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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask SS to leave

259 replies

fisher7 · 29/11/2022 22:41

I feel awful writing this but I'm at a loss on what to do next

18yo SS lives with me full time, his mum passed away 9 years ago and my DH passed away during the first lockdown which hit us all hard. He had the choice of going and living with his aunt (mums sister) but he declined as he wanted to stay with me and she lived quite far away.

He attended counselling for a while but then stopped as he said it wasn't helping, he did go back to his old self eventually and seemed to have been coping fine.

Before he turned 18, he'd only drank once with his friends which was at 17 about 6 months before his 18th. Since he's turned 18, he goes out and drinks almost everyday, he's even smoked weed a few times. He spends most of his day on his Xbox, he doesn't help around the house with tidying etc.

Earlier, he was out and me and the other rest of us ate dinner, one of the DC’s washed up as it's their turn he got back and ate his dinner and then left his plate on the side. I asked him to wash it up, he said no and told me to do it, I told him he's an adult now etc which led to him shouting that I'm not his mum so I can't tell him what to do, he hates me, wishes I died and not his dad etc. DS(13) then came down and told him to leave me alone, SS then started shouting at him that he can't tell him what to do either and pushed him and went to his room.

DS is fine but has said he doesn't want to go to his dads tomorrow and leave me with SS. I have been to speak to SS and he's apologised and I've asked if he'll speak to me properly tomorrow when the other children are at school but he's refused and told me to leave him alone.

I know I probably am, but will I BU to ask him to leave and stay somewhere else?

OP posts:
ConnieTucker · 29/11/2022 22:43

Yanbu. Send him to his aunts.

determinedtomakethiswork · 29/11/2022 22:44

That poor boy though. Maybe it would be good for him to have a break at his aunt's house and let everything cool down a bit.

notdaddycool · 29/11/2022 22:47

Maybe aunt over Christmas and try and come back in January with the intention of completing schooling.

snowday888 · 29/11/2022 22:47

Yanbu how long has this being going on for?
What ground rules does he have for staying in the house? He's 18 and wants to be treated as an adult so set clear expectations and 3 strikes then he is out. Sounds like he is going to contine unless you call his bluff.

Hapoydayz · 29/11/2022 22:47

Poor boy, what unimaginable pain he is going through.

Blondlashes · 29/11/2022 22:48

It’s time to have a proper conversation- in a neutral location.
Explain that you want to meet to talk and when.
At the Meeting tell him that you love him and want the best for him
Your expectations for his help at home
Ask him about his plans for the future
Agree a plan together.
Give him a chance to show you he can do what he promises.
I would say he needs to at least explore the Councelling a bit more
Is he in school? College? What are his plans for the future.
Where is the money for alcohol coming from?
Help him to plan for his future

olympicsrock · 29/11/2022 22:49

He’s clearly struggling with the loss of both parents. Do you love him? Are YOU struggling with bereavement and just need a break or do you actually just want him out of your life for ever. If you push him away now he may not come back to you.

If you love him and just need a break make sure you let him know that you have not given up on him.

snowday888 · 29/11/2022 22:49

Yes he is grieving but needs boundaries too.

LongStoryShorty · 29/11/2022 22:51

Is he not studying or anything? He should either work or study, then he would soon move on anyways.

if I died, I would wish that my partner would help the children on the right path. Is he related to your children? Even if they aren’t, they will probably have a bond for having lived together for year and if he’s smoking weed, he could move onto other drugs as well and introduce those to your children too as they grow older. Even if you tell him to go he may maintain that relationship with them and introduce bad habits to them. So as your children’s sibling I would find it important to get him onto the right path - whatever that is for him; counselling, work, studying…

TheSnugglyDuckling · 29/11/2022 22:52

I’m so sorry, this sounds so hard. From what I understand he’s not biologically related to your DS right?

