending. But if your daughter is finding it difficult, she could always take a picture to commemorate the gift and then have it appraised before selling so she does not get ripped off.

Mummyoflittledragon · 01/12/2022 06:29

Kennykenkencat · 01/12/2022 02:25

Maybe years ago you might have got rid of an antique for a pittance but with the internet/eBay and antique shop listings you can get a good idea how much something is worth

I can’t understand when your father offered it to her she didn’t just say no thank you, I can’t take it, I have no where to put it. I don’t see how it would have caused offence .

Selling it is so much more offensive and selling it for £25 is just nasty. When your father talked to her about his art and antiques does she think he is really stupid and had nothing of value.

Show quote history

When your dad talked to her about art and antiques does she think he is really stupid and has nothing of value.

I hadn’t thought about it like this. Her behaviour is so incredibly patronising. From ‘graciously’ accepting the incredibly generous gift, which she didn’t want in the first place, to selling it without giving you an option to take it back, I wouldn’t be able to see her in the same light again.

I am so upset on your behalf. It isn’t even just about the money. It’s her entire throw away attitude toward your dad. I also think showing her this thread would be enlightening for her.

Suzi888 · 01/12/2022 06:30

I don’t know why she told you.
I don’t know why your upset, it wasn’t yours to start with.
Your father made a bad life choice there didn’t he. Once you give something away, it’s no longer yours.

I’ve said in passing ‘oh that’s nice’. Doesn’t mean I want it. Some people are quite pushy.
Just because her DP is wealthy doesn’t mean she is and even if she were wealthy in her own right, it’s up to her what she does with it. Bit shitty? Yeah perhaps. She could have offered it back, but as it was gifted obviously didn’t feel the need.

Suzi888 · 01/12/2022 06:33

Saw the £25 update. Oh dear….

Stunningscreamer · 01/12/2022 06:40

Mummyoflittledragon · 01/12/2022 06:29

When your dad talked to her about art and antiques does she think he is really stupid and has nothing of value.

I hadn’t thought about it like this. Her behaviour is so incredibly patronising. From ‘graciously’ accepting the incredibly generous gift, which she didn’t want in the first place, to selling it without giving you an option to take it back, I wouldn’t be able to see her in the same light again.

I am so upset on your behalf. It isn’t even just about the money. It’s her entire throw away attitude toward your dad. I also think showing her this thread would be enlightening for her.

Show quote history

All of this.

I don't get why so many people think what this woman did was okay. If she didn't want the item, she should have offered to OP. She didn't have to accept it in the first place. She must realise that older people can be vulnerable and can make poor decisions, especially as she knows the OP's parents are struggling financially.

I couldn't see her in the same light going forward.

Twiglets1 · 01/12/2022 06:43

MsBucket · 01/12/2022 06:25

@Twiglets1 I think sentimental gift, especially an antique jewelry, is a lot different than consumer holiday spending. But if your daughter is finding it difficult, she could always take a picture to commemorate the gift and then have it appraised before selling so she does not get ripped off.

I wouldn't say it was exactly a sentimental gift - it was given in more of a throwaway moment when my daughter said that's a nice bracelet (just being polite) and it was immediately handed to her - oh, you take it if you like it, darling. It wasn't wanted (and my daughter tried to protest immediately) because she doesn't wear expensive jewellery ever and it was also too small for her so would cost her money she doesn't have to get it made to fit her.
You are making assumptions but the fact remains that sometimes people gift other people things they don't really want. Whether at Christmas or any other time. Does it really matter if that gift gathers dust in a cupboard somewhere or if it gets sold? In my mind it doesn't really matter but the OPs friend was insensitive to tell her that she had sold the item the Dad gifted her.