DH is saying it's my fault our baby is sick in hospital

[aquarius100]

My 4 month old had a cold last week which has developed into bronchilitis. She has it quite badly and has been struggling to breathe, not feeding and non stop coughing. For these reasons she's been admitted into hospital. It's all been very stressful.

DD and I attend 2 baby sensory classes a week and on the days we're not at classes, I like to get out and about and take her for walks or go shopping, so we're not just sitting in the house all day. DH has used this against me and is saying that I need to stop all these classes and "stop carrying her around everywhere like a handbag" and is saying that this is the reason she has become ill. I have been really emotional over the fact she's in hospital and him guilt tripping me is just sending me over the edge. Have I been taking the baby out too much? I thought it is normal for babies to get coughs and colds and it builds up their immune system.

I took my son, 11 months, outside when he had a cold. It was foggy and a very mild cold developed into pneumonia.

@Abra1t I think it's the luck of the draw whether it develops into something else, rather than being anything to do with taking them out in the cold air.

Also, I think OP's DH is saying that her taking the baby out when she was well was wrong because it led to her developing a germ at all. But obviously shit happens and it wasn't wrong for OP to take them out.

@raspberryjuiceandpompoms will your DC not go to nursery/school in the winter?

Do you never go anywhere without DC during winter months just in case you bring a virus home with you?

Omfg ladies, we’re talking about someone’s husband, father and a son

ODFOD. This 'husband, father and son' referred to his child as 'being carried around like a handbag' and is trying to guilt an already worried mother into taking the blame for the baby being sick. He gets no 'there there dear, it's only because you're a man' hand pats from me.

You're a good mother. Tell him to go fuck himself.

Is he staying with the baby in hospital... I hazard a guess it's you in there with her.

1. Carrying a baby around is both normal and healthy - it's how they learn to feel safe and secure in the world. There are times when even my 6yo 'baby' still needs a carry cuddle! That feeling of closeness between parent and child is extremely important for your dd's emotional development.
2. Loads of horrible viruses are currently around by virtue of reduced immunity from us all keeping 2 metres apart for the best part of two years! That does not mean we should stop going out, this is the medical impact of society getting back to normal. My youngest is catching everything that's going around. Babies and children thrive on interaction and going to new places and meeting new people and doing new things. It's how their neural pathways develop.
3. Your H should be focusing on ensuring you're supporting each other through this horrible time. Does he always blame you for things completely outside of your control?! If this is a pattern of behaviour, please be careful op. If it's a one off, perhaps he could do with seeing these responses and seeing just how ridiculous and unhelpful/ damaging his reaction is.

I hope your baby feels much better soon. This is not your fault.

Omfg ladies, we’re talking about someone’s husband, father and a son. Calling him bastard because he’s worried about his daughter with no context at all.

@raspberryjuiceandpompoms No one has any problem with him caring about his daughter's health. What isn't fair is him falsely blaming OP for her catching a bug (and now being very poorly.) That's an awful thing to say to someone.

Nasty people will criticise you whatever you do. If you hadn’t been taking her out, he would’ve most likely criticised you when she eventually got unwell for not exposing her enough or building an immune system.

my DD had Bronchilitis at a similar age so I understand your stress. My partner never once made it my fault because sadly illness is inevitable most of the time. You have done everything right by monitoring her and seeking medical help when you knew she needed it.

Do not let him make this about you. He sounds vile and tbh I would suggest you leave him.

I do not think that 100% of MN is saying the OP's OH is a [choose expletive] - many are saying that we often, as humans, lash out when we are anxious or frightened. Hopefully this is what it is and I wish them both well and hope baby will be well soon and they can resolve this choppy patch.

Men and women are allowed to be fallible and get it wrong sometimes.

Omfg ladies, we’re talking about someone’s husband, father and a son

The most ridiculous comment 😂

Does being a husband, father or son stop you from being a dick?

You can't wrap your baby up in a bubble. Babies get sick. It's scary but it's how they build up immunity. Your husband is totally unreasonable. Your baby needs to experience the world around them to learn and develop. You also need social interaction.

I’m not adding the blame, I’m saying you all heard just one side of the story and presumably OP is grown up enough to chose a normal man to be her baby father why not look at it at all angles? Why blame men from point 0? Why not try to find a solution instead of filing for divorce? Or would you suggest that OP stays together with a “bastard”?
by the way, if anyone called my DH that would have really hurt my feelings. We can moan about our men but no need for name calling.

My school age little boy catches a cold and passes it on to my small baby, is it his “fault” his siblings catches it? No of course not! Your husband is being an arse.

What a nasty, nasty man.

No it should stop someone call a person a bastard based on one line. I said plenty of stuff I’m not particularly proud of so what? Sit down, work it out . Don’t just diss your SO. They obviously said what they said because they felt what they felt. Address that.

I’m saying you all heard just one side of the story and presumably OP is grown up enough to chose a normal man to be her baby father

Are you new here?

I have posted about my husband many times on here before (have name changed) and posters are always telling me he's abusive. I think I've been in denial, because he hasn't always been like this. He was the loveliest man when I met him and treated me well. It wasn't until I got pregnant that he started showing these behaviours. I've been finding ways to excuse his behaviour because this isn't the man I fell in love with, but I guess I can't deny the fact anymore, he is abusive. Once dd has recovered, I think I need to put a plan together about what I'm going to do.

Finally someone has some sense in here

He is an arsehole of the first order.

It's NOT your fault.

Kind of. Are we to presume that all men are mean bustards from get go? I missed that memo

Please leave that man…

It's better for baby to be out because it's better for your mental health to be out. Is he normally controlling or is it anxiety? I'd talk to the HV or nurse in front of him.

It's really common that abusive behaviour comes out in pregnancy, once you are 'stuck' with them. Exactly for this reason, they can use the baby to control you, guilt you, financially abuse you, make you feel terrible.

You need to listen to the lovely women of MN. It won't get better unless you make it get better by planning to leave.

Er getting out and about is for the baby’s benefit too surely! Stimulation, socialisation, fresh air… am amazed that anybody could argue it’s best to keep a baby indoors!

No you aren’t allowed to act in whatever way you want because you ‘feel what you feel’. That’s not a get our clause for acting like a bastard.
It is utterly ridiculous, never mind downright cruel for this guy to make his wife feel like she is the reason her baby is currently in hospital. Which is neither true or an acceptable way to speak to someone in a worrying time.

What does your dh think the alternative is? That you keep her indoors until she starts primary school? Where she will probably end up with pneumonia after her 1st cold because she has no immune system whatsoever.

Definitely not your fault. If he is normally not like this, it's probably just the stress but he shouldn't be taking it out on you. And I would be addressing it with him once the baby is out of hospital.