To have cancelled MIL's Christmas visit

[Worstdilhesaid]

Well actually I didn't, I noticed that due to rail strikes etc she wouldn't actually be able to get a train home after Christmas. She lives on the other side of the country so would have to take the train. She could get a train to us on Christmas Eve but there are no return trains. I pointed this out to DH, he didn't seem bothered and said that was fine (!).

Long story short, DH isn't close to her and has been LC for years. Recently though he's had a sudden enthusiasm to introduce her to our DC so she came for a weekend a couple of weeks ago. He made no effort to host her so I was left sitting on the sofa with her awkwardly. She's a socially awkward and strange person, DH doesn't enjoy spending time with her and I get anxious having to host her on my own.

I was getting my head around hosting her for 3-5 days over Christmas, but I will definitely not get my head around having her here for an indefinite period. DH wouldn't do anything to inform her about the trains, didn't want to upset her, so I had to message her.

As much as I wasn't looking forward to hosting her over Christmas, I also didn't want to leave to find out that she couldn't visit only days before Christmas. At least now she has time to make alternative plans. No FIL in the picture, but we haven't actually spent Christmas with her for about 7-8 years I think, so she has friends and family that she usually spends time with.

So I told MIL that trains were an issue due to strikes etc and it would be better if we saw her after Christmas, she sent a message back to say that she agreed but now DH is fuming and refusing to speak to me. He says I'm controlling and won't allow his family to visit...

Hope when she visits your DH is taking on the entirety of the responsibility for hosting her OP: clean towels and bedding, meal planning, entertaining, the whole shebang.

We can't have him accusing you of being controlling, now can we?

COMPLETELY Unreasonable to cancel her, I’m sorry but that is really controlling and horrible behaviour, I’m not surprised he is so upset. We lost my MIL this year and are dreading Xmas without her so you should count your blessings that she’s around and make a bit more effort!

@Mummyof3dc I'm very sorry for your loss.

I'm assuming that your MIL was a much-loved and close member of your family? We have seen MIL once in the past 3 years, prior to that we saw her maybe once a year. Yes we can develop that relationship but I think it should happen gently over time and not just over Christmas. My DC don't know her and probably don't feel very comfortable being with her because she's a stranger to them. If DH isn't facilitating the relationship then why is it my job? I'm happy for her to visit but Christmas is too much too soon and too intense for me, probably for the DC too.

Sorry run that by me again.

The last time you saw your MIL was 3 years ago?

@Feef83

It's in the OP.

"Long story short, DH isn't close to her and has been LC for years"

@Feef83 pretty much yes. We saw her in January 2020 and then October this year.

It's not just us, SIL sees her maybe once a year for lunch. None of her actual children have a close relationship with her.

She has now said that she'd like to visit us in January, which is fine.

It's all so very strange.

Seems like this woman has done nothing to any of you to be treated so coldly other than be awkward and strange. Many people are awkward and strange but that doesn't make them a bad person. People are shy, have social anxiety, on the spectrum, have depression, hearing impaired, and many other things.

It sounds like your DH is rather awkward in that he didn't host his own mother or seem to know how to.

Is the LC because of you?

@emptythelitterbox so if a grown man wants to be LC with his mother it's the wife's fault? Not the fault of the mother who has mistreated him in the past and who generally makes very little effort with her adult DC?

Dh knows and readily admits she's awkward and strange, so he should make an actual effort to host her if he decides to invite her to our home.

OP, your husband is very manipulative to call YOU controlling for not wanting to host his mother because he can't be arsed to do HIS part of entertaining her.

Well done for pushing back and if I were you I would tell him that he had better be very careful with the words he throws about if he wants to be happily married.🤨

His mother, his responsibility.

He doesn't get to decide to recalibrate the relationship and add it to YOUR responsibilities.

Some men just love to pass the buck, he sounds like one of them.

The earlier in a relationship that you establish that will NOT be happening, the happier the marriage IMO😁.

Leave all arrangements for January AND hosting to him.

Tell him if he ignores his mother next time she visits, it WILL be the last time.

OP are you the poster who mentioned MIL doesn’t speak English and your DH has no interest in teaching his children their cultural language, despite you teaching your children their cultural language from your side?

Either way I’m sad that your children are being denied a relationship with their GM, because both of you cannot see the woods for the trees.

I feel sorry for your children and their GM tbh. I didn’t have a relationship with my GP’s.

One set had died before my birth. My mother refused my Paternal GP’s contact because my father was a bas*ard! to her. I love my mother but I’ll never forgive her for denying my right to know my GP’s

Could she not get a coach?

@MillicentMold explain to me how exactly I'm denying my children a relationship with MIL? She visited us in October and she's now visiting us in January. In the meantime she could facetime with DH and the DC but she never does. I still can't find any train tickets for the days she would need to travel. It needs to be those specific days because otherwise DH will be at work and I will not host her on my own whilst he's not at home.

If DH is desperate to get her here he will look into coaches or even driving to pick her up. He's doing neither so he's probably not too bothered now.

Neither you or your DP come across as doing all you can to forge a positive relationship between your dc and their GM.

