DH is saying it's my fault our baby is sick in hospital

[aquarius100]

My 4 month old had a cold last week which has developed into bronchilitis. She has it quite badly and has been struggling to breathe, not feeding and non stop coughing. For these reasons she's been admitted into hospital. It's all been very stressful.

DD and I attend 2 baby sensory classes a week and on the days we're not at classes, I like to get out and about and take her for walks or go shopping, so we're not just sitting in the house all day. DH has used this against me and is saying that I need to stop all these classes and "stop carrying her around everywhere like a handbag" and is saying that this is the reason she has become ill. I have been really emotional over the fact she's in hospital and him guilt tripping me is just sending me over the edge. Have I been taking the baby out too much? I thought it is normal for babies to get coughs and colds and it builds up their immune system.

This.

This doesn't have to be your life or the life of your child.

Reach out for support and make your plans quietly.

I am not familiar with your other threads but am unsurprised to read this behaviour is not in isolation.

It rarely is.

His remarks are meant to wound and undermine you, not the type of thing a decent man would ever consider doing.

The scales falling from your eyes is good.

Knowledge is power and you can protect your child and yourself.

It is critical that you reach out for support.

Abusive men like to dismiss, demean and isolate their victims.

Don't allow him to.
I hope your baby recovers quickly.

I think you should speak to the ward and tell them you think he is abusive. They will put you in touch with the right people to get support and do some safety planning with you.

What an absolute cnut. Babies need fresh air and socialisation. Generally you shouldn't have to avoid taking a baby out and to be fair if they're wrapped up well enough even illness shouldn't stop this.

I think he's a nasty piece of work especially when you're vulnerable post partum

If you don’t see that advising someone you don’t know to confront their abusive partner (who you also don’t know) is bad advice and potentially dangerous, then I don’t think anyone will be able to get you to a point of understanding to be honest

He’s upset and worried

and he’s being a total Dick and I’m so sorry

she will recover

and as for his foolishness , strike when the iron is cold x

Your DH is a dick. Ask your midwife to talk to him. Or the doctor.

OP want talking about DV. In her words: He was the loveliest man when I met him and treated me well. It wasn't until I got pregnant that he started showing these behaviours.

so it sounds that he’s mentally abusive and controlling. That’s a whole different kettle of fish. She says she couldn’t see it before and I presume she is conversing with her DH from time to time. I did it say start a fight with him but tell him how you feel. That’s a big difference.

Ask if there's someone at the hospital you can talk to about getting help getting out of an abusive relationship.

It's definitely not your fault. It's just one of those things. Any cold doesn't develop into bronchiolitis, there is a specific virus RSV that presents as cold symptoms in older children/adults but can cause bronchiolitis in little ones. It is rife at this time of year so unless you are totally isolating you or him could pick it up anywhere, only have v mild symptoms yourself and inadvertantly pass on to your baby.

One of mine had it and was very ill (on a ventilator in PICU). I was out and about a lot and there was also an older sibling in nursery so just not possible to prevent these things but that didn't stop me feeling guilty at the time. For him to say those things to you is awful, it is absolutely not your fault and you are already going through the challenge of having a child in hospital, he needs to be supporting rather than blaming you.

I did this with both of mine in the late 70’s early 80’s. Unless it was freezing or tipping it down we went out in all weathers.

Your DH is absolutely awful.

I took my newborn DS out every day, come rain or shine. My friend's DS had to be hospitalised due to bronchiolitis and was so stressed out. You have my sympathies OP.

It’s abuse. The safest thing is for her to make a plan and get out, not present him with a laundry list of behaviours. Please stop.

What a wanker . Its not your fault in any way, my dgd is in hospital with the same thing . She's 7 weeks and if ds said that to my dil because she's been to baby groups and out and about with dgd I'd kick his fucking arse into next week

It's not unusual for men to become abusive during pregnancy. Making you feel guilty could be his way of trying to keep you in the house instead of going out and meeting other mothers and babies. It's a way of trying to isolate you

I stayed with my abusive husband for more than 10 years waiting for him to turn back into the lovely man I married. I tried so hard to understand him, love him and forgive him.

There was an excuse for every incident - he was worried about work, stressed about money, upset by something someone has said to him, too tired. Or I or the kids had done / not done something to set him off.

