Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask SS to leave

259 replies

fisher7 · 29/11/2022 22:41

I feel awful writing this but I'm at a loss on what to do next

18yo SS lives with me full time, his mum passed away 9 years ago and my DH passed away during the first lockdown which hit us all hard. He had the choice of going and living with his aunt (mums sister) but he declined as he wanted to stay with me and she lived quite far away.

He attended counselling for a while but then stopped as he said it wasn't helping, he did go back to his old self eventually and seemed to have been coping fine.

Before he turned 18, he'd only drank once with his friends which was at 17 about 6 months before his 18th. Since he's turned 18, he goes out and drinks almost everyday, he's even smoked weed a few times. He spends most of his day on his Xbox, he doesn't help around the house with tidying etc.

Earlier, he was out and me and the other rest of us ate dinner, one of the DC’s washed up as it's their turn he got back and ate his dinner and then left his plate on the side. I asked him to wash it up, he said no and told me to do it, I told him he's an adult now etc which led to him shouting that I'm not his mum so I can't tell him what to do, he hates me, wishes I died and not his dad etc. DS(13) then came down and told him to leave me alone, SS then started shouting at him that he can't tell him what to do either and pushed him and went to his room.

DS is fine but has said he doesn't want to go to his dads tomorrow and leave me with SS. I have been to speak to SS and he's apologised and I've asked if he'll speak to me properly tomorrow when the other children are at school but he's refused and told me to leave him alone.

I know I probably am, but will I BU to ask him to leave and stay somewhere else?

OP posts:
Original poster
fisher7 · 29/11/2022 23:49

Yes, I do love him. I've been in his life since he was 6/7 and we usually do get on well. He was doing a course at college but stopped attending regularly from January so he didn't pass his course which he didn't seem too bothered about as he told me he hated it. He was going to try another course in September but he hasn't attended that either for about 2 weeks.

He's mostly been behaving like this since his birthday as that's when he started drinking (as I said in my OP he'd only drank once prior to his 18th which was his own choice) but he has been getting disrespectful lately especially about chores as during the week the DC’s take it in turns to wash up and do other things (weekends they don't as they're out at different times etc) but recently SS has started refusing to be involved and help out.

OP posts:
DuchessDandelion · 29