if possible, it would be very kind of you to let him stay a bit longer. But I think the way to approach it is to “book” a time/day you’re both happy with and available, go out for lunch or coffee and have a discussion about what you both expect from each other. Try and almost approach it like a work meeting and schedule in another for 2 weeks time so you can check in with each other and see how things are going. As part of the meeting lay out some simple and clear rules/tasks he needs to achieve going forward (short term and long term) so you both know where you stand. E.g. he does the dishwasher Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays so if leaves his plate on the side on a Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday or Sunday don’t mention it. I’d start small with just a couple of tasks/rules and see if he can stick to them. If he can you can add a few more at the next “check in”. But also these check ins can be a chance for you to talk about other things - worries, what’s bothering you etc in a very calm, objective atmosphere.

one technique I came across recently to help when discussing a heated topic is to impart info in bitsize chunks and get the other person to repeat it back to you so you can both be sure they have understood correctly. And then vice versa.

this is all just a suggestion obviously but it might achieve the two things you both need - for him to feel like he has someone who cares about him and some structure and for you to have clear expectations and some kind of objectives to hold him to.

Is he in education or does he have a job? And more importantly is he in therapy? If you can’t afford it for him it might be worth contacting some bereavement charities to see if they can offer some.

At the end of the day he probably has huge abandonment issues as well as dealing with grief and fear for the future. But of course living with an adult man who is not your flesh and blood is no easy task.

poefaced · 29/11/2022 22:55

To ask SS to leave

Yanbu. You are a single mother / widow with other kids, and he is a growing man and given his aggressive behaviour, you are vulnerable here, as are your dc.

This behaviour will just get worse. He needs to go to his aunt.

DelphiniumBlue · 29/11/2022 22:55

Poor kid. If you can manage with the other DC, it would be the kindest thing to let him stay. You're the only home he knows. If he wasn't a stepson but your own child, you'd probably overlook this bad behaviour. It must be very hard on you to cope with all this whilst still grieving DH, but if you can provide stability for this lad ,you would be doing a great thing.
TBH, a bit of weed , playing XBox all day is sadly not unusual for his age group. Drinking daily isn't great, maybe that's something you can work on. He's testing boundaries, he's probably terrified that you'll chuck him out and pretending he is hard enough not to care. He's lost both his parents, and must be very unhappy and scared inside.
I've found stroppy teenagers are best left to themselves for a bit.. you've said he's already apologised, and that's the most you can ask tonight. He'll probably be more open to discussion tomorrow. Maybe Aunt can offer to have him for the weekend, more to spend a bit of 1:1 time with him rather than as a punishment, and let things cool down a bit.
Do you have any support from anyone else, both for him and yourself?

custardbear · 29/11/2022 22:56

He's damaged and needs support, not necessarily from you.
Does he have part of the house you're in after his dad died? Because you can't chuck him out if it's part his house?

Passionatelycurious · 29/11/2022 22:56

Is joint counselling for you both an option. Maybe a 6 month plan where you both agree on what needs to happen in those 6 months of which counselling is part of the expectation.

DuchessDandelion · 29/11/2022 23:05

Please don't, let him stay. Yes boundaries needed as others said, but he's not coping at the moment and he needs you more than ever

arthurfonzerelli · 29/11/2022 23:06

Oh that poor boy.

He's 18 and he's lost both parents.

I can't imagine how hard that must be.

How long have you been in his life?

I get the impression he is testing you (whether consciously or subconsciously). If you push him away I think it will cause the poor boy a lot of damage.

Not that I don't sympathise with you. I do, I absolutely do.

But could you try again to speak to him and frame it as "what are WE going to do here?" He must feel so alone and is probably acutely aware that you don't have his back the way you do your biological kids.

I hope there's some way you can get through to him.

OverTheRubicon · 29/11/2022 23:09

There's a lot of sympathy here for the SS - who has clearly had a very bad run - but there are multiple other children in the house, and it's extremely hard on them to be left alone with one person caring for so many others, and with a difficult 18 year old. I also think it's really unacceptable for an 18 year old to push a 13 year old who is sticking up for his mum. You wouldn't let an unrelated adult man push you around in your own home, it shouldn't have to happen to your son either.

