DH is saying it's my fault our baby is sick in hospital

[aquarius100]

My 4 month old had a cold last week which has developed into bronchilitis. She has it quite badly and has been struggling to breathe, not feeding and non stop coughing. For these reasons she's been admitted into hospital. It's all been very stressful.

DD and I attend 2 baby sensory classes a week and on the days we're not at classes, I like to get out and about and take her for walks or go shopping, so we're not just sitting in the house all day. DH has used this against me and is saying that I need to stop all these classes and "stop carrying her around everywhere like a handbag" and is saying that this is the reason she has become ill. I have been really emotional over the fact she's in hospital and him guilt tripping me is just sending me over the edge. Have I been taking the baby out too much? I thought it is normal for babies to get coughs and colds and it builds up their immune system.

He is in for a shock over the years when he realises how often baby is going to get ill! It isn't your fault it turned into bronchiolitis and ended up in hospital, you can't not ever go out or socialise or send them to nursery/school!! Hope you are ok and no it isn't your fault x

I think the PP meant the first post, as in the first reply, had it nailed.

They do.

It's definitely not your fault. Sorry he is making you feel that way.

It’s bronchiolitis season. Hospitals are full of bronch babies, it’s the same every year. Trust me, I work in one.

This is not your fault, your ‘D’H is a twat.

Is he always like this?

Unless you are slinging her over one arm and using her to store your purse and lipstick in then he’s completely wrong and an utter shithead
I hope your baby gets well soon OP x

My 8wk old DD got bronchiolitis and I hadn't taken her out. If my DH had blamed me in anyway I'd have given him short shrift. It's not your fault!

Beautifully expressed. I couldn't have put it better myself.

It's NOT your fault, OP. For both your health and your baby's you are right to get out and about.

Babies are funny little souls, and a cold that one might shrug of will become more serious in another. TBH at the moment so many people are having to economise with fuel, that keeping a baby indoors in a possibly cold, dampish atmosphere is much worse than taking them out into cold, clean, fresh air (wrapping them up, obviously).

Your husband it a total twat - DO NOT blame yourself, and when she has recovered, continue to take her out and about. She will enjoy it and it will keep you sane.

I'm a homebody and used to take DD to baby group once per week and maybe shopping once or twice a week. She still got ill it has nothing to do with taking her out. Some babies go to full time nursery from 6 months so will be exposed to all sorts. It's nobodies fault just one of those things.

RSV and respiratory viruses are rife at this time of year and this year is also a bad year for them, its much more prevalent (due to lockdowns),
It's really common in under 2's and most kids will get it, unfortunately, due to lockdown it's now affecting more kids as they didn't get exposed as normal first few years so there is a bigger pool of infected kids out there. It's not a problem in older kids, just a cold, but younger babies have smaller airways and the sticky secretions are difficult for them to cope with.
It's unrealistic to keep your baby indoors and not mixing for the whole first 2 winters of life,
I worked on PICU and have nursed hundreds of kids with RSV, but never once have I blamed a parent for their kid getting it. It's just one of those things.
Your DH is being a dick.

What a horrible horrible thing to say.

It's 100% not your fault

What a nasty piece of work! I would go absolutely stir crazy on maternity leave if I stayed in, so both DDs have been out and about with me from day 1. You just got unlucky, OP. Babies get coughs and colds; it's important that they do to prime their immune system. Occasionally it can go into their chest and become more serious but there's no way to avoid coming into contact with normal bugs.

Is he going to be the same when she goes to nursery and picks up germs? Or school? Will that be your fault too?

Not your fault at all. Babies get colds all the time, especially in winter. Unfortunately this time your little ones turned into something more - it happens. My DS had his first cold at 4 weeks old! And I can tell you he’s had many since then. Your DH is being completely unreasonable

He is obviously upset and hurting, worried and stressed too so I am sure he doesn't mean what he is saying. He's just trying to make sense of it all and I, for one, have definitely had these thoughts when my kids were ill and trying to find someone to blame makes it easier to deal with.

HOWEVER, after saying that, it is obviously not OK to blame you and once your daughter is better, you need to have a serious chat with him about this attitude. You have done nothing wrong here and it will take a while to believe that but you really havent. You're doing what any other parent does. When you have 2 kids, it's even harder to protect baby from germs as they just pick them up from the big one, and they do get dragged round all kinds of places 'like a handbag' because, like a handbag, you can't really leave them at home!!!!!

