To have cancelled MIL's Christmas visit

[Worstdilhesaid]

Well actually I didn't, I noticed that due to rail strikes etc she wouldn't actually be able to get a train home after Christmas. She lives on the other side of the country so would have to take the train. She could get a train to us on Christmas Eve but there are no return trains. I pointed this out to DH, he didn't seem bothered and said that was fine (!).

Long story short, DH isn't close to her and has been LC for years. Recently though he's had a sudden enthusiasm to introduce her to our DC so she came for a weekend a couple of weeks ago. He made no effort to host her so I was left sitting on the sofa with her awkwardly. She's a socially awkward and strange person, DH doesn't enjoy spending time with her and I get anxious having to host her on my own.

I was getting my head around hosting her for 3-5 days over Christmas, but I will definitely not get my head around having her here for an indefinite period. DH wouldn't do anything to inform her about the trains, didn't want to upset her, so I had to message her.

As much as I wasn't looking forward to hosting her over Christmas, I also didn't want to leave to find out that she couldn't visit only days before Christmas. At least now she has time to make alternative plans. No FIL in the picture, but we haven't actually spent Christmas with her for about 7-8 years I think, so she has friends and family that she usually spends time with.

So I told MIL that trains were an issue due to strikes etc and it would be better if we saw her after Christmas, she sent a message back to say that she agreed but now DH is fuming and refusing to speak to me. He says I'm controlling and won't allow his family to visit...

So you are refusing to help organise the Christmas food because he is adding one more adult to the numbers . Honestly OP you would have been better just to have been upfront and said that you don’t want her to stay , let’s hope when your children grow up they don’t behave like you .

For me the trains are neither here nor there, I couldn't be bothered hosting someone if they and the person inviting them couldn't just communicate with each other like functional adults. I'm sure the OP has enough on her plate without having to guess what other people's plans are.

It’s solely your husbands problem to figure out- the transport, hosting, feeding and sitting with her. Pass it all back to him, it should never have been delegated to you in the first place.

Harsh to have cancelled when there are trains for many of the days around Christmas. Could you not have organised dates around them (or rather told your lazy DH to do so if he's so keen to have her down)? No way would I agree to have her, tho, if all he proposes is dumping her with you infront of the TV.

@Floralnomad not refusing to help but expecting DH to ge in charge this year if he's in charge of his mum's visit.

Oh I was super upfront about not wanting to host MIL this Christmas, very open and upfront. She's not a bad person and I'm happy that she wants to see the DC, but I don't think that spending several days cooped up together after years of LC is a good idea. I was happy for her to visit after Christmas for a couple of days and then build up the relationship over next year to a point where hopefully I don't feel instant dread and panic about the thought of hosting her.

“DH wouldn't do anything to inform her about the trains, didn't want to upset her”

So you’d discussed it and he said he didn’t want her told, so you did it anyway and now his mum isn’t coming for Christmas anymore?

I can see why he’s upset tbh and I think you were a bit controlling. But the whole situation could have been avoided if he’d stop being weird and just talk to his mum like a grown up.

Still, yabu to contact her directly and tell her not to come. Warning about train strikes is fine but withdrawing the invitation is incredibly awkward.

Tell DH to work out what he wants to do, and then talk to her directly. If his mum
ends up staying a few extra days it isn’t the end of the world just ignore them or even book you and baby into a hotel!

So why ask a chat forum whether you were unreasonable to cancel because of strikes

when your reasoning is clearly very different and in this post you are honest about It

Are you in UK OP? If so whereabouts are the trains cancelled? I have family coming home for Christmas, by train. They are all travelling Christmas Eve. Some are returning on 27th. Others on 28/29th. None of us have heard that their trains are to be cancelled?

Now I'm the bad guy.

Yep, so he looks good. He left you to get on with it. Typical!

I don't think you were unreasonable, he didn't want to tell her about the strikes nor did he want to drive her home. 🤷‍♀️

So you didn't want her, he did, he invited her so you made up stuff about the train so she wouldn't come and you wonder why he's upset?

Well done OP, problem solved . Enjoy your Christmas and tell your DH he's a knob.

So you have two young children and this waster wants you to host, organise and entertain his mother whom you don't really know over Christmas, while he doest sod all?

That's some prize you landed yourself with.🙄

You did absolutely the right thing!
If he left you to host her the last time and wasn’t prepared to do so over Christmas then I’d have done the same thing.

Better to tell her early, but there are no strikes just after Christmas, not until January, so maybe the tickets are sold out or not on sale currently. I’d let your DH sort it.

