DH is saying it's my fault our baby is sick in hospital

[aquarius100]

My 4 month old had a cold last week which has developed into bronchilitis. She has it quite badly and has been struggling to breathe, not feeding and non stop coughing. For these reasons she's been admitted into hospital. It's all been very stressful.

DD and I attend 2 baby sensory classes a week and on the days we're not at classes, I like to get out and about and take her for walks or go shopping, so we're not just sitting in the house all day. DH has used this against me and is saying that I need to stop all these classes and "stop carrying her around everywhere like a handbag" and is saying that this is the reason she has become ill. I have been really emotional over the fact she's in hospital and him guilt tripping me is just sending me over the edge. Have I been taking the baby out too much? I thought it is normal for babies to get coughs and colds and it builds up their immune system.

What an arsehole. Of course what you are doing with your baby is completely normal. To be encouraged I would say after the last nearly 3 years of Covid.

your baby has just been unlucky and I am sure she’s getting the best possible care and will be fine. Subject to medical advice, once she’s better, carry on as normal x

That’s kind of the point. It WAS in the original post as far as lots of us could see, because it is far from “normal” to speak to your partner like he did. It was clear to many that there was a high chamber he was a nasty, abusive man and the OP was in a vulnerable place.

*high chance

ThIs!!! Please tell someone at the hospital what has been said.

Several posters have put his comments down to stress, but I disagree - plenty of fathers have gone through the stress of having children in the hospital without blaming or shaming the baby's mother.

Being stressed is no excuse for taking his stress out on you!.
It shows his focus is on blaming, when his focus should be on supporting you whilst you support your child in the hospital.

I've had children in hospital several times over the years, and I know how stressful it is, it's hard to comprehend how you must feel, when you are so worried about your baby, to be spoken to like that.

I think when a man uses pretexts to isolate the mother of a baby, it's often a red flag. Taking care of a baby or of any pre-school aged child, is already very isolating, because it's a job that requires you to be with the child 24/7/365, morally, but also legally. You can't do anything without either taking the child with you, or handing them over to another responsible adult who is willing to care for them. So to isolate that mother, who is already under these very burdensome and strict restrictions, and to use blame as the pretext (it's your fault the baby got bronchiolitis because you went out and socialised with other human beings in company of your baby, shock, horror) I think that is very concerning.

I'm glad the truth has dawned on you OP although I'm so sorry for what you're going through.

He sounds horrific and cruel. I hope you and your daughter have a better life going forward. Be strong for her.

To be honest go easy with him. Theres so much stupid miss-info online. I saw something really silly from quite a reputable medical website saying that newborns should be kept away from being around lots of new people due to their 'weak immune systems' for 2-3 months! In fact it was stipulating you shouldn't introduce the baby to extended family members for that period of time! I mean how Ridiculous is that - but if his first child and he doesn't know any better it's only natural he might stumble on something so silly as that and take it as gospel!

Hi, mum to an 8 month old here, we sometimes go to three classes a week, additional coffee meet ups, this is inaddition to taking the baby along with me to most of the things I need to do. This is not abnormal for my group of mums friends, and the consensus is that it is good for baby development, attachment and maternal mental health. It is normal for babies and infants to get lots of colds and bugs as their immune system is practically non existent.

Can I ask if he often tries to restrict your movements or if he's controlling in other ways, cause that comment looks a lot like coercive control to me.

RTFT and op's comments on previous posts about her 'D' H

I'm so glad to hear that you've seen his behaviour for what it is and you're going to put a plan in place. I'm not surprised at all to hear he has a pattern of abusive behaviour as his comments in this situation definitely struck me as wanting to control you and restrict your movements.

As another PP has said, it is so, so common for abusive men to start off lovely, and for abuse to begin in pregnancy. It's so common in fact that that's why midwives started asking about it. Good luck to you and I know the women of Mumsnet will be able to give you plenty of good advice when the time comes.

So long as you wrap up the baby in plenty of warm clothing, the fresh air should do both of you some good.
I'm wondering what the 'D' in DH can possibly stand for?

myself and DH told lots of twattish things to each other when we are stressed and sleep deprived. I wouldn’t even post it because out of context they sound absolutely horrible. But we care about each other deeply and often talk it through and forgive, none of us are perfect. I just done like the black and white thinking. When it’s clear that it’s a pattern of abuse - then it’s different all together. I still think it would be useful for OP to confront her partner, call him out on all the horrible things he said and done and then decide once and for all when it becomes absolutely clear. For context I was in abusive relationship before and I know the difference between men who don’t have an appropriate filter and men who are abusive.

