To have cancelled MIL's Christmas visit

[Worstdilhesaid]

Well actually I didn't, I noticed that due to rail strikes etc she wouldn't actually be able to get a train home after Christmas. She lives on the other side of the country so would have to take the train. She could get a train to us on Christmas Eve but there are no return trains. I pointed this out to DH, he didn't seem bothered and said that was fine (!).

Long story short, DH isn't close to her and has been LC for years. Recently though he's had a sudden enthusiasm to introduce her to our DC so she came for a weekend a couple of weeks ago. He made no effort to host her so I was left sitting on the sofa with her awkwardly. She's a socially awkward and strange person, DH doesn't enjoy spending time with her and I get anxious having to host her on my own.

I was getting my head around hosting her for 3-5 days over Christmas, but I will definitely not get my head around having her here for an indefinite period. DH wouldn't do anything to inform her about the trains, didn't want to upset her, so I had to message her.

As much as I wasn't looking forward to hosting her over Christmas, I also didn't want to leave to find out that she couldn't visit only days before Christmas. At least now she has time to make alternative plans. No FIL in the picture, but we haven't actually spent Christmas with her for about 7-8 years I think, so she has friends and family that she usually spends time with.

So I told MIL that trains were an issue due to strikes etc and it would be better if we saw her after Christmas, she sent a message back to say that she agreed but now DH is fuming and refusing to speak to me. He says I'm controlling and won't allow his family to visit...

have people missed that she doesnt pre book just rocks up to the station-op had to tell her there would be no trains back

You have a DH problem!

What else does he act like a toddler over?

Convenient for him that you acted like a grown up so he got to blame you for his own cock up!

As far as I can see there are no train strikes between 18th Dec and 2nd Jan. Although there os an overtime ban. Cleaner's are on strike though.

But why no trains back? There are no strikes after christmas until January.

But trains don’t run on all of those days regardless. For example Boxing Day. Other “festive” days will have limited service too which may mean some lines aren’t running or may only be a few a day.

And the MIL will be aware of that, and that it had nothing to do with trains. So is your DH.

But trains don’t run on all of those days regardless. For example Boxing Day. Other “festive” days will have limited service too which may mean some lines aren’t running or may only be a few a day.

Well, the ops not going to send her home on Boxing Day, is she? Trains will run on Weds, Thurs, Fri. Nine if those are festive days. Often there's less demand because workers arent in so there should be space. I've done London to Mancs fine on the twixt days.

The fact that he doesn't even spend time with her, but leaves that to you, he's not really in a position to complain.

You have a massive DH problem.

For refusing to entertain his own mother and leaving you to do it.

For refusing to let her know about the train situation and expecting you to do it.

For calling you controlling when you ldid let her know about the trains.

Is he a decent person in any respect? Because he sounds like an utterly sexist, lazy and gaslighting twat.

It was presumptuous to cancel her visit I don’t think you should have without confirming with DH

he shouldn’t have presumed you’d be happy to do all the work indefinitely.

when she does visit I wouldn’t be entertaining her if DH can’t bother his arse to do it. And I don’t understand why you all have to drop her off together. He can do it alone since he wants her there when there are no trains

dh your little tantrum has made me think. So you don’t want to pay your mum any attention when we host, as you demonstrated only a few weeks ago, and you don’t want to drive her home, but you’re mad at me, so what you do want is all that’s left - you want me to be miserable putting all the effort in for your mother for an indeterminate amount of time. There is no universe in which thats reasonable and she is never coming again unless you’ve convinced me you will host and listed the things you will do. Otherwise next time I shall have to say I spoke yo Dh and I’m really sorry but he doesn’t want to put himself out in any way for you to come. I know I think it’s awful too
I’ll be able to say that because it’s true, so go look in the mirror and redirect your grump at the person you see there. Not me. And grow up while you’re at it.

YANBU. Your husband wants his children to have a relationship with his mother, but he doesn't seem to want a real relationship with her! If he can't bother to speak to her when she visits and arrange a solution, he can't call you "controlling" because you don't want to be forced to entertain her for a long visit with no end in sight.

I'd be furious with him for painting me as the bad guy for trying to solve a problem of his own making. It's easy to say you should have left it up to him, but he'd probably have just let her come without any further discussion, and then left all the awkward entertaining to you, as usual. You're a loser either way!

I don't know why you're being cast as unreasonable here. If he wants a relationship with his mother, he's does have to put the effort in. He cant just expect a BFing mother to host a virtual stranger indefinitely while sloping off himself. And what a gaslighting twat he is with the train situation. You've been as proactive as you can and have given her time to plan something else for Xmas. Well done you.

What is so terrible about 'hosting' this woman who, if I'm interpreting this correctly, will otherwise be spending the entire Christmas period on her own, in a 1 bedroom flat...

What about you children - don't they want to see their grandmother?

You need to apply “not my circus, not my monkeys” to this. Busy yourself with your own lovely plans before and after the Christmas period and let DP take responsibility for his mum.

Ordinarily I'd agree with pp who say you overstepped and should have left it to him but we see dozens of posts every day from women carrying all the physical, emotional and mental load in relationships and its clear that you'd have ended up responsible for her however long she might be staying.

Therefore yanbu and your husband needs to let this go (and actually take responsibility in future).

In fact- I applaud you for not being taken for granted in this way.

I would have left it up to him to figure out, and when she arrived done absolutely nothing to host her. I would have just gone out and left them to it. Fucking bizarre behaviour from him that I wouldn't entertain.

I think your husband is socially awkward, I wonder where he gets it from...?
If he's so determined to have her over, leave it to him to organise. Then he can't be cross at you about any of it. Why do so many men announce these grand plans, but don't expect to actually be part of it? Do they think they have 'people' to do it for them, because I wouldn't.

I think in your position I'd say fine, call and reinstate the invitation if you want to, but you either take her home with the older child on x date, or if she's still here I'll be going out all day every day until she's gone, and hosting is down to husband (I wouldn't be buying food, washing, preparing, etc.). I don't think it's controlling to refuse to host her when your husband won't do anything about sorting it or speaking to her when she's there.

Did you read OP’s posts? MIL usually spends Christmas with friends and family. Probably because her son is useless.

You were completely out of order.

You should have left it to DH to deal with & be clear with him about the limits of your involvement.

And you nee to read articles before posting them. That article confirms what I said - there are strikes a week before Xmas and after new year. None in between.

That doesn't take away from the fact the OP's husband is being a dick.

Train strikes aren't until 3rd Jan?

I would say she is welcome, provided he does all the grunt work, the entertaining and ensuring she gets home and that might mean driving.

It is unkind to withdraw the invitation altogether when there are other options, such as the national express and other coach companies she could easily use instead. You were looking for an excuse to bail so no wonder your dh is upset.

I really hope your children are this 'loving' towards you.