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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have cancelled MIL's Christmas visit

179 replies

Worstdilhesaid · 30/11/2022 22:33

Well actually I didn't, I noticed that due to rail strikes etc she wouldn't actually be able to get a train home after Christmas. She lives on the other side of the country so would have to take the train. She could get a train to us on Christmas Eve but there are no return trains. I pointed this out to DH, he didn't seem bothered and said that was fine (!).

Long story short, DH isn't close to her and has been LC for years. Recently though he's had a sudden enthusiasm to introduce her to our DC so she came for a weekend a couple of weeks ago. He made no effort to host her so I was left sitting on the sofa with her awkwardly. She's a socially awkward and strange person, DH doesn't enjoy spending time with her and I get anxious having to host her on my own.

I was getting my head around hosting her for 3-5 days over Christmas, but I will definitely not get my head around having her here for an indefinite period. DH wouldn't do anything to inform her about the trains, didn't want to upset her, so I had to message her.

As much as I wasn't looking forward to hosting her over Christmas, I also didn't want to leave to find out that she couldn't visit only days before Christmas. At least now she has time to make alternative plans. No FIL in the picture, but we haven't actually spent Christmas with her for about 7-8 years I think, so she has friends and family that she usually spends time with.

So I told MIL that trains were an issue due to strikes etc and it would be better if we saw her after Christmas, she sent a message back to say that she agreed but now DH is fuming and refusing to speak to me. He says I'm controlling and won't allow his family to visit...

OP posts:
PutinSmellsPassItOn · 01/12/2022 11:10

She can't be that strange.and.socially awkward if she's usually welcomed by other friends and family over Christmas.........tell your husband to.stop being a twat to.his mother. If he wants her there he needs to actually include her.

Aside from that the train strike won't go on forever, either extend her stay at yours or get your husband to have a look for cheap hotels nearby.

kateandme · 01/12/2022 11:18

The trouble is for those saying wait, would be if then she has left with nowhere to go so close to the day and less likely to find somewhere.

AndEverWhoKnew · 01/12/2022 11:26

Well, if she can come after Christmas and get home then obviously she wasn't going to be with you indefinitely.
I would be raging if my DH cancelled my DM's visit a month before Christmas.
You didn't have to entertain her when she visited last time. You should have followed your own routine and let your DH host her.
You need to work on your boundaries. If you didn't want her to come for Christmas, you should have said so from the beginning (not blamed the trains!). If you didn't want to be left hosting her the last time, then you shouldn't have done it.

Loadofpish · 01/12/2022 11:35

YANBU OP. Those saying you are probably pearl clutchers with textbook perfect families. You did the right thing. Your MIL doesn't sound bothered and has the chance to make alternative plans. Your husband is being unreasonable.

milveycrohn · 01/12/2022 12:00

If the trains were on strike, did you look at coaches?
We once travelled back from Newcastle to London by coach (as I missed the window for the cheap pre-book trains).
What an experience!

Original poster
Worstdilhesaid · 01/12/2022 12:00

This is the message I sent to MIL yesterday.

Hi MIL, I hope you're well. Looks like there might be rail strikes over Christmas so it might be better if we see you after Christmas when we know the trains are running normally. I hope that's ok.

Now looking at national rail website it looks like there are no trains for her ro actually get here. Those tickets might come up for sale later, in which case DH can sort it out for her. He point blank refused the idea of driving her home after Christmas anyway, so he's not going to be doing a 10 hour round trip on Christmas Eve to bring her here.

A coach would be tricky but not impossible, DH would have to drive quite far to pick her up and drop her off but if he's happy to do this it's up to him.

DH definitely has form for dumping MIL on me and expecting me to entertain her. I've made it clear that if he invites her he needs to actually look after her, he thinks she'll be perfectly happy if he just dumps her in front of the TV, for days on end.

The reason this whole thing came about is that he asked me if I had sorted the Christmas food order yet. I had made it clear that if he wanted to invite his mother then he'd be responsible for organising Christmas this year because he knows what she will/won't eat. He clearly thought I was going to organise everything.

OP posts:
Feef83 · 01/12/2022 12:03

Worstdilhesaid · 30/11/2022 22:58

@peanutbutterontoast7 I did speak to him. I showed him the train planner on national rail. I asked whether he would drive her home after Christmas. He wasn't happy, he didn't want to message her about the trains and said I should do it if I wanted to, which I did. Now I'm the bad guy.

He didn’t want to message

That is sufficient enough in my view to mean that I don’t message

You messaged because you didn’t want to host.

Feef83 · 01/12/2022 12:04

You have said your message

What was her response?

Feef83 · 01/12/2022 12:05

When was she actually due to travel?

Yhe strikes are on very limited day. The last on the 18th I believe

Feef83 · 01/12/2022 12:06

Surely you could have suggested she travel on any of the many unaffected days rather than just cancelling completely

To have cancelled MIL's Christmas visit
SillySausage81 · 01/12/2022 12:06

he thinks she'll be perfectly happy if he just dumps her in front of the TV, for days on end.

I mean, this could be perfectly true... there are lots of people who would be perfectly happy with that...

Feef83 · 01/12/2022 12:07

What on earth do you mean by “no return trains?”