I was on the train yesterday and a coupe and a young baby sat behind. Wife asks her DH ‘has your mum contacted you about Christmas yet’ - he said yes but I wasn’t sure if to raise it as not sure if you’ll want to go. She said no of course I will, we just need to make sure we have stuff to do. He says we can stay 2 nights, she says they can stay longer as long as plans in place, not just sitting around. Ends with 3 days agreed after Christmas. Incidentally they are spending actual Christmas with her mum. I felt a bit sorry for him, though she did agree to do 3 days, she clearly wasn’t best pleased

I don't get the hard time - OP was being thoughtful here - no last minute issues for MIL (who she knows doesn't pre-book, so wouldn't necessarily think about the train strikes), she can make the choice of coming or making new arrangements herself. DH can always step in and offer to drive her home at this point if he'd like to keep the visit.

OP was spot on. Open, friendly, sensible communications.

From what I understand OP, your husband had the opportunity to step in and salvage this visit if he’d wanted to.

What you did sounds a bit harsh on first reading, but actually I think it was entirely fair for you to set your boundaries and then act accordingly. This is your Christmas too, and you should not be expected to sacrifice your own enjoyment and comfort for two other adults who are perfectly able to communicate and organise things for themselves.

I don’t know what your personal circumstances are, but for me the Christmas holidays are much needed and long awaited. Unlike summer, we don’t go away. It’s two weeks where we stay home, do fun things, relax, and recharge. I wouldn’t be prepared to give that up to carry the physical and emotional load for my DH while he made no effort at all.

Let your DH deal with it.

Sounds like a bit of a mess OP. So I'd just say to your DH that you have enough time to check and book tickets, and that he should discuss with his mum the best day for her to travel to you and the best day for her to travel home.

He can discuss it with her.

Then make a shopping list for the things that you will need for you, DH and the DCs (that way you get the things you actually want) and add enough for MIL. Then message both of them to say you are ordering on X date and if there's anything specific they want/need to let you know.

Then just carry on and he can let you know what their plans are. It is ok not to want someone to come. It is not ok to expect your spouse to entertain their inlaws with no input from you.

@FlowerArranger

did you only read every second line if the OP's posts or something?

Theyve be very LC for 7-8 years. She's only just met the GC and the GC are not in a position to want to see her.

she's hadn't spent the last7-8 Christmases with them and has spent it with other family & friends.

For some unknown reason , after being LC, DH now wants the children to have contact, but wants the OP to facilitate it. Last time she stayed he basically ignored her & left the OP to 'host' her.

MIL is hard work, the OP accepted her coming for a few days after Christmas, not for a week.

After DH's behaviour last time I would have said no to the Christmas visit!

There are other options such as national express or as the strikes aren't everyday she could just avoid the strike days, can't see any striking just after Christmas!

YANBU, OP. All those people saying "there are other options" - right, so who's sorting that then? Would that be the OP whose mother it isn't? Or the husband who claims to want HIS mum but wasn't prepared to do anything to ensure she could get back??

I don't blame OP not wanting to be lumbered like last time. She was willing to host, hence the invite went out in the first place. But that's not the same as spending the whole holiday period entertaining a virtual stranger for the sake of a DH who can't be arsed himself!

It DOES come across as if you don’t want her there (and I’m not saying that you’re wrong not to want her - God knows I never wanted my own MIL around either) but I think that in the circumstances you should have limited your conversation with her to “I’m not sure of you are aware of the rail strikes on x,y,z days, so you will need to plan your visit around those.”

I think it's fine for OP to want to reintroduce MIL slowly, and i agree that Christmas isn't the best time to go from 0 to 100% visit-wise.

But i think OP needs to play a clever long game here. With a non-apology along the lines of "i realise it seems controlling but i want the visit/journeys to go as smoothly as possible for MIL" and then "I'll organise the shop, you and MIL can organise the visit to suit both of your requirements, that will be fine"

Because, frankly, she won't be coming, will she? (unless she does really just go to the station on the day of travel and then get stuck at OPs)

MIL messaged me and asked if she could visit us at the end of January, which is totally fine. She doesn't actually celebrate Christmas, we have spent a couple of Christmases with her where we have organised everything, but if someone didn't organise things for her she might just go to work (hospitality) or plan something with other family and friends.

I don't know why train tickets weren't available for those days, perhaps the train services have been sold out, tickets have not been released yet or some services have been cancelled because of staffing. If I had made it up I'm sure DH would be perfectly capable of checking National Rail or Trainline himself to double check. Whatever the reason, I'm just not going to risk her possibly getting stuck here and having to look after her by myself once DH goes back to work after Christmas. I also genuinely don't want her to end up with no plans at all at short notice if she turns up at the station on the day or a few days before.

I had very exciting plans to visit a very close friend with DS and I had to cancel because when train tickets did come up for sale a few days before we were due to travel, they were very expensive and wouldn't have got us there in time for our planned activities.