DH is saying it's my fault our baby is sick in hospital

[aquarius100]

My 4 month old had a cold last week which has developed into bronchilitis. She has it quite badly and has been struggling to breathe, not feeding and non stop coughing. For these reasons she's been admitted into hospital. It's all been very stressful.

DD and I attend 2 baby sensory classes a week and on the days we're not at classes, I like to get out and about and take her for walks or go shopping, so we're not just sitting in the house all day. DH has used this against me and is saying that I need to stop all these classes and "stop carrying her around everywhere like a handbag" and is saying that this is the reason she has become ill. I have been really emotional over the fact she's in hospital and him guilt tripping me is just sending me over the edge. Have I been taking the baby out too much? I thought it is normal for babies to get coughs and colds and it builds up their immune system.

What a knob.

My 6mo recently has had bronchiolitis and croup and both were really rough; we managed to avoid hospital admission but had to go to A&E twice and were back and forth to the GP almost every day for a week - it was very scary seeing DS not able to breathe properly, you have my biggest sympathy. Colds, RSV, flu, covid, and a whole lot of other bugs are RIFE atm, every single child I know has been quite unwell for the last month.

Especially when it is your first baby, you need to be getting out of the house at least most days otherwise you'll go bonkers. Bit different with subsequent children as you have other (albeit unreasonable, if they're anything like my 2yo) people to talk to all day, but with a first baby it is almost a necessity for your sanity. Babies are a bit boring all day before they can chat.

Stick around. In a few weeks you'll have read enough threads to realise that a lot of women who post here def don't have normal men as their babies fathers.

Kind of. Are we to presume that all men are mean bustards from get go? I missed that memo

No, only the ones who provide irrefutable evidence they are complete cunts.

I agree 110% with this post.

Also - I really, truly think this is a case where any LTB posters are completely correct.

Despite how scary it would feel (but if I got through it decades ago, you can now, too!) I'd advise seeing a solicitor on the quiet, getting your ducks in a row and leaving your abhorrent, turd of a husband a note that just says "Goodbye" - or write it on the wall in big letters with red lipstick.

I hope your DD is better very soon. Have a glass of wine and try to stop taking onboard any of the dickhead's comments.🍷💐

there is a difference between

what a twat

what a twatish thing to do

hopefully the OPs dh has behaved in a twatish way out of character due to stress with first baby in hospital, and is not actually a twat himself

Absolutely this - so good that you're going to make a plan.

There’s no escaping these bugs. Especially currently after we’ve all been in isolation/restricted contact with limited natural immunity built up to flu/RSV and even the bloody cold.

im being hit hard by them all this year and that’s no one’s fault.

plus what’s to say your working husband didn’t bring this bug home with him but he didn’t show symptoms?

he’s a cunt to blame you.

I'd have found it difficult to keep my hands off him if he'd said that to me OP. He's an A grade dick. Sorry you've had such a difficult time, I hope your baby is better soon 💐

I hope he is not always like this and has said these terrible things because of shock and fear at the situation, but about 80% of babies get RSV before the age of 2 and a small number go on to develop bronchiolitis. You wouldn't blame an adult if they developed pneumonia after flu. I hope your DD gets well soon.

And the OP has just confirmed that she’s posted multiple times before about abusive behaviour from her husband.

There’s no “finally someone has some sense here” about making excuses for an abusive arsehole

Please read her posts, she's confirmed this is a pattern.

@aquarius100 You taking your daughter out and about is the BEST thing for her!
Babies and toddlers are vulnerable to every bug going, but this is how their immune systems develop ( That’s what our GP said)
The benefits of being well socialised and stimulated are immense
Hope she gets better soon x

Quite, the OP's update will be no surprise to most posters here.

We should not be encouraging women to accept cruel and abusive behaviour because some people hold men to a lower standard of conduct than women. OP's husband is a fully grown adult not a frustrated toddler who needs to be told to "use his words" FFS.

Fair play then. It wasn’t in the original post but if it’s a pattern it’s a different ball game.

My DS ended up in hospital with norovirus at 5 months old. And almost certainly from one of his baby groups because I have an adorable picture of him taken a few days before where he is mouthing a ball. Then at about 7 months had a lingering cough that probably was covid (Feb 2020 so we had no idea). Baby classes were good for my mental health so made me a better mum. If I had stayed inside I would not have been happy or mentally healthy. Your DH was completely out of order and very unkind to blame you. If mine had tried that I honestly don't think I could have stayed with him. The first year is an anxious enough time without guilt tripping. And it sounds as though this is a pattern rather than a one off. What do you need to do to get yourself in a position to leave?

What an absolute prick.

My daughter had it at 6 weeks old, we barely went out because I too was worried about the cold. Sometimes it happens. It absolutely IS NOT your fault at all.

Hoping she makes a speedy recovery xx

It wasn’t in the original post but if it’s a pattern it’s a different ball game.

The relationship board is an education. The pattern was predictable in the OP. New baby with husband attempting to undermine the confidence of the mother and manipulate her into social isolation.

It is not your fault!

My DD2 had bronchiolitis at 10 days old we ended up in hospital with breathing problems. In those 10 days we'd been out maybe 3 times, home from hospital, to day 5 and 10 midwife appointments.

I really hope little one is ok it's awful to see them so poorly. Remember it's not your fault your husband is an idiot

@aquarius100 ive just left an abusive shit after 5 years of denial. please message me if you ever need anyone to talk to. And FWIW don’t stop taking your baby to classes, he just wants you isolated and horrifically miserable, I was isolated and fucking miserable, then when the sadness takes over he’ll have a go at you for something else. These men are all the same they follow similar patterns. Take care of yourself and your lovely baby xx

You and others were absolutely excusing his behaviour – that’s exactly what explaining and rationalising away abuse is. And the OP’s update makes very clear that the first reply in the thread nailed it: he’s a bastard.

The thing is @raspberryjuiceandpompoms from the first post we have a man who picks a vulnerable first time mum to say something awful to at a really difficult time. It's also something blaming and guilt-inducing which implies a woman should have no freedom.

It's textbook. Sometimes one thing is really obviously a sign of something rotten underneath.

Stick around, read some threads, it becomes clear. And the risk of saying LTB to a woman who is venting is zero. My DH does the odd twattish thing and if MN told me to LTB I'd think, "well he's hot, lovely, kind, I love him and 99% of the time he's great" and I wouldn't LTB. But telling women being abused to stay is incredibly dangerous.

First reply nailed it

It's NOT your fault at all. Good on you for getting out and taking baby to sensory classes. It's unfortunate - and must be very worrying for you that she's developed bronchiolitis - but it is quite common. Actually, there's a lot to be said for babies being exposed to other children, and therefore different common, minor illnesses, as their immune system builds up. Think about all the babies that have several siblings in the household. Most little kids don't wash their hands before they let the baby suck their fingers etc. It's extremely insensitive and unreasonable of your partner to put the blame on you. Please don't be discouraged from continuing as you have been doing up to now. Get yourself, and your baby out! Your baby also needs stimulation and playtime - and so do you. Would he rather you just stayed in all the time? I actually find his attitude quite worrying. It's controlling. It is ringing real alarm bells for me as controlling is a form of abuse. Would he like to stay indoors with a young baby, isolated from other parents (where you might make new friends)? Do you have a family member you could confide in about this? Otherwise, maybe talk to women's aid about it. I'm sorry if this sounds OTT and I don't mean to put things on you that aren't really there, but it's very worrying.

Jesus. How disgusting of him.

From your last update op this isn't about the baby being sick, this sounds like suppressed anger from you going out and about