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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have cancelled MIL's Christmas visit

179 replies

Worstdilhesaid · 30/11/2022 22:33

Well actually I didn't, I noticed that due to rail strikes etc she wouldn't actually be able to get a train home after Christmas. She lives on the other side of the country so would have to take the train. She could get a train to us on Christmas Eve but there are no return trains. I pointed this out to DH, he didn't seem bothered and said that was fine (!).

Long story short, DH isn't close to her and has been LC for years. Recently though he's had a sudden enthusiasm to introduce her to our DC so she came for a weekend a couple of weeks ago. He made no effort to host her so I was left sitting on the sofa with her awkwardly. She's a socially awkward and strange person, DH doesn't enjoy spending time with her and I get anxious having to host her on my own.

I was getting my head around hosting her for 3-5 days over Christmas, but I will definitely not get my head around having her here for an indefinite period. DH wouldn't do anything to inform her about the trains, didn't want to upset her, so I had to message her.

As much as I wasn't looking forward to hosting her over Christmas, I also didn't want to leave to find out that she couldn't visit only days before Christmas. At least now she has time to make alternative plans. No FIL in the picture, but we haven't actually spent Christmas with her for about 7-8 years I think, so she has friends and family that she usually spends time with.

So I told MIL that trains were an issue due to strikes etc and it would be better if we saw her after Christmas, she sent a message back to say that she agreed but now DH is fuming and refusing to speak to me. He says I'm controlling and won't allow his family to visit...

OP posts:
MrsMoastyToasty · 01/12/2022 07:48

How about National Express or Megabus?

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 01/12/2022 07:48

Worstdilhesaid · 30/11/2022 22:58

@peanutbutterontoast7 I did speak to him. I showed him the train planner on national rail. I asked whether he would drive her home after Christmas. He wasn't happy, he didn't want to message her about the trains and said I should do it if I wanted to, which I did. Now I'm the bad guy.

Is your husband always so irrational and ridiculous?

Hoppinggreen · 01/12/2022 07:54

Highlyflavouredgravy · 01/12/2022 07:44

I really hope your children are this 'loving' towards you.

She’s not this woman’s child, her DH is - who refuses to make any effort with her whatsoever.
Its not OPs responsibility to step into his shoes if he’s being useless

Remaker · 01/12/2022 07:54

You didn’t want her to come so you found a reason why she couldn’t. If it was someone you wanted to see all of these reasons would have been irrelevant as you would have found a way to make it happen.

Now you have to sort your DH out. If he wants his mother to visit he arranges it and entertains her. But it is horribly awkward when DIL make it obvious how much they dislike their MIL. It would be kind to make an effort.

Whycanineverever · 01/12/2022 08:04

There may not be strikes but there are substantial engineering works closing lines and stations between Xmas and new year.

Goldbar · 01/12/2022 08:10

I wouldn't have cancelled but neither would I have "hosted". I also have a new breastfed baby and I have made it clear that people are welcome to stay in our house but they need to make up their own beds and sort their own meals (and mine while they are doing theirs!). Everyone has got the message now - they know where the kettle is, they know where the toaster and the biscuit tin are, they're welcome to help themselves to anything in the fridge and if we run out of anything, they'll be asked to pop around the corner to the shop. And if I'm feeding the baby, they'll be asked to make dinner for the 5yo. My advice would be to lower your standards in terms of hosting - don't feel obliged to feed or entertain people, it's quite liberating.

Untitledsquatboulder · 01/12/2022 08:24

You and your husband sound delightful OP. Hopefully your inlaws will be as welcoming to you one day.

Naunet · 01/12/2022 08:35

Highlyflavouredgravy · 01/12/2022 07:44

I really hope your children are this 'loving' towards you.

It’s not OPs fault that her husband isn’t loving towards his own mother, why are you blaming OP?!

BirmaBrite · 01/12/2022 08:35

It might be worth directing your DH to the National express website and see if he could book a return ticket for his Mum ? If he is keen to have her over for Christmas then he could at least put a bit of effort into finding a solution to the train problem ?

Liorae · 01/12/2022 08:37

MrsMoastyToasty · 01/12/2022 07:48

How about National Express or Megabus?

I'm sure there is a "reason" that can't be a solution.

