DH is saying it's my fault our baby is sick in hospital

[aquarius100]

My 4 month old had a cold last week which has developed into bronchilitis. She has it quite badly and has been struggling to breathe, not feeding and non stop coughing. For these reasons she's been admitted into hospital. It's all been very stressful.

DD and I attend 2 baby sensory classes a week and on the days we're not at classes, I like to get out and about and take her for walks or go shopping, so we're not just sitting in the house all day. DH has used this against me and is saying that I need to stop all these classes and "stop carrying her around everywhere like a handbag" and is saying that this is the reason she has become ill. I have been really emotional over the fact she's in hospital and him guilt tripping me is just sending me over the edge. Have I been taking the baby out too much? I thought it is normal for babies to get coughs and colds and it builds up their immune system.

Naturally, but there's a distinction between a petty argument and a domestic abuser, clearly.

No relationship is sunshine and rainbows everyday, people argue, sometimes over tedious matters.

Bitter hag signing into the thread! Blaming your partner for the hospitalisation of a baby isn’t a petty argument.

Start making a plan now OP don't wait until your baby is better, you probably have more time now.

My guess is he wants to isolate you, he hoped you having a baby would do that in itself.

I'm glad you've recognised he's abusive. Abuse often starts in pregnancy, sadly.

Abusers are nice at first for exactly the reasons you talk about - it makes it really hard to believe their abusive behaviour, and also means you're always striving to get that (non existent) lovely person "back".

I'm sorry this has happened to you and wishing you strength to make a better life that you deserve. You can do it.

My dd caught bronchiolitis at 1month, before we had had a chance to leave the house properly.

It was December, and I beat myself up thinking it was from being stuck inside! HV assured me most people are carrying minor bugs this time of year, that their little lungs can't handle.

It is not your fault, you are both most likely extremely stressed and sleep deprived, but he shouldn't turn on you. Chat to a good HV if you have one, they gave me a lot of info about it, hopefully they can relay this and show him how unreasonable he's being.

Firstly, well yes he is right in that if you sat in he house all day every day with your baby then they would never get ill. But their development would be behind, both of you would be bored shitless, her immune system wouldn't function properly, and your mental health would be in tatters. So babies need to get out and about and they do get ill. There will be many more illnesses and doctors visits before school.

In any case unless someone has been completely negligent then although its tempting to place blame for a kid getting ill or injured, most decent people realise that everyone makes mistakes, and that the parent that was with them when they got hurt or whatever is likely feeling absolutely terrible about it and actually telling them they are at fault wont achieve anything other than make them feel awful.

It does sound like you need to leave

This.

I would be making lists of all the things you can’t do now so you can keep your baby safe.

First being banning your Dh from the house in case he brings germs into it.

He can’t go out and be mixing with the general public and expect to keep his child germ free.

He needs to live elsewhere during the winter months and not see his dc till next summer at the earliest

What a Prat

@BabyOnBoard90 either you’re abusive or you’re just exceptionally dim. Or both I suppose. Either way you’re coming across as a bit of a prat so probably time to go look up some therapy sessions yes?

Says the person throwing allegations and insults to a stranger on the Internet? Get help love

Well no, but I thought there was a massive flashing red flag in the OP - that he was essentially angry at her for having a life outside the four walls of her house, no matter how modest, and is using the baby's (realistically unpreventable) illness as a means to attempt to emotionally blackmail her into curtailing her already modest activities - and sure enough, OP comes back later to confirm she has posted about his behaviour many times before and been advised that he is abusive.

Thankfully what you think/ believe, has no bearing on my own opinions.

what a git.

it is not your fault that your baby is ill. coughs and colds are normal. Bronchiolitis is horrible but it's not something that you can avoid by hiding away like a recluse. your baby is getting the medical attention she needs and will be better soon.

of course she's not a handbag and you aren't treating her as one. you are treating her as your daughter. regular activities out of the house are generally good for both mum and baby.

it's terrifying when your little baby is so ill they need hospital treatment. terrified people sometimes say stupid things, and will sometimes lash out in anger at whatever target is nearby. he may have been going a bit irrational when he was so hurtful. if he's actually a decent human being he will apologise once he has calmed down.

Being frightened to speak up 'embarrassing him' in front if a HCP is also a red flag of a bigger pattern of unreasonable behaviour and expecting her to minimise it, roll over.

OP, reach out for help, either at the hospital or your GP, or HV, alone, in secret if you have to. Explain this and any other prior incidents that have lead you to be anxious about challenging him. Abusive behaviour often spirals after a baby arrives. He is not magically going to become kinder, the opposite.

@BabyBabyOnBoard90

Of course socialising and going to groups makes children more likely to get infections ...it's a vital part of building immunity....the babies that didn't socialise due to lockdown are now getting very sick just as they enter education which is further effecting their development and education.
Research shows getting infections early reduces serious illness later in life.

So is being oppressed a religious thing or are you a man?