To ask SS to leave

[fisher7]

I feel awful writing this but I'm at a loss on what to do next

18yo SS lives with me full time, his mum passed away 9 years ago and my DH passed away during the first lockdown which hit us all hard. He had the choice of going and living with his aunt (mums sister) but he declined as he wanted to stay with me and she lived quite far away.

He attended counselling for a while but then stopped as he said it wasn't helping, he did go back to his old self eventually and seemed to have been coping fine.

Before he turned 18, he'd only drank once with his friends which was at 17 about 6 months before his 18th. Since he's turned 18, he goes out and drinks almost everyday, he's even smoked weed a few times. He spends most of his day on his Xbox, he doesn't help around the house with tidying etc.

Earlier, he was out and me and the other rest of us ate dinner, one of the DC’s washed up as it's their turn he got back and ate his dinner and then left his plate on the side. I asked him to wash it up, he said no and told me to do it, I told him he's an adult now etc which led to him shouting that I'm not his mum so I can't tell him what to do, he hates me, wishes I died and not his dad etc. DS(13) then came down and told him to leave me alone, SS then started shouting at him that he can't tell him what to do either and pushed him and went to his room.

DS is fine but has said he doesn't want to go to his dads tomorrow and leave me with SS. I have been to speak to SS and he's apologised and I've asked if he'll speak to me properly tomorrow when the other children are at school but he's refused and told me to leave him alone.

I know I probably am, but will I BU to ask him to leave and stay somewhere else?

Well said. I find this thread truly depressing, not just the enabling of abuse of a woman and her child, but the callous indifference towards them. 3 people here. And some posters care more for 33% instead of the other two thirds. The two who are the most vulnerable. The internalised misogyny and the enabling of abuse is just depressing. They cannot truly think they are right? They just can't.

I have yet to make reference to the OP.

That, is the point I'm making. No care or concern for OP who is vulnerable and her own vulnerable son. Just have a think about it.

And some posters care more for 33% instead of the other two thirds. The two who are the most vulnerable

Give me a laugh and explain how the SS is the least vulnerable in this situation?

So he's acting up which isn't surprising considering what he's been through, but it doesn't condone his behaviour.

He needs help & you are the only parent he has left.
Like pps say he's terrified you'll be leaving him too, so he's acting up/pushing boundaries to test you.

Kids on the day they reach 18 might legally be adults but emotionally they're still kids their brain is still growing.
Teenagers (this also includes even the most well behaved & thoughtful ones who haven't been through any trauma at all) are like tantrumming/whinging/crying toddlers on acid complete PITAs at times.

He's lost both flesh & blood parents & you are the only parent he has left.
He might not be your flesh & blood but he's been with you since a young age so sees you as his Mum, well you are his Mum.
Plus throw in the pandemic too, well I'm actually quite surprised that he's not worse.
Living through Covid & lockdown has hit us all hard but it's the younger generation that's suffered the most damage to their mental health because of it.

I can understand how it's hard for you too, however if this was your own flesh & blood son this was happening to, you wouldn't just give up at the first hurdle.

I think you should sit down with him & have a good talk. Tell him that you love him (well I hope you do) & that you want to help him feel better & look forward to life. Tell him that although you know he's lashing out because he's in unhappy & he's lost his way, it's not fair to any of you.
He's using the drink/weed/Xbox to self medicate & stop feeling things.

I think he needs to see a Dr due to the state of his mental health.

@Blondlashes & @olympicsrock both give excellent advice & I would follow it, if I was in your situation.

I do hope things get better for you all.

You need someone to explain to you how a grown adult male is more vulnerable than a female, and a 13 year old child?

You're not serious, are you? You can't be!

Hint: ones a grown man. The other two; are a woman, and a child.

You're speculating.
Pleass prove with my own words where I showed lack of care or concern for the OP and her stepson.

Until then, I'd appreciate if you wouldn't put words in my mouth, so to speak.

Likewise. Don't put words into my mouth. Perhaps reply to the OP and address her concerns, instead of replying only to me.

How is a grown man more vulnerable that a grown woman?

I'm thinking you are (deeply) guilty of misogyny there!

less vulnerable*

I didn't put words in your mouth. I just noted on your lack of kindness.

I'll also post as I please. You're not a a mod here.

But I'll stop responding to you as you wish. Not worth it.

The clue is the grown man is not more vulnerable than a woman. That's the point, which is where your misogyny is on display. You disregard the needs of the woman, for a grown man.

I just noted on your lack of kindness.

I have displayed kindness for the OP, and her child. Which is far more than you have done.

Where is YOUR kindness for the vulnerable OP and her vulnerable son? Have a look at your own hypocrisy, when you've displayed zero kindness, at least I have displayed kindness, you've displayed zero. I'm still way ahead of you.

I have displayed kindness, you've displayed zero. I'm still way ahead of you.

No. You haven't.

You have displayed a lot of things, but not kindness

I apologize for ever interacting with you. I should have just kept my thoughts to myself.

Thank you❤

Yes, you should have. Maybe now you could interact with the OP instead. Or is offering kindness to her too much trouble for you?

What's wrong with you? I was perfectly civil.
Work on your anger issues instead of taking it out on internet strangers.

Jesus.

Hey, your thoughts are worth something. Live and learn and wake up tomorrow to do it all again. ❤

Thanks so much. ❤
I tried to be kind in the end and I'm STILL getting dragged, lol.

You came on here, didn't reply to the OP and tried to pick a fight with me. Without even addressing the OP first. You get what you give. Maybe offer some kind words to the OP, which is what this thread is about, and stop looking to take your own issues out on strangers.

Ok. 👍🏾

I agree with this. 18 or not, he’s not your responsibility ultimately and is an adult. If he was respectful then fair enough, but compromising the safety of your household and worrying your other children, it’s not unreasonable to ask him to leave. You aren’t morally chained to him for life.

There is no misogyny on this thread.

I don't think you give two hoots about the OP, frankly. You are using the OP's thread to shout down women and accuse them of enabling abuse. That is an appalling and ludicrous position.

You have absolutely nothing useful to say, and yet no doubt you'll be here all night, yelling at people. 🙄

I've been a confrontational arsehole on this thread (and there is definitely some projection going on 😂), but you, on the other hand have not. Don't get dragged down by the goady posters and stand up for what you think is right (why the hell shouldn't you?), it won't take you far wrong that's for sure!

(that was my grans favourite saying - doing right , won't take you far wrong!)