Hope your baby is OK and recovers soon. There is absolutely nothing worse than them beign so little and ill.

Of course it’s not your fault. What a horrible
thing to say. It’s normal for babies to get 6-8 colds in their first year as they haven’t had a chance to build up immunity yet. Unfortunately sometimes colds develop
into bronchiolitis and there’s not really any way to predict it sadly. But unless your baby was born extremely premature or has an illness that affects her immune function, there’s no reason not to take her to baby groups at 4 months. It would probably be worse NOT to take her out in the long run - babies need some exposure to the outside world to develop their immune system. And fresh air and sunshine is important too.

Your baby could have just as easily caught a bug from a visiting family member. Your husband could have brought it into the house just as easily. I assume he doesn’t go out in a hermetically sealed bubble?

The handbag comment is unnecessary. It’s important to get out for your mental health too! Being a new mum can be draining and lonely.

I hope your little one is on the mend soon x

What a horrible thing to say.

People get germs, that's the way it goes. Barring a situation like that we faced at the height of Corona, healthy people including children can't let the potential to catch germs be a reason for us not to go out/mix with others.

Absolutely. That would verge on unforgivable for me.

Your dh is an utter twat. I am sorry that you are married to him. That is a horrid thing to say, and not even slightly true.

All the best wishes to your dd for a speedy recovery. 💐

Some babies who had no exposure to normal bugs during lockdown went on to develop very severe conditions which were put down to their immune systems not being sufficiently stimulated by contact with others.

www.bbc.com/news/health-61269586

Your baby needs that contact, yes sometimes it can go wrong but so can the alternative.

'Like a handbag'

Let me be the first to mention the misogyny here.

I do agree with the posts who say he's worried and upset and that's where this is coming from. But to blame and undermine you like this is never ok and I'd also agree with those who are sure it won't be his first display of shittiness.

I’ve been a paeds nurse 17 years on a general ward and I can’t tell you the amount of babies I looked after with bronchiolitis, they are tiny with tiny airways and a cold to us is bronchiolitis to them.
I’ve nursed some brand new babies some older, up to 2/3 years old. Does he think you should have remained in a bubble. That would mean him stripping off and showering after work. Meticulously cleaning his hands prior to coming near her and having an immaculate home. Basic hand hygiene and sanitation of surfaces and sterilising bottles etc is important for young babies but they also need fresh air and to go places - you need to shop etc. if she had siblings they catch colds etc at nursery and bring them home. It’s part of life and it’s not avoidable really.

most babies can be cared for at home but some struggle to feed - usually the tiny ones but some older too, so feeding little and often or via ng tube to give them a rest. Some require some oxygen and some also need suction as breathing through secretions is impossible with such tiny airways add in trying to suck and breathe and it gets really tricky so some babies do need more help than others. It’s no one’s fault it happens. It’s a winter bug and my ward is full of bronch/rsv every winter. It’s very busy and can be very stressful for parents, but that’s no excuse for blame and for him to take his frustrations out on you. Please don’t feel this is your fault, have your husband at the ward round and the consultant will likely say the same. I hope your tiny one feels better soon, it can be a long process getting them over this but hopefully you’ll be home soon

What does he expect you to do, stay in all the time? What does he then think will happen when she starts nursery or school? I took DS to baby classes once a week at a few weeks old and now at 5 months we go somewhere every day. He also had a cold last week and the only difference between you and I is luck. I am sorry you and your DD were unlucky and she’s got more poorly.

I took my son, 11 months, outside when he had a cold. It was foggy and a very mild cold developed into pneumonia. He really didn’t seem ill at all when I took him out, just a sniffle, no cough and and no fever,
and he was eating like mad. Next morning he was breathing with difficulty. He spent four nights in hospital.

it happens very quickly. It’s not your fault. Families can’t always stay in with every single sniffle in cold or foggy weather if an otherwise healthy baby has a mild cold. Other children need taking to school. Dogs need walking. Shopping needs to be done.

Nobody made me feel bad. They could see I was frantically concerned. The nurses told me this time of year was always bad for bronchiolitis and pneumonia for babies.

Hope baby is better soon. That's a terrible thing for him to have said and I also think you should repeat it in front of a HCP at the hospital, they will have heard this before and know how to correct him. Absolutely not your fault baby is poorly.

Not your post.

The first reply which was:

What a fucking BASTARD

I agree, your DH is being aright nasty bastard about this. Hopefully he isn't quite as hurtful and spiteful in general.