DH is saying it's my fault our baby is sick in hospital

[aquarius100]

My 4 month old had a cold last week which has developed into bronchilitis. She has it quite badly and has been struggling to breathe, not feeding and non stop coughing. For these reasons she's been admitted into hospital. It's all been very stressful.

DD and I attend 2 baby sensory classes a week and on the days we're not at classes, I like to get out and about and take her for walks or go shopping, so we're not just sitting in the house all day. DH has used this against me and is saying that I need to stop all these classes and "stop carrying her around everywhere like a handbag" and is saying that this is the reason she has become ill. I have been really emotional over the fact she's in hospital and him guilt tripping me is just sending me over the edge. Have I been taking the baby out too much? I thought it is normal for babies to get coughs and colds and it builds up their immune system.

I really hope this is just your husband's own stress and fear talking and he isn't always like this - but even then, he totally, totally wrong for blaming you in this way.

I know it's terrifying when tiny babies get so ill, but you did nothing wrong. It's great that you and your baby were getting out of the house and going to classes. And those classes ARE germ factories but that's just it, babies catch colds, it's not in their best interests on any level to wrap them up in cotton wool if they are typical and healthy (obviously different if they have other issues going on). You couldn't predict the bronchiolitis and it's unlikely you could have totally protected your child from it. Do not let your husband make you feel even an ounce of guilt for being an engaged, active parent to your baby.

He is being an arse.

stop carrying her around everywhere

what are you supposed to do with a baby then besides carrying them around? He does realise 4 month old babies can't actually be left home alone?

Of course it's not your fault.

What's he like normally? Is he worried and has acted out of character or is this typical of him? My dd has bronchiolitis at 18 months old, we were in hospital for a week and it was one of the worst times of my life. I was visiting my parents at the time with ds too who was 3 months at the time. I felt irrationally guilty but it was my dh that reminded me that she could have got sick had we been at home too and he was with us every day in the hospital, leaving in the evening to take care of ds overnight. His job is to be supportive and not lash out. I know people can say stupid things when worried but try not to let it get to you. Put it to one side and once your lo is better, talk about it.

yes, this.

Like so many posts like this, I assume this is the tip of the iceberg. Is he controlling in other ways? Do you have to tell him where you are at all times and justify time out with the baby? What about finances? Are you ever able to go out without the baby?

This is not my first post. I've name changed.

He is a total fick and I would have a serious think about this relationship. I appreciate that he may be speaking from a place of fear and helplessness and lashing out. This is not ok. Life will throw other challenges at you. Can you trust him to stay in adult mode and partner you? Or will he be unable to self regulate and lash out? I would have no respect for a partner who did the latter without going to therapy and sorting themselves out.

When things calm, I would point out that he did not partner you, he did not self regulate, he made things worse. This is unacceptable. How will he ensure that will never happen again? That will tell you everything you need to know.

And of course you didn't cause this. I was out every day with dc1 and will be exactly the same when the baby I am pregnant with arrives.

I didn't take the baby out when she was ill. When she had the cold I kept her indoors but it still developed into bronchiolitis.

Yes.

But it is hard to believe him saying such a nasty thing is in isolation.

Sounds to me you have married an nasty arsehol and have mistakenly had a child with him.

I hope you are retuurning to work and maintaining your financial independences.

I would not be having another child with someone who thinks it is appropriate to be so nasty to a stressed new mother.

I would be very wary going forward because such nastiness is usually a sign of an abusive personality IMO.

Don't brush this off.

I suspect this isn't the first time your husband has said something like this. I guess he's controlling and emotionally abusive in other ways.

He can get fucked. It’s perfectly normal to take 4 month old babies out and about with you. Your baby’s illness is not your fault.

Sorry he sounds abusive. You don’t just come out with shit like that.

fyi my 4mo got bronchiolitis and I was indoors 24/7 due to birth injury.

Baby probably caught it from him for all we know.

Don't listen to DH. It's fine for them going out to work everyday and interacting with people. I think its much better for Mums to get out and about and its good for babies to see different places and people. When I sat at home all day with baby I got depressed, I felt much better going out to baby groups and meeting up with other Mums. How does DH know that what the baby has isn't something that he's brought home? Tell DH that assigning blame isn't going to help anything, you should both be concentrating on the baby getting better. I hope that she is better soon and out of hospital.

Then he's a dickhead and needs binning. Get rid of him op he's no good to you.

Sorry I must of read your post wrong originally.

Hes vile. Sorry you don't have someone more supportive x

Reach out to family and friends and tell them what he has said.

I would NEVER forgive a remark like that, that I was treating my new baby like a handbag.

He may be stressed but his go to is to abuse you emotionally with extremely nasty remarks.

I cannot believe this is in total isolation.

Too nasty.

I'm just going to say it - this is what abusive men do. I've seen it first hand when a relative's husband blamed her for something that was in no way her fault. That was also about one of their children.

What he has said serves two purposes. It makes you feel terrible and knocks your confidence and it is designed to isolate you at home.

I imagine there is more going on here than just this incident. Is there op?

Does he ever take the baby out?

That's a really mean thing for him to say and total nonsense. Sounds like he can't handle his emotions and is displacing that onto you which. He needs to deal with his own shit. Babies get colds it's a normal part of building immunity. You did nothing wrong.

What the actual fuck. No OP you’ve done nothing wrong it would be worse if you weren’t taking her out and about, she would have no immunity building at all!

my little one is nearly three. We’ve had one overnight stay in hospital due to a virus and three visits to a&e plus an out of hours appointment. It happens - they pick up everything! Unless you’re going to keep them inside for their entire life it’s going to happen.

As it would have done regardless of what action you took. There’s nothing you can do to treat a cold that will prevent it from developing into brochiolitis, it’s just unfortunate.

Not your fault babies are fragile especially when very young. A cold can quickly turn bad it's why HCPs will see a baby very quickly.

Bizarre. I live in Germany and you're expected to let babies get plenty of fresh air. When it's freezing you add more layers - in the winter you see babies with an adult pillow as a blanket. If you get back from a walk and the baby's asleep in the pram, you put them on the balcony so they don't overheat. All good for the baby's lungs. You presumably made sure your little one was nice and warm, and took all sensible precautions. Why would your husband think otherwise? General lack of respect? Manipulation?

WELL HE CAN GET FUCKED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

☝