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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have cancelled MIL's Christmas visit

179 replies

Worstdilhesaid · 30/11/2022 22:33

Well actually I didn't, I noticed that due to rail strikes etc she wouldn't actually be able to get a train home after Christmas. She lives on the other side of the country so would have to take the train. She could get a train to us on Christmas Eve but there are no return trains. I pointed this out to DH, he didn't seem bothered and said that was fine (!).

Long story short, DH isn't close to her and has been LC for years. Recently though he's had a sudden enthusiasm to introduce her to our DC so she came for a weekend a couple of weeks ago. He made no effort to host her so I was left sitting on the sofa with her awkwardly. She's a socially awkward and strange person, DH doesn't enjoy spending time with her and I get anxious having to host her on my own.

I was getting my head around hosting her for 3-5 days over Christmas, but I will definitely not get my head around having her here for an indefinite period. DH wouldn't do anything to inform her about the trains, didn't want to upset her, so I had to message her.

As much as I wasn't looking forward to hosting her over Christmas, I also didn't want to leave to find out that she couldn't visit only days before Christmas. At least now she has time to make alternative plans. No FIL in the picture, but we haven't actually spent Christmas with her for about 7-8 years I think, so she has friends and family that she usually spends time with.

So I told MIL that trains were an issue due to strikes etc and it would be better if we saw her after Christmas, she sent a message back to say that she agreed but now DH is fuming and refusing to speak to me. He says I'm controlling and won't allow his family to visit...

OP posts:
Soontobe60 · 30/11/2022 22:36

You should have left him to deal with her. Id have been telling my DH that if his mother were unable to get a return train, he would be taking her home after Christmas, maybe with the DC, and spending a night at her house before coming back.

DelilahsHaven · 30/11/2022 22:36

Did you post about this visit recently?

I think you should have had the conversation with your husband rather than put her off coming without consulting him.

Original poster
Worstdilhesaid · 30/11/2022 22:37

Also to add, MIL doesn't look at trains online and doesn't book anything online. She would physically walk into a station to buy her ticket.

We can't stay at hers because she lives in a small 1 bed flat, plus we have two young dc so it's easier for her to visit us.

OP posts:
Original poster
Worstdilhesaid · 30/11/2022 22:42

@Soontobe60 I suggested him driving her home (5 hours on the motorway one way) and he wasn't keen to say the least. There's no room to stay at her flat, plus one of the DC is s breastfed baby. We wouldn't all fit in our family car so we would have to drive two separate cars if we all went to her hometown after Christmas.

I would happily have left DH to deal with it but he probably wouldn't have done anything until very last minute. At least now she can make alternative plans.

OP posts:
PiggyInTheLidl · 30/11/2022 22:43

It was really presumptuous if you to tell her she couldn’t come.

Yes, OK to tell her there are strikes. But then let her come to her own conclusion or let DH deal with it.

Also DH is unreasonable to duck out of hosting her during her visit.

Could he have driven her home after Christmas?

Clymene · 30/11/2022 22:46

I thought there were no strikes planned between Xmas and new year?

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/11/2022 22:47

After his last shoddy performance I wouldn’t have been happy about the visit anyway. It sounds like you barely know her, he does and can’t be arsed to make any effort with her. Sounds like a bit of a farce. She’ll presumably do what she’s done for the last 7 years.

He can fume all he likes but he’s being a dick. He can either get involved or leave all the shit work to you. He’s chosen the latter so now he can suck it up. Oh well.

peanutbutterontoast7 · 30/11/2022 22:51

You are not unreasonable for how you feel.
You are completely unreasonable for cancelling before speaking to your husband.
That is controlling.

Atonebe · 30/11/2022 22:56

When was she planning on going home? There's no rail strikes after Christmas until January 3rd,4th, 6th and 7th?

Original poster
Worstdilhesaid · 30/11/2022 22:58

@peanutbutterontoast7 I did speak to him. I showed him the train planner on national rail. I asked whether he would drive her home after Christmas. He wasn't happy, he didn't want to message her about the trains and said I should do it if I wanted to, which I did. Now I'm the bad guy.

OP posts:
GLADragss · 30/11/2022 23:00

Atonebe · 30/11/2022 22:56

When was she planning on going home? There's no rail strikes after Christmas until January 3rd,4th, 6th and 7th?

But train services before that period are likely to be limited regardless as they tend to run reduced services

Floralnomad · 30/11/2022 23:03

I think you’ve been a bit quick off the mark as there will be trains at the end of December and if there isn’t then you just tell him on the 28/29th that she has to be driven back . It really does come across that you don’t want her over Christmas .

