DH is saying it's my fault our baby is sick in hospital

[aquarius100]

My 4 month old had a cold last week which has developed into bronchilitis. She has it quite badly and has been struggling to breathe, not feeding and non stop coughing. For these reasons she's been admitted into hospital. It's all been very stressful.

DD and I attend 2 baby sensory classes a week and on the days we're not at classes, I like to get out and about and take her for walks or go shopping, so we're not just sitting in the house all day. DH has used this against me and is saying that I need to stop all these classes and "stop carrying her around everywhere like a handbag" and is saying that this is the reason she has become ill. I have been really emotional over the fact she's in hospital and him guilt tripping me is just sending me over the edge. Have I been taking the baby out too much? I thought it is normal for babies to get coughs and colds and it builds up their immune system.

Tell him he's right. You're no good at this SAHM thing so you're going back to work asap and he can either give up work and stay home or you'll both have to start looking at nurseries.

He's being a total arse. Babies get colds, and sometimes colds develop into bronchiolitis. My friend has twins. She did exactly the same groups/classes with both of them as babies and took them to the same places - they both picked up the same bugs, most of the time, but one of them has had a cold turn into serious bronchiolitis requiring hospitalisation while the other was just a bit snotty. It's just the way things pan out - every baby's immune system is different, and they all need to have their immunity built up through exposure.

I hope your little one is on the mend now. Please don't take your husband's words to heart!

Wow what an absolute twat!
I've been where you are, my son was older (11 months old) and he basically caught a bug, got unlucky, and was in hospital for a month.
It is a horrendous position to be in, so I cannot fathom how I would have felt of my husband had said anything like this to me. I am sure you are already feeling worried, sad, upset etc, why on earth would the man who's supposed to love you even think this, let alone say it to you out loud!

It’s not your fault!

Yes, it’s worrying but you can’t hide from the germs! Immunity needs building up :)

What a shitty comment. I hope he apologises really quickly. Quite the misogynist isn't he? 'like a handbag' is very telling. Are those his own words, or has someone else put that phrase into his head?

How does he know that he didn't bring the virus home to his baby?

What an absolute wanker.

Your husband is upset and stressed and taking it out on you. It’s ok for him it be upset and angry but it’s not ok to direct this at you.

I think you need to have a talk and explain that it’s normal and very unfortunate that your DC is ill. You haven’t done anything wrong, it’s very normal to get out once a day with a young baby.

@aquarius100 no they mean the first person who your husband is a bastard

Oh course it’s not your fault.

You don’t need to take a baby out every day but it won’t harm them if you do.

Your DH is upset and scared and lashing out which is common but completely unfair when it’s not your fault and you are just as worried as he is.

Concentrate on your baby now and then once she’s better then talk to him about his comment and decide if you can ever forgive it or not.

RSV is a virus and most babies/toddlers get a dose of it at some point in winter. My then 10 day old baby caught it and ended up in intensive care being ventilated and tube fed. Had DH said anything to me like that? He'd be fucking dead.

If it's a one off and he's stressed/worried, I'd perhaps forgive him... eventually. If it's a general pattern of behaviour, I'd kick his arse out the door. And lock it behind him.

Definitely not your fault op, babies need fresh air, going to classes is good for your own mental health as it gets you out the house and interacting with other adults as well as building social skills as baby gets older. I used to have to put my older son in his buggy for a stroll round the street at daft o’clock to get him to fall asleep just so I could get a sleep for an hour or 2 or he would be up ALL night

It sounds like he is upset. Stress like this can bring out the worse in people and men tend to try and ‘solve’ things and appropriate blame.

Please take care of each other and I hope your little one recovers soon

Mine spent hours outside back in the 70s. Babies were routinely put outside for fresh air, only time they weren't outside was when it was foggy.

You poor thing. I hope she gets better quickly. I was out with my son every single day after the first month, once I had the confidence. Some weeks we did a class or group every day. We went for long walks, coffees with friends etc. if he got poorly, I never thought it was my fault. We just stayed home and cosy until he was better. We’re just lucky that so far (touch wood) he’s not needed hospital care for his illnesses. Being out and around other children helps build up their immune systems so that hopefully they’re not hit as hard when they start nursery!

That's a really horrible thing to say - is he always so nasty or is he lashing out with stress?

I always took mine out loads and if it's the second DC or more you can't put your life on hold and keep a baby with a cold indoors.

Totally not your fault.

@somuchtolearnabout eloquently put!

OP, please take notice of the strength of reaction here - when 100% of MN's agree, you know there's truth in it. I'm especially worried about his day to day behaviour towards you, as (like others have also said) I would be very surprised if this cuntish behaviour was an isolated incident

Perfect and succinct. I wouldn't have been so kind.

Bronchiolitis is caused by a virus not going outside. Does your prat of a husband intend to isolate your child until age 18?

There are a few of these comments on the thread and they’re enraging. “Maybe he’s anxious! Maybe he’s stressed!” Who gives a shit, frankly: OP is anxious and stressed about the baby too, she’s not blaming her husband or making accusations or throwing around shit like the handbag remark.

It’s not a men thing; it’s a this man thing. Stop excusing him.

Listen up, this is not your fault , you are concentrating on the sly negative replies instead of those who are saying your husband is an utter bastard which he is. I'm sorry op you are not getting the support from him you desperately need. Listen fo the wise mums on here , your doing fine x

This. With bells on. Hope your baby gets better soon OP

Yup. Nothing else needed. Tell him to FUCK OFF.

I carry my baby around far more than I carry a handbag. Thats how you look after them.

Seriously, he’s a dick. Unless he’s being a total dick because he’s panicked about your baby being ill, I’d start thinking about an eventual split and sole parenting

Yep.

Op it’s not your fault. Does your husband always blame you when bad things happen?

Has he not stepped outside the door since your little one was born just in case he brought germs into the house?

Hope DD gets better soon

What the hell does he think other parents do with their babies, just sit in the house all day every day and never see anyone?

I don't normally like to jump to abuse accusations but his comments made me feel very uneasy... is he normally like this? It sounds to me like one of two things: either he's normally fine but seeing his baby ill has set triggered extreme anxiety and he's just lashing out. In which case hopefully he'll see sense when he calms down a bit and baby is feeling better. (Not that it wasn't out of order for him to say it, and obviously completely untrue). On the other hand, if he's actually serious and genuinely thinks you shouldn't be going out and about with the baby then that's a massive red flag. Trying to confine you to the house, and using your baby's health as emotional blackmail to make sure you only do activities he approves of.