It makes no difference to me, whatsoever, whether your dc have a relationship with their GM. I couldn’t care less tbh. You and their DF have parental responsibility.

Your dc will be the ones to judge their upbringing.

Your posts seem to be all about what your MIL does wrong. Now she hasn’t face timed her GC. Have you or DH face timed her for your dc to speak to her?

MIL wanted to visit her GC over Christmas. You told her the trains were cancelled so she wouldn’t be able to return home.
Your DH didn’t want to spend the time to take her home
because he doesn’t want to travel that far
or was it because you couldn’t fit everyone in the car? 🧐
Or is it because he’s working?

Nobody is saying you have to relish hosting MIL but stop making excuses and at least have the guts to let her know where she stands. From your posts it appears MIL is the only one making any effort here. Allow her the opportunity to walk away from people who couldn’t give a crap about her

Why is it in the OP to do all she can to forge a relationship between her children and her husband’s mother? She’s not the go-between; MIL isn’t her family.

Besides which, MIL appears quite happy to visit in January instead and doesn’t even celebrate Christmas! She’s not missing out on anything.

OP clearly doesn’t want to host MIL. Her DH couldn’t care less whether his mother visits or not. I feel sorry for the lady who is making efforts to see her GC only to be treated shoddily by her DS and her DIL.

I wonder if DH will be any more up for his mother visiting in January? No doubt he’ll drop everything to cook for her, chat with her and entertain her. But I doubt it. And OP, obviously, isn’t going to suddenly want to host her MIL - who “isn’t her family”.

Maybe MIL will go on holiday with her friends instead. I hope she does for her sake.

All this. It’s more wife work he’s trying to make OP’s problem and responsibility

If he wants her to come he can offer to drive her back, even if part way. You would need to be prepared for him to stop overnight though. There are some days with trains after Christmas so it is up to him to be flexible.

@MillicentMold you really know nothing about MIL or our family. Making efforts? No Christmas/Birthday present or cards, very sporadic contact with her own son, very rarely asking about the children. When I say rarely I mean 2-3 times a year. Dh used to send her photos but she never responded so he stopped. When baby was born the only question she asked was boy or girl, didn't ask about his name or how we were both doing.

Yet, when she did visit us she was all over the dc and constantly took pictures of them. Don't ask me why she behaves the way she does because I don't know. Grandchildren are for the whole year, not just for Christmas.

Re can we fit in the car, no we can't. You can't physically fit an adult in the back in between the DC's car seats, I doubt you could even fit a child there comfortably. Dh does have to go back to work on a specific day so overstaying the original planned dates is not an option.

But no matter how I felt about the prospect of MIL coming to us for Christmas, new proposed strike days just make it impossible. Yes if DH was desperate to have her here he could sacrifice a day spent with DC to do a 10-12 hour (with very heavy traffic) round-trip on Christmas Eve to bring her here but obviously that's absurd.

MIL has made other plans and she is visiting next month.

As a grandmother, I don’t think the OP has been unreasonable at all. As far as trains are concerned, my DC will be visiting before Christmas because there are no trains for us between home and London until Jan 2nd, and now there are strikes as well on the following days, so that put an end to our Christmas plans. I don’t consider it is remotely unreasonable of my children, though, (with whom I have a good relationship) not to be spending Christmas with us. If the OP’s MIL is not close in terms of relationship and geography, then I don’t think she has been at all unreasonable to point out lack of transport and re-arrange the visit. There’s a huge difference between a visit of three days or so, and well over a week or more.

You had me frantic for a while there OP. Most of my family will be travelling home by train for Christmas. They have all checked the dates that travel may be disrupted. All trains will be travelling from Dec 17th to Jan 3rd so no rail strikes over Christmas. There is likely to be heavy disruption in January

Well they’ve announced rail strikes over Christmas - better double check your plans.

It says on the National Rail website that there are strikes planned for December 23rd and 24th:

Members of Unite the Union are taking strike action on East Midlands Railway services on Friday 23 and Saturday 24 December.

Friday 23 and Saturday 24 December:
More information on the future UNITE strike dates of 23 and 24 December and the RMT strike action in December and January will appear here once known.
More information:
Further information can be found on the East Midlands Railway website
Check before you travel:
Journeys are not yet showing correctly for strike dates on Friday 23 and Saturday 24 December, please check back nearer to the time.

From 6pm Christmas Eve to 6am on 27th. So essentially Christmas Day and Boxing Day. That won’t affect us.

New dates are for West Midlands only. That doesn’t affect us. As long as my family can get here before Christmas Day and arrive home by New Year’s Day for work it makes no difference what day/s the strikes are.
If they planned to go home on 28th and there’s a rail strike that day they’ll wait until the 29th or book a coach instead.

There are no rail strikes planned for their Christmas journey routes.
If there is a sudden strike on a certain day it makes no difference as long as they have arrived here. They are welcome to stay as long as they need to. Myself and DH will drive them if alternative transport cannot be booked, if needed.

It’s the travel to get here I was concerned about. Once they’re here the return journey isn’t a problem.