Shinyandnew1 · 30/11/2022 23:05

He made no effort to host her so I was left sitting on the sofa with her awkwardly

If he couldn’t be bothered to speak to her, I certainly wouldn’t be making more of an effort than him!

GLADragss · 30/11/2022 23:08

I don’t understand why partners are forced to have extended family that they don’t get along with stay with them. This woman hasn’t been part of your family for years, and when she did come over it was awkward, your husband didn’t even entertain her and left it to you.

Fair enough if she comes over and everyone enjoys it and has wonderful memories…but that’s not the case. So how can he say you’re being controlling by not wanting a practical stranger staying for an extended visit? I would think if he wants to rekindle his relationship with her, he needs to start with small steps instead of forcing her to stay with you

Allsnotwell · 30/11/2022 23:10

amp.theguardian.com/business/2022/nov/30/eurostar-security-staff-to-strike-in-run-up-to-christmas

New strikes announced - some between Christmas and new year - easy to find

Some need to research before attempting to call out others on stated facts

DixonD · 30/11/2022 23:10

DelilahsHaven · 30/11/2022 22:36

Did you post about this visit recently?

I think you should have had the conversation with your husband rather than put her off coming without consulting him.

This. I think YABU.

StopMakingAppointments · 30/11/2022 23:11

He thought you were going to message about trains, not tell her not to come.

It's very different to say: "MIL please be aware before you book that there are strikes over the Christmas period which will affect when you can travel" to "there are strikes so don't come". I would be furious if I were in your DH's position and it seems like you're deliberately missing the point in saying you told him you would message about the trains.

stuntbubbles · 30/11/2022 23:13

Worstdilhesaid · 30/11/2022 22:58

@peanutbutterontoast7 I did speak to him. I showed him the train planner on national rail. I asked whether he would drive her home after Christmas. He wasn't happy, he didn't want to message her about the trains and said I should do it if I wanted to, which I did. Now I'm the bad guy.

Aha! He wanted you to do it so he can avoid it the visit or avoid driving her home, but also not take responsibility. If he’s that bothered about you controlling her visit he’ll call her and reinstate the invitation, won’t he?

DorritLittle · 30/11/2022 23:13

This woman hasn’t been part of your family for years

She's DH's mother, she is part of their family whether he sees her much or not. DH should have cancelled. Personally I would have gone on about it for a while (it's not yet December!) but stayed out of it.

vincettenoir · 30/11/2022 23:16

I don’t think what you did was great. But if DH was refusing to take responsibility you were backed in a corner.

junebirthdaygirl · 30/11/2022 23:21

I can't understand how he couldn't drive her home if trains happen to be not running. I know it's 5 hours but it's a once off. Maybe she is happier to be with her own friends who at least, l presume talk to her not like her own ds. If he is not happy with the arrangements let him come up with an alternative like committing to drive her home. Stay over in a hotel and drive back.

bellabasset · 30/11/2022 23:28

The last time I travelled first class from Cornwall to South London with travel assist at Christmas my train was cancelled. No travel assist or booked seat. There's now only 1 first class coach and the fares are higher. So no I'm not risking it as the South Wesr trains to Waterloo are disrupted.

NoSquirrels · 30/11/2022 23:33

We wouldn't all fit in our family car so we would have to drive two separate cars if we all went to her hometown after Christmas.

Why would you all need to go? Your DH could drive her home and if he couldn’t face the return journey he could stay overnight at his mother’s or even get a hotel room.

This is his issue. Refuse to be the bad guy! You’re not.

N4ish · 30/11/2022 23:36

Your DH obviously has a very poor relationship with his mother. You should step right back and refuse to get involved at all in future.

Puppers · 30/11/2022 23:45

You're not controlling whatsoever. He unilaterally decided that you'd be hosting his guest indefinitely (whilst also looking after a 10month old baby - I wonder how much he does with his child 🤔). You don't want to do that, so you gave him the opportunity to deal with it. He refused to do so, in the hope that his inaction would force you to do the hosting, so you handled it yourself. Good on you!

It would potentially have been controlling to cancel the visit had he planned to do all of the hosting and preparation himself, but that wasn't the case. However even then, you can't just make solo decisions about guests staying indefinitely without the agreement of your spouse so I still don't think you'd have been unreasonable to cancel given that he wasn't willing to discuss the situation or deal with it himself.

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