It was always going to be different next week / month / year when he had a new job or I earned more money or the kids were older / in nursery / school / better behaved / went to be earlier / I Gave him more attention /kept the house tidier / lost weight .

Guess what ? It never was. It only ever got worse , despite my years of trying / hoping / complying / reading self help books / going for counselling.

I stayed so long trying to fix it that I was trapped financially and my kids were affected emotionally.

Don’t be me @aquarius100 . Get out now while your baby is small and you still have a job to go back to. And before he has worn you down to a shadow of your former self.

24 years ago at the beginning of my pregnancy and seeing my OB for the first time, I was quizzed about my relationship and my husbands treatment of me.

I was stunned and asked why she (nurse) was asking such questions.

I was told that there was a known link between the onset of domestic abuse and pregnancy.

24 years ago.
I had never heard of it before.

Some men think you are now stuck and feel comfortable revealing who they are and allow their controlling, isolating, financially abusive nature to emerge.

This is who he really is.

Reach out to the medical team, GP, Women's aid, quietly.

Create a paper trail and start planning your exit.

It wasn't until I got pregnant that he started showing these behaviours
the same thing happened to me.
Sadly pregnancy seems to be the litmus test for predators, a decent man, seeing that you are in an increasingly vulnerable conditional and knowing that the time is coming when he will have to step up as a parent, well a decent man will do the decent thing, his impulse will be to protective and nurture.

The other ones, seeing you increasingly vulnerable and knowing that they will be expected to step up, thier impulse is to crush and degrade you so that you feel to traumatized and worthless to ask for any help.

I came here to say this.
Hope your little one recovers soon.

It isn't your fault. Kids get sick.
Chin up, Mama bear xxxx

Your DH is a abusive arse!
You can't avoid baby getting RSV unless you live in a bubble mine is on his 2nd hit of it in 3 months and we have had a trip to A&E because of it. Mine has a older sibling but it wouldn't matter.

Please reach out to family for proper support and also don't stop going to baby groups they are good for the both of you!

This, this, this ^^

It is NOT your fault, and it is good for you and the baby to be getting out and doing things. Obviously not talking 8 hours in the cold, but as long as she is wrapped up well when outside having some external activity to focus on is a healthy and good thing. Sounds like you’re doing a great job.

Your husband is awful to guilt you about it. If he comes to you of his own accord to apologise (and sharpish) then I might write it off as a never to be repeated lapse in judgement due to stress and worry. But only if it’s a genuine and kind apology and it never, ever happens again. Otherwise it’s a massive red flag and you have a ‘D’H problem.

Oh, I had one like that. The language he used was just the same - dripping in misogyny. Couldn't bear the thought of me leaving the house instead of staying indoors.

It gets worse as they get older. So cover your tracks, make your plans and get out quickly, quietly and as far away as you possibly can before it's too late.

Babies and children get coughs, colds etc, it helps build their immune systems, for some children a cold is just that....my DC1 gets a cold and it's a runny nose, my DC2 gets a cold and it is straight to his chest, has been since 8 weeks old when he got bronchiolitis......at that point he had a sniffle that literally changed in hours to the cough, and required hospital treatment, no one's fault, it happens.

You DH really needs a reality check, babies and children get poorly,it happens NO ONE'S FAULT!

@aquarius100 hope your baby starts to feel better.

my DD has been unwell too with a chest infection. However, I have been ill myself (unrelated) and we hadn't gone out for a couple weeks. So by your partners logic she shouldn’t be ill.

FWIW going out and about and exposing your child to people, environments and germs is actually better for them to build immunity xx

I think that's an unforgivable thing to say. Please don't take it to heart - it's absolutely not your fault. Your DH has shown his true colours by lashing out like this and they are not pretty. I would be seriously questioning the relationship.

Most babies get 6-8 colds in the first year. For some babies that can be as high as 10.

Your husbands response is quite concerning really. Will he blame you for every childhood illness?

For gods sake I’ve tried to be patient with you. You don’t know what OP’s other posts have been like - he may be violent at times. None of us know. Telling her to speak up is not guaranteed to be safe. And saying it’s not DV is ridiculous.

Stop posting, it’s getting silly now