Personally I'd either ask that he stays with his aunt, or if you do have a deep relationship under all this, stay but with clear guidelines including education or work (and rent contribution) and no physical altercations or wishing people dead.

SirenSays · 29/11/2022 23:12

I can't imagine how hard it must be to turn 18 without his parents. Don't be too hard on him

CurlyhairedAssassin · 29/11/2022 23:13

I can’t even begin to imagine how he must be feeling after losing both parents so young. He is only 18. Still a teenager, not finished fully maturing emotionally. Imagine if this was your own son clearly feeling so lost and traumatised. That 9 year old inside him probably never recovered from losing his mum and to rub salt in that open wound he then lost his other parent too.

I get that you are also grieving and that things are strained. But he is your DH’s flesh and blood, part of the man you loved. And you’re the closest thing he has to a living parent. He CHOSE you over his aunt. That speaks volumes about how he views your home as his own. It would break him being asked to leave it.

i imagine that your comment “you’re an adult now” stings because inside he must still feel like the bereaved child. he must have so many conflicting emotions. I bet inside he just wants to feel looked after and wrapped up in a big hug, but he is on the cusp of adulthood and having to fend for himself in life with no living parents to help or advise. It must be TERRIFYING.

Could you organise family counselling? So that you could all find a way to move forward together ?

I really feel for you. But this sounds like a boy who is still lost and flailing around for a way forward.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 29/11/2022 23:18

Having said all that, you absolutely just make it clear to him that you will not tolerate any physical pushing of any member of the household in particular the younger members. He should apologise but he won’t do that while he is feeling so angry so let him calm down first and come to his own conclusions thst it was wrong

Louloubelles · 29/11/2022 23:23

The pain he must be going through is immense. He needs support and stability. Try to stick by him.

DuchessDandelion · 29/11/2022 23:30

I have a few friends who were orphaned by their teens. The impact on them has been - and continues to be - enormous.

Its fair to say they've been left carrying around a burden of anger, in addition to the pain, and they had to learn to cope with that.

When you go through a painful bereavement, future bereavements act as a trigger and its like living through both as new at the same time.

I'm so deeply sorry for what you've been through and for losing your husband. I can't imagine how difficult things must get for you. But please, stand by him and help guide him through. He's not an adult yet, he's a lost, frightened, hurting boy...And I agree with pp that if you reject him, the damage to him will be immense and unrectifiable.

There are a number of charities that help children and young people deal with bereavement and I'm sure they'll be able to help. Please reach out to them - Cruse and Jigsaw are two.

Flowers
Soakitup37 · 29/11/2022 23:45

He’s your DHs son, you married him, you take the family they come with that doesn’t stop because your Dh died. (Which Is awful for everyone involved).

would you like it if the tables were turned and your DS was kicked out without any grounding at all? How would your husband feel to know you’ve done that. His behaviour isn’t beyond the reach of any “normal” teen his age. Opening up a dialogue would be much more constructive than just kicking him out. Id be reaching out for support for you all, counselling again - often takes a few goes to find counselling you gel with.

id imagine his outbursts are pent up upset anger and confusion. Adding being kicked out to that could well set him off on a life long path of no return. Imo you are being unreasonable mostly because it seems like you’ve jumped to this “solution” far sooner than exploring how to fix the problems going on and I would suspect the solution wouldn’t be to kick anyone out if it was your own “d” son.

PutinSmellsPassItOn · 29/11/2022 23:47

I can see where you're coming from but it seems like such a knee jerk reaction towards someone who's traumatised like he is.......right now you're his safe person, so he's lashing out at you.

In your position I'd insist he gets help as things can't carry on, but I feel threatening to kick him out of his home over a storm in a teacup (( let's face it he had a rant over washing up and pushed someone out the way, he wasn't wielding knives and screaming for hours )) when he's got good reason to be struggling mentally is so wrong.

Annabelle3 · 29/11/2022 23:48

YANBU He has no relationship to you. You are not with his dad anymore. It would be different if he was respectful but he is drinking everyday and abusing you. You have to think about your actual son, who is still a child and needs a stable home. I would be asking him to leave. Today.