To have cancelled MIL's Christmas visit

[Worstdilhesaid]

Well actually I didn't, I noticed that due to rail strikes etc she wouldn't actually be able to get a train home after Christmas. She lives on the other side of the country so would have to take the train. She could get a train to us on Christmas Eve but there are no return trains. I pointed this out to DH, he didn't seem bothered and said that was fine (!).

Long story short, DH isn't close to her and has been LC for years. Recently though he's had a sudden enthusiasm to introduce her to our DC so she came for a weekend a couple of weeks ago. He made no effort to host her so I was left sitting on the sofa with her awkwardly. She's a socially awkward and strange person, DH doesn't enjoy spending time with her and I get anxious having to host her on my own.

I was getting my head around hosting her for 3-5 days over Christmas, but I will definitely not get my head around having her here for an indefinite period. DH wouldn't do anything to inform her about the trains, didn't want to upset her, so I had to message her.

As much as I wasn't looking forward to hosting her over Christmas, I also didn't want to leave to find out that she couldn't visit only days before Christmas. At least now she has time to make alternative plans. No FIL in the picture, but we haven't actually spent Christmas with her for about 7-8 years I think, so she has friends and family that she usually spends time with.

So I told MIL that trains were an issue due to strikes etc and it would be better if we saw her after Christmas, she sent a message back to say that she agreed but now DH is fuming and refusing to speak to me. He says I'm controlling and won't allow his family to visit...

Well said! Its ridiculous to expect someone to run themselves ragged over Christmas out of of some weird outdated obligation to be the perfect hostess. If people come to stay, its perfectly reasonable and polite that they help out and not be expected to be waited on hand and foot. What kind of rude idiot thinks that is acceptable?

You’ve just inspired me to check the strike dates because we also have family coming by train. There doesn’t seem to be anything scheduled between 24 December and 3 January. Couldn’t your MIL come as planned and leave on the 27th or 28th?

Oh sorry, others got there while I was looking it up!

You didn’t want her to come if you’re honest and DH is picking up in that, that’s why he’s annoyed.

Your weren’t wrong to let her know, but your intentions weren’t nice.

There's a difference between being controlling and taking control of a situation when others refuse to act. You haven't said she can't visit, just that it might be best to reschedule.

I arrange my famiky he arranges his. Prevents arguments.

He cant be that annoyed if last time she visited he went out and left her to entertain his mother lol. You cant cry about it being unfair if last time she came you spent literally no time with her at all- whats the point of asking her in the first place if you dont want to be around her?

Nothing in your link mentions train strikes between Christmas and new year. Want to try and be condescending again?

Who said anything about a list of instructions? I've just asked people to do stuff as we've gone along. "I'm off to bed now before the baby wakes. You'll find the clean sheets for your bed in the cupboard". It's not difficult once you stop feeling guilty for not running around after people.

I just feel really bad for the MIL .

Your post actually supports my theory that OP wasn’t being a ‘good Samaritan’ in this, and she actually had an agenda because she ‘didn’t want to entertain his mother… lol!?!’.

She was dishonest about her intentions and that’s why DH is annoyed!

No, she's made it very clear that her MiL isn't welcome. You can argue that is her right , and certainly if you are going to cancel better sooner than later, but let's not pretend that "you can't come" was not the message.

Just tell him to sort it out,buy her tickets find out the times,Look at the strike days etc.Leave it to him but stress you will be around but it is his job to sit and chat,take her out .His mother up to him to sort it.He is taking a back seat once again do not let this happen.How old is she ?Stay strong.

Why on earth SHOULD she be responsible for his mother? why is it her responsibility? I dont give a toss about her being a good samaritan, its the husband who is being unreasonable here and he has no right to be angry if HE is going to go out and leave it all to her.

My DH used to leave entertaining his mother to me as well. Then I got wise to it and as soon as I saw him starting to make his disappearing move I got in there first. Suddenly so much to do! When he actually had to sit and talk to his own mum, he got a lot more reasonable about how often she came round. Funny that.

If you get on with your MIL, that's fine, of course. But not everyone gets on with everyone.

Hear my words… she lied about her intentions! That’s the issue. You’re arguing with yourself on everything else, couldn’t give a toss about whether she was entitled to say the mother couldn’t come. She pretended this wasn’t about that, even in her OP. when you lie you lose the high ground! Fact.

No good deed goes unpunished. You tried to let her know in a timely manner what the problems were, rather than leaving things until the last minute (and no doubt ending up having to pick up the slack for them as well).

Lesson learned. Next time leave DH to it. If you take responsibility for nothing, then you can be blamed for nothing.

To call you 'controlling' for such a reason is a bigger concern, IMO. It seems very extreme. You're not in control of the timing of when the rail unions call strike action. Does he generally accuse you of abusive behaviour when something isn't going as he wants?

You talk of not looking forward to hosting her. If this is your DH's attitude, I'd suggest next time he can take responsibility for hosting. Shopping, cooking and all. If he's accusing you of being controlling, relinquish it - all of it. See how he gets on.

I can't understand how he couldn't drive her home if trains happen to be not running. I know it's 5 hours but it's a once off.

This. It’s only 5hrs which is very doable but would really be 6hrs when you take breaks into account. Even though it’s a one bed flat he could surely sleep on the lounge (or take a blow up) before driving back the next day. Plenty of people camp overnight between long stretches of driving. No need for all if you to go or the 2 car thing should she not be able to return via train.

Your husband is being ridiculous, it's not controlling, and it would have been very unfair and rude of him to leave it to the last minute to let his mother know about the strikes. It's obvious you didn't want her there and jumped at the excuse to cancel... but then again he clearly didn't want her there much either if he barely interacted with her last time, and since you were the one making the effort, he can't really say anything.

That said, I think what you should have said to your MIL was: "Hi MIL, there are strikes on the day you planned to go home so you might have to stay a day or two longer. You're of course more than welcome to stay at ours a few more days but we'd also totally understand if you've got other commitments and would rather not risk getting stranded here."

Then, make it absolutely clear to DH that he will be interacting with his mother. If he disappears upstairs while she's around, text him or go and get him and tell him to get his arse downstairs.

And, as another pp has said, lower your hosting standards. After Christmas day, just treat her as another family member, tell her she's welcome to get her own drinks and snacks, and just do what you'd normally do if she wasn't there.

Does your OH struggle with communication in general or is there a massive backstory with him and his mother.

In any case you aren't controlling, it could have been a right shitshow if she'd only realised about the trains too late or if she'd got stuck at yours with no idea when she'd be going back. You had to do something and you aren't the bad guy for doing so.

I think you should have left DH to deal with this regardless. It's his mother. If she couldn't get a train back so be it. His fault not yours.
It's as if he isn't taking responsibility and leaving things to you. I would take a step back and refuse. He will be the one backed into a corner

But last time MIL visited, DH left OP to entertain her. So MIL being unable to get a train home = OP entertaining her socially awkward MIL while DH ignores the problem.

The problem isn’t you, it’s your husband’s indifference to the problems you have spotted and his unwillingness to think provide any solutions. He couldn’t be arsed, so you had to make a decision.

He says I'm controlling and won't allow his family to visit...

FFS.
Controlling is unilaterally deciding to impose your mother's visit on your wife without consultation.
Controlling is playing The Prodigal Son by forcing your wife to entertain your LC mother while you fuck off elsewhere.
Controlling is realising that your planned 3 - 5 visit from your mother was now indefinite due to train problems, but refusing to do anything about that except expect your wife to suck it up.

@stuntbubbles exactly thats my point! He's left it to his wife. She's his mother.