Yikes. The OP has said it’s clear to her he’s abusive. She’s said she’s posted many times. Advice to confront him and list the ways is really not good. She needs a practical plan to get out safely for her and her baby, not some “you go, girl” showdown.

To be honest I remember Feb/March 2020 when COVID first started to surface but was not quite at pandemic stage we still took our baby to Sensory classes. She was so sick for 2 weeks. Totally broke my heart! Now I realise I was being a bit silly and stupidly paranoid as it was our first and I kept blaming myself for putting her at risk. With number 2 Im so much more confident and know babies getting sick it's just a part of life. But the me, back in 2020 was a germ paranoid wreck!

@Soothsayer1
He's a disgusting selfish shallow person, when this is over I would be monitoring him and deciding if I want to be with him long term, if the answer is no start making a plan obviously don't let him know.

Honestly, how do you know if he's all the things you've described. Maybe OP did take the baby out when she was unwell. We don't know that. Maybe the sound of baby in great distress and bad fits of coughing prompted unwise comments from him. This is not to defend his comments but to understand when in a very helpless and scary situation we sometimes do come out with unwise comments.

Do you categorise everybody with words like 'disgusting selfish shallow' just after somebody's description without knowing any background? Also advising people to take the huge step of breaking up a marriage with children just for this? You don't know any background to this family at all.

Even if the OP did take the baby out when unwell that still doesn’t cause bronchiolitis.

I thought it is normal for babies to get coughs and colds and it builds up their immune system.

You’re correct, your DH is a dickhead.
Sometimes babies get sick, sometimes children get sick , sometimes adults get sick… it’s called life and happens the world over. Modern medicine and some TLC is all that’s needed. You’d have thought he’d have realised that.
Hope your LO is well again soon, kids bounce back.

OP, it also classic of abusers to start ramping up in pregnancy when youre your most vulnerable.
Please try to listen this time.
Also your baby being ill isn't your fault. I hope they are better soon.

He's a pig.

That’s not go girl thing. That’s how I understood once and for all that my partner was a raging narcissist. I told him why I was hurting and he laughed in my face.

Good lord OP, you do see some things on here that make you wonder why women put up with the men they've ended up with but this takes some beating. The words he used are misogynistic, hateful and disgusting. What you are doing is socialising your baby in a very normal and positive way and these things are par for the course. The fact it has turned more severe is simply bad luck. I wonder what he actually contributes or even knows about one if he thinks otherwise. It sounds as though he would prefer you isolated at home, not living your own life, which is very worrying.

What a disgusting person he is. I would not continue to be in a relationship with a man that spoke to me that way or was that ignorant of the care of his own child and I wouldn't want any child growing up with that example as set by him. Moreover if he had any shred of decency about him or loved you in the way a partner should he would be ramping up his care of you and the baby at this upsetting time.

Just so angry for you OP, please, please don't blame yourself, don't cover for him on this, tell people around you.

Leave your abuser.

Hi OP
I took DS to two classes a week which were still socially distanced.

He still caught RSV (that developed into bronchilitis) and it hit him hard. I should add that he was 10lbs at birth, 6mths at the time and I have OCD so clean and sterilise religiously!

It is absolutely rife at the moment and it makes no sense to blame anyone. We spent a full week in the hospital and I couldn’t have felt more guilty than I already did anyway (questioned if I hadn’t cleaned well enough etc). The difference is that I couldn’t have had a more supportive partner, who recognised that I needed extra love and support in that moment too. You deserve better!

Sending hugs and I hope your little one recovers soon.

My immediate impression on reading your OP was that this is a prelude/pretext to him isolating you and controlling your movements.

I think it's sound advice that you communicate to professionals who are looking after your baby what's going on. I wouldn't necessarily say anything in front of him - this isn't a case of him needing to have sense talked into him. Do it when he's not there. It will be on record (presumably) then and they may be able to point you to services that can help.

Some kids are more vulnerable to developing bronchiolitis then others. In my sons case it was because he was asthmatic. Do not believe him that it’s your fault. You can’t put your baby in a bubble forever. They love getting out and about and seeing the world. It’s how they learn.
Mind yourself OP. Rest when you can.