To ask SS to leave

[fisher7]

I feel awful writing this but I'm at a loss on what to do next

18yo SS lives with me full time, his mum passed away 9 years ago and my DH passed away during the first lockdown which hit us all hard. He had the choice of going and living with his aunt (mums sister) but he declined as he wanted to stay with me and she lived quite far away.

He attended counselling for a while but then stopped as he said it wasn't helping, he did go back to his old self eventually and seemed to have been coping fine.

Before he turned 18, he'd only drank once with his friends which was at 17 about 6 months before his 18th. Since he's turned 18, he goes out and drinks almost everyday, he's even smoked weed a few times. He spends most of his day on his Xbox, he doesn't help around the house with tidying etc.

Earlier, he was out and me and the other rest of us ate dinner, one of the DC’s washed up as it's their turn he got back and ate his dinner and then left his plate on the side. I asked him to wash it up, he said no and told me to do it, I told him he's an adult now etc which led to him shouting that I'm not his mum so I can't tell him what to do, he hates me, wishes I died and not his dad etc. DS(13) then came down and told him to leave me alone, SS then started shouting at him that he can't tell him what to do either and pushed him and went to his room.

DS is fine but has said he doesn't want to go to his dads tomorrow and leave me with SS. I have been to speak to SS and he's apologised and I've asked if he'll speak to me properly tomorrow when the other children are at school but he's refused and told me to leave him alone.

I know I probably am, but will I BU to ask him to leave and stay somewhere else?

The pain he has to go through is immense. He needs support and stability. let him stay with him.

do not be a martyr for someone else's child who is now an adult

He's been living with her since his Mum died when he was 9 years old. Hardly a stranger in her house!

God forbid you should ever have a stepchild @Annabelle3 under any difficult circumstances.

Sorry for asking, but the house where you all live together. whose house is it? Did his dad leave him something in the will or his mum?

I was just wondering if he has enough assets to live on his own.

He lost both his parents as a child? It’s not surprising that trauma is showing up as a young adult.

You are grieving too, but I think focusing on chores and boundaries takes you away from the real issues if you really do love him and have been there most of his life. Do you talk to him about his grief? Has he had any counselling? Why did you originally suggest he move away after the death of his father? A lot can go very wrong for him.

@MrsDoyle351 I never said he was a stranger. But he is not her son. She has a child, and that child was too afraid to leave his mum alone with him.

Would he go to family therapy?
He needs stability so so much at this point, but you can have boundaries around it..
I would word it as you really would like to be there for him but you need him to go to college etc setting expectations with each other.

I would be asking him why his behaviour has suddenly changed. Has something happened? How awful to be 18 and live in a world without feeling unconditional love.
Sorry for your loss

Please don't ask him to leave; my heart is breaking for him.

What biased posts - surely the OP has lost her partner in life and her son has lost his father but boo hoo only the drug taking, drinking, violent SS needs sympathy and support.

Perhaps ask him to attend some family counselling and Individual counselling, all that he is spending on drink and drugs would finance that. I would warn him that he can't continue with this behaviour without attempting to repair things.

I agree. Are you able to give him his share of his inheritance from his dad so at at least as he has somewhere to go.

Or did his dad leave everything to you and your kids and effectively left him homeless and penniless.

Poor kid.

All those saying kick him out should be ashamed. This could happen to your kids if you died prematurely.

This

Oh give over! He has an aunt who is willing to take him in, and he's an adult, he won't be homeless and with all the drink he buys every day he's certainly not penniless so can we stop with all the hyperbole?

I think people who advocate that the OP and her 13 year old son stay in an unsafe situation are the ones who should be ashamed.

@Snnowflake Yes the fact that this man is aggressive is escaping people, they are picturing a kid, not an adult. And they seem to have no sympathy or compassion at all for the OP or her 13 year old DC. Only the aggressor. It's so effed up. It's the exact opposite of what Mumsnet is supposed to be about, supporting women and vulnerable children.

Stop being idiotic. Read the posts. There's plenty of support for OP (and her son) but there is also a bereaved young person almost no support. This is his family home from the age of 9.