DorritLittle · 01/12/2022 08:41

Goldbar · 01/12/2022 08:10

I wouldn't have cancelled but neither would I have "hosted". I also have a new breastfed baby and I have made it clear that people are welcome to stay in our house but they need to make up their own beds and sort their own meals (and mine while they are doing theirs!). Everyone has got the message now - they know where the kettle is, they know where the toaster and the biscuit tin are, they're welcome to help themselves to anything in the fridge and if we run out of anything, they'll be asked to pop around the corner to the shop. And if I'm feeding the baby, they'll be asked to make dinner for the 5yo. My advice would be to lower your standards in terms of hosting - don't feel obliged to feed or entertain people, it's quite liberating.

Most normal people don't expect to be entertained by someone with a newborn and help out anyway so there probably wasn't a need for your list of instructions.

Dacquoise · 01/12/2022 08:48

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/11/2022 22:47

After his last shoddy performance I wouldn’t have been happy about the visit anyway. It sounds like you barely know her, he does and can’t be arsed to make any effort with her. Sounds like a bit of a farce. She’ll presumably do what she’s done for the last 7 years.

He can fume all he likes but he’s being a dick. He can either get involved or leave all the shit work to you. He’s chosen the latter so now he can suck it up. Oh well.

Totally agree with this. Why is it the woman's responsibility to host everyone at Christmas, especially unlikeable people? Why do other women support this idea? We will never achieve equality whilst this guilt-fest continues. I can remember many an awkward meeting with my MIL (awful woman) whom my exH despised where he would sit in silence or wander off and expect me to entertain her. Never again.

Blowthemandown · 01/12/2022 08:50

@Worstdilhesaid you could have left it but clearly he’d have done nothing. When she comes in future, leave them to it - not for you to entertain her.

Tempyname · 01/12/2022 08:50

You are not unreasonable for how you feel. You are unreasonable for cancelling when she may have limited other options and before speaking to DH. Lots of us have relatives who we ‘tolerate’ at this time of year.

TokenGinger · 01/12/2022 08:51

The strikes are 3rd, 4th, 6th and 7th January. She could have travelled on Christmas Eve to you and returned home on either the 28th, 29th, 30th, 31st December, surely?

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 01/12/2022 08:52

I think it's on your husband. I'm sure youd be more inclined to host if your husband had offered to drive her back or said he would entertain her.

What did he actually do when you were left sitting on the sofa with her? Where was he? Why didn't you say 'well I'll leave you to catch up then, I'm off out'?

Shinyandnew1 · 01/12/2022 08:53

What did he actually do when you were left sitting on the sofa with her? Where was he? Why didn't you say 'well I'll leave you to catch up then, I'm off out'?

This

Thighlengthboots · 01/12/2022 08:54

I find it utterly bizarre that people insist on someone coming to stay then spend no time with them at all and leave it to others to entertain them. If thats going to happen again then you have EVERY right to say no. Its his mother, if he is so insistent she come over then he should be the main one to entertain her. Anything else is just weird AF

Letthesunshineonin · 01/12/2022 08:55

I don’t blame you. He’s not willing to make the effort while she’s there so your stuck with feeling uncomfortable in your own home.
Tell him if he’s that bothered he can go and spend Xmas with her at her house.

stuntbubbles · 01/12/2022 08:57

Everyone’s focusing on MIL, who doesn’t seem to mind – “she sent a message back saying she agreed”. So there, that’s sorted, OP is happy and MIL is happy. It’s DH who’s randomly unhappy that his mother, with whom he was LC, has agreed with his wife, who he told to do this, isn’t coming – even though he wouldn’t host her well when she does.

What’s DH like normally?

healthadvice123 · 01/12/2022 09:01

There are not train strikes though in the time frame she is visiting so she could of got the train

user1471457751 · 01/12/2022 09:01

There may not be strikes but there are blockades where network rail shut large parts of the network to do maintenance and renewals work. All the OP did was use the wrong terminology, the impact is still the same in that the MIL wouldn't be able to travel.

healthadvice123 · 01/12/2022 09:02

@user1471457751 so the dh could of booked the tickets for his mums on the services that are open.
Trains are running

watcherintherye · 01/12/2022 09:04

I would have left it up to him to figure out, and when she arrived done absolutely nothing to host her. I would have just gone out and left them to it.

Thats not really feasible over the Christmas period, though, is it? Especially where children are involved. She can’t just disappear off on Christmas Eve/Christmas Day/Boxing Day, and in any case there wouldn’t be anywhere to go!

stuntbubbles · 01/12/2022 09:05

healthadvice123 · 01/12/2022 09:02

@user1471457751 so the dh could of booked the tickets for his mums on the services that are open.
Trains are running

He still could. There’s nothing stopping him picking up the phone to his mum, reinstating the visit, booking the tickets, and being willing to drive as a backup. He doesn’t want to and is lashing out at the OP.

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