To ask SS to leave

[fisher7]

I feel awful writing this but I'm at a loss on what to do next

18yo SS lives with me full time, his mum passed away 9 years ago and my DH passed away during the first lockdown which hit us all hard. He had the choice of going and living with his aunt (mums sister) but he declined as he wanted to stay with me and she lived quite far away.

He attended counselling for a while but then stopped as he said it wasn't helping, he did go back to his old self eventually and seemed to have been coping fine.

Before he turned 18, he'd only drank once with his friends which was at 17 about 6 months before his 18th. Since he's turned 18, he goes out and drinks almost everyday, he's even smoked weed a few times. He spends most of his day on his Xbox, he doesn't help around the house with tidying etc.

Earlier, he was out and me and the other rest of us ate dinner, one of the DC’s washed up as it's their turn he got back and ate his dinner and then left his plate on the side. I asked him to wash it up, he said no and told me to do it, I told him he's an adult now etc which led to him shouting that I'm not his mum so I can't tell him what to do, he hates me, wishes I died and not his dad etc. DS(13) then came down and told him to leave me alone, SS then started shouting at him that he can't tell him what to do either and pushed him and went to his room.

DS is fine but has said he doesn't want to go to his dads tomorrow and leave me with SS. I have been to speak to SS and he's apologised and I've asked if he'll speak to me properly tomorrow when the other children are at school but he's refused and told me to leave him alone.

I know I probably am, but will I BU to ask him to leave and stay somewhere else?

This, is the most stupidest post out. Being in it for the long haul means while she is with his father. From OP's post, his mother died 9 years ago, so he hasn't relied on her from '6/7'. And "WITHOUT ANY LIVING PARENTS"? Oh so over-dramatic, give over! Many have much, much worse happen to us. We don't abuse the person who took us in. OP needs to be a grown up and put her vulnerable child first, not the abusive brat of an adult who needs to grow up himself.

That you can't see it, says so much.

If not being a handmaiden and saying a woman doesn't have to put up with abuse from someone not related to her, especially when she has her own vulnerable child at home who needs a stable household makes me a 'cold fish', I am gladly and proudly one. At least I am considering the needs of OP's child, which is something not of you have done. And, I'm not a weak and gullible pushover.

What are you going on about handmaiden for? Did you even watch that series? Handmaidens have nothing in common with this thread?

Expecting a woman (and her child) to put up with abuse by a man not related to her is very much what handmaids are expected to do.

I also reiterate that none of you have stopped to consider the needs of her child.

My big concern is that he is unfairly directing his anger at you and your children He pushed your ds ! What if next time he hits him?
You have to protect yourself and your kids

Even if you let him stay under conditions, such as helping to clean and attending therapy,
he will most likely slip back into his bad habits because he seems to be depressed ..

I think its best to ask him to stay with his aunt but you should still maintain contact with him,
He needs a wake up call or he's going to turn into a lazy, abusive entitled man who will use his grief as an excuse to hurt others.

My big concern is that he is unfairly directing his anger at you and your children He pushed your ds ! What if next time he hits him?

Yes, this exactly. She needs to protect her own DC.

You want to make a traumatised 18 year old orphan homeless because they are behaving like many teenagers before them?

I bet you wouldn't be thinking of kicking him out if your DH were alive, or if it were your own biological child. Your DH would probably be turning in his grave if he knew you were thinking of this.

YWBVU to kick him out.

By drawing attention to the misogynistic attitudes on this thread, I am helping. What are you doing to help?

@Annabelle3 well don't you sound nice
What if OP dh left his share of the house to his dc? Also Op has been around her ss for 12 years not 12 months
Yes have boundaries etc but kids will push them
18 is barely an adult and lots of learning still to be done
A break at the aunties my be needed and discussion but not just kicked to the kerb

I think he probably needs a bit of tough love.

My first step would be family counselling and a meeting where some clear ground rules are laid out--he needs to be in work, education and training every day, and he needs to stay away from drugs and alcohol and behave responsibly in the home.

If he can't agree with this and stick to the plan with a reasonable degree of success, he needs to leave (which does not necessarily mean cutting off all support--you can provide him with support with getting himself set up)

I get that he's been through a lot, but he's a young man now. Coddling and weeping over the poor little orphan isn't going to do him any good--he'll get out of this rut faster if he spends his days doing something constructive and has some proper demands made of him.

If you kick him out now with no support in place there's a good chance his life will even further worsen. He's traumatised, have you researched counselling , looked at getting him MH support ? If you get everything into place and he's still being violent /difficult then yes of course look at alternative arrangements. Your DH died and you loved your DH you have known SS since the age of 6/7 , to honour your DH please get him some help. Imagine if it your was DC who were left orphaned? You would want someone to step in and assist.

His behaviour is pretty typical of teenagers / early 20s. Not nice, but typical. However given the losses he has experienced and his grief, I think he needs to be handled with kid gloves and given more leeway. I understand that you too are grieving for your DH and the situation must be very difficult for you, but please if you can, don't ask him to leave. He needs to know he is loved, wanted and part of your family. I imagine he is suffering. Wishing you all the best xx

I bet you wouldn't be thinking of kicking him out if your DH were alive, or if it were your own biological child. Your DH would probably be turning in his grave if he knew you were thinking of this.

Actually, my first thought is that if Dad were alive, he'd probably be setting some hard boundaries out now, not letting his son drift through life hiding in his room and smoking week.

If he's depressed and in a bad way, first port of call is that he needs to be spending his days DOING something. He needs to be spending his days studying, learning a trade or at work. He sounds like he needs a boot in the bum for his own good, not nonstop drooling sympathy and verbal cuddles.

My mum was thrown out at 15 by her SD in the late 1970s after her DM died she had to go into care then lived with nuns her bio dad wasn't in the picture . She lived with her SD since the age of 3!! It's thrown her life into trauma , I fully believe if she was helped through her grief in her formative years it would have made such a difference.

Coddling and weeping over the poor little orphan isn't going to do him any good

I can barely believe what I'm reading here tonight.

OP, I hope you know the right thing to do. There are many intelligent, compassionate posters here giving good advice. Good luck helping your SS to better days. He needs you, don't abandon him.

I hope if you ever find yourself in a crisis, you are treated with the same kindness that you have demonstrated here.

Yeah I'm baffled at the level of vitirol here.

I hope also you would be treated with the same kindness you demonstrate towards the OP and her vulnerable son.

Where have I done this? You've responded to the first post I made here. I have yet to make reference to the OP.