It's a very sad situation all round - an 18 yo isn't really an adult either, in the sense that they don't assume all adult responsibilities on the stroke of midnight of their birthday.

A PP raises a good point OP - what's the provision made by his DF for him?

There's a fine balance of helping someone to grieve but also expecting them to adhere to household rules and behaviour. A sensible conversation in a neutral environment is probably needed first before booting him out. Make it an expectation that he is to attend college/or get a job/help around the house/not shout at family/not get physical with family/go to counselling. You can come at this from a non-judgmental and caring way but it's is also your home and the home of your other children and he can't continue to behave this way. If he refuses, I'd be asking him to leave and see if his aunt would have him (but make it clear you're always there should he want to come back, but live under your household rules).

This may not be relevant to you if it's not available in your area,but thought I'd share just in case it helps you or anyone else who's been bereaved and struggling.
I managed to access therapy for all of us individually,with the option of group family therapy too...within weeks and free of charge when we lost 3 close family members in a week last year .One of whom was my children's Dad.
I found a section on the council website where they list bin collection,council tax etc etc ......and then bereavement services ! Phoned up and they 'triaged' and sign posted me to the relevant organisation.As I'd gone through the council ,it was free.

I had no idea such services existed via the council and was surprised how quickly it was arranged for all of us and also the flexibility as the counsellor also then went into the children's school.
It was a huge help ,so worth giving it a try.
So sorry for your loss 💐

I would say that a blow out like this is fairly normal late teen behaviour. Any violence is completely unacceptable, but a push is not out of the ordinary imo, and neither is a failure to tidy up - I would say this is normal behaviour for any late teen let alone for someone in his position. If you suggest he leaves you are going to add another layer of hurt to a already devastated young man.
To my mind, it is the weed and the going out drinking that are the problem. He is mixing with people who aren’t good for him and is probably developing coping strategies from substance abuse. He has to get on with his life. What about an apprenticeship at college? Something where he can be in work, contribute to the house and have something different in his life. My wayward gamer son changed completely when he started a cheffing apprenticeship. At 18 he needs to understand that you aren’t a free ride and he needs to look to his future.

My own DS behaved like this at that age. It was a stage. He was lovely at 23.
He ran away when I read the riot act. I didn't know where he was for 6 months.
He too had been through tragedy and it was all coming out.
I'd tell him that you are thinking of sending him to his aunts. That you love him but this behaviour is not acceptable.

Sorry if I've missed it but how long ago did he turn 18? It must be incredibly hard to celebrate such a big milestone without either of your parents.

I don't think you should chuck him out.

OP, no idea if you're still reading but wanted to ad my thoughts. My DSis was a bereaved child and had massive abandonment issues, which I'm sure your SS also has.

They play out as a (mostly) unconscious desire to test the boundaries of people, to see if they love her enough to stay, or find out if they too will abandon her.

PLEASE DON'T SEND HIM AWAY. It would really make the abandonment much worse.

Please try to connect to him, tell him you love him, that he always has a home with you and that you'll always be there for him. Then ask him to get his act together - back to college/apprenticeship, rules around drinking, no more drugs, helping at home, and ideally also counselling.

He's at such a vulnerable time - either he keeps it together and gets to have a decent life, or he drops off the radar and ends up unemployable, criminal, or addicted... You are the only parent-figure he has left to get him through this time, please don't walk away.

Ask him to go to his aunt's for a little while.

He needs some time to cool off and learn to appreciate how caring you have been towards him.

Such a hard situation for you 😞

Agreed.

13 yo child's welfare comes first here.

It's safer for the SS to have some time to cool off and reflect.

Not being made to move out for good but a decent amount of time would hopefully help give some perspective.

Again I still think it's an awful situation for all involved and a really hard decision to make.

I'd talk to his aunt and see if shes open to having him for a fixed amount. Explain that he doesn't seem happy with you, as you're not blood related e.g. his mother.

No, your heart is not breaking, stop being dramatic 🙄