Theres NO strikes between the 17th December and the 3rd of Jan!!

stuntbubbles · 01/12/2022 12:15

SillySausage81 · 01/12/2022 12:06

he thinks she'll be perfectly happy if he just dumps her in front of the TV, for days on end.

I mean, this could be perfectly true... there are lots of people who would be perfectly happy with that...

Ha. My MIL would dump herself in front of the TV for days on end…

But it leaves OP keeping her company as she’s got a breastfeeding baby and I’d guess does that on the sofa, and her DH buggers off and refuses to socialise, and he wants her to sort out the Christmas food even though it’s his guest, and he has no plan for getting the guest home so then OP has to sort that too.

So even if MIL is perfectly happy in front of the TV, and DH is perfectly happy ignoring her, that still leaves OP unhappy. Which is shit.

inappropriateraspberry · 01/12/2022 12:44

Feef83 · 01/12/2022 12:07

What on earth do you mean by “no return trains?”

Theres NO strikes between the 17th December and the 3rd of Jan!!

We don't know where they live - there could many reasons why lines are closed and trains not running, not just because of strikes.

SandrasAnnoyingFriend · 01/12/2022 12:55

Your message is totally different to your OP. The OP states there are no return trains and your message says there 'might be' strikes.
So either the whole situation is fictional or your husband has a very good point about you unilaterally deciding him mum can't come as you don't have any logistical grounds.

SandrasAnnoyingFriend · 01/12/2022 12:55

inappropriateraspberry · 01/12/2022 12:44

We don't know where they live - there could many reasons why lines are closed and trains not running, not just because of strikes.

Show quote history

Apart from the OP saying it was because of strikes

inappropriateraspberry · 01/12/2022 13:11

'Strikes etc.' So not just strikes, but other things as well.

Bellaboo01 · 01/12/2022 13:18

Worstdilhesaid · 01/12/2022 12:00

This is the message I sent to MIL yesterday.

Hi MIL, I hope you're well. Looks like there might be rail strikes over Christmas so it might be better if we see you after Christmas when we know the trains are running normally. I hope that's ok.

Now looking at national rail website it looks like there are no trains for her ro actually get here. Those tickets might come up for sale later, in which case DH can sort it out for her. He point blank refused the idea of driving her home after Christmas anyway, so he's not going to be doing a 10 hour round trip on Christmas Eve to bring her here.

A coach would be tricky but not impossible, DH would have to drive quite far to pick her up and drop her off but if he's happy to do this it's up to him.

DH definitely has form for dumping MIL on me and expecting me to entertain her. I've made it clear that if he invites her he needs to actually look after her, he thinks she'll be perfectly happy if he just dumps her in front of the TV, for days on end.

The reason this whole thing came about is that he asked me if I had sorted the Christmas food order yet. I had made it clear that if he wanted to invite his mother then he'd be responsible for organising Christmas this year because he knows what she will/won't eat. He clearly thought I was going to organise everything.

Sounds like you don't really want her with you at Christmas.

Why would it just be down to your Husband to sort out the food just because his Mum is coming? Just carry on as you would normally do and she can eat what you do.

Sounds really lovely that you have a MIL who wants to spend time with you/ Christmas with you so i would embrace that :) x

SandrasAnnoyingFriend · 01/12/2022 13:18

inappropriateraspberry · 01/12/2022 13:11

'Strikes etc.' So not just strikes, but other things as well.

But no 'etc' mentioned in the message to MIL?
Op needs to own the fact that she thought she'd found a great excuse for ditching her MIL but that other people (her DH included) have seen through it.

Feef83 · 01/12/2022 13:21

inappropriateraspberry · 01/12/2022 12:44

We don't know where they live - there could many reasons why lines are closed and trains not running, not just because of strikes.

Show quote history

the op says strikes

and no way would there be no option for travel between 17th - 3rd

come off it.

Feef83 · 01/12/2022 13:22

She could get a train to us on Christmas Eve but there are no return trains.

Bull. Shit.

JFDIYOLO · 01/12/2022 13:49

You had no real choice - something had to be done, he failed to step up, you did what he should have done, he gets to not be the one to break the news AND you get to take the fallout of his guilt over being rubbish. You have a full on role - taking care of baby. He needs to undertake his - taking care of his guest. Next time she comes, I'd be busying myself with baby, in kitchen, in bathroom, out shopping - so he HAS to do his bit.

CheckedPJ · 01/12/2022 13:53

A conversation needed to be had, but I don't think you go about telling someone her Christmas plans are cancelled by text.

SleepingStandingUp · 01/12/2022 13:58

Feef83 · 01/12/2022 12:06

Surely you could have suggested she travel on any of the many unaffected days rather than just cancelling completely

As an aside, thank you. We're meant to be travelling back from Wales on Jan 3rd. Looks like we can get there but not back!! Hopefully we can travel on the 2nd?

SleepingStandingUp · 01/12/2022 14:01

Def comes across you were just relived to get rid of her. At least own it OP.

MIGHT be so before anything is confirmed, let's cancel you. You could have said might be so what do you want to do? Make other provisional plans? Come and risk it? Etc.

Personally I think you should message and say great news Mary, looks like trains are cancelled X dates so you're fine for Z. Really hope you can still make it.

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