To ask SS to leave

[fisher7]

I feel awful writing this but I'm at a loss on what to do next

18yo SS lives with me full time, his mum passed away 9 years ago and my DH passed away during the first lockdown which hit us all hard. He had the choice of going and living with his aunt (mums sister) but he declined as he wanted to stay with me and she lived quite far away.

He attended counselling for a while but then stopped as he said it wasn't helping, he did go back to his old self eventually and seemed to have been coping fine.

Before he turned 18, he'd only drank once with his friends which was at 17 about 6 months before his 18th. Since he's turned 18, he goes out and drinks almost everyday, he's even smoked weed a few times. He spends most of his day on his Xbox, he doesn't help around the house with tidying etc.

Earlier, he was out and me and the other rest of us ate dinner, one of the DC’s washed up as it's their turn he got back and ate his dinner and then left his plate on the side. I asked him to wash it up, he said no and told me to do it, I told him he's an adult now etc which led to him shouting that I'm not his mum so I can't tell him what to do, he hates me, wishes I died and not his dad etc. DS(13) then came down and told him to leave me alone, SS then started shouting at him that he can't tell him what to do either and pushed him and went to his room.

DS is fine but has said he doesn't want to go to his dads tomorrow and leave me with SS. I have been to speak to SS and he's apologised and I've asked if he'll speak to me properly tomorrow when the other children are at school but he's refused and told me to leave him alone.

I know I probably am, but will I BU to ask him to leave and stay somewhere else?

Yanbu, I feel for the lad he must be having a hard time & losing a parent is the hardest thing in the world! He chose to stay with you rather than go to his Aunt's, which is fair enough..but at 18 yrs old he needs to realise life comes with responsibility, your house your rules & he should respect that. If he doesn't like it tell him there is no place in your home for him. If he's willing to step up & respect you & his surroundings he's more than welcome to stay

He must talk to you. You must lay down ground rules. You need to explain that if things don't change he will have to leave. It will then be his choice. He either works or attends college. He helps at home. He respects you. If he cannot adapt he needs to leave.

In the eyes of the law he may be an adult but very few people are really ‘adults’ before 25 and he’s pretty vulnerable right now.

You need to stick by him. You can certainly reach out for support for you both but don’t turf him out. Everything is raw for you both and if you can come through this together you’ll have a stronger bond. Please continue to love and care for this young man. He really needs you.

I’m so sorry for your loss.

If he asks for money, I give it to him although this isn't everyday, maybe once or twice a week. He's also mentioned tiktok which I had no idea about so I asked DD and she said you can go live with a certain amount of followers and the viewers send ‘gifts’ which is then real money so I'm not sure if he's doing that, neither does DD as she doesn't know his name on it.

I didn't give him any money yesterday but today he did go to college so I gave him money for his lunch. I was still at work when they got home so the 3 of them were home for an hour or 2 before I got home. DD told me DS and SS had an argument as SS thought DS had been in his room and taken something, DS is saying SS hit him but DD didn't see him. SS is still refusing to talk to me and when I went to ask him about them arguing he told me to leave him alone

Perhaps one question is what your late partner would have wanted. My husband, would not want any adult child of his to be shouting at/disrespecting me. Nor would he regard aggressive behaviour towards a still younger person as acceptable.

I am not minimising the anger and distress that a bereaved young person feels. But is simply not on for this to be directed towards a 13 year old and towards a women who has gone over and above the call of duty to look after him.

I do think that sometimes things have to get worse before they get better. And I don't think it's a woman's duty to put up with aggression from an 18 year old stepson any more than it's her role to stay with any abusive male.

It may be that your stepson needs to experience homelessness and separation from those with who he has a familial connection. Then he may be able to start to value you properly.

He’s testing you, he has had so much loss he believes he will lose you too so is pushing you away. Please do not let this happen! Talk to him, tell him you love him and aren’t going anywhere, and put some boundaries in place with consequences. Don’t Chuck him out, can you imagine the pain he is already in, then you reject him??! This is what he is testing, subconsciously. Shower him with love, and he will be ok xxxx

Yes consider your late partner – he would almost certainly have wanted you to teach his son a lesson via the medium of homelessness.

And you know, it’s not like being homeless would expose a vulnerable young person to all sorts of harm. Predators don’t target homeless people with drugs and other money-making schemes. Homeless people usually buck their ideas up and pull themselves up by their bootstraps. It’s pretty rare for someone to become homeless then fall into a downward spiral of depression, mental health issues, addiction, unemployment, isolation, despair.

I’m sure he would return very grateful
and it would strengthen your relationship no end. You could even tell him – this is what your parents would have wanted.

And Winter’s probably the best time to do it.

Go for it! For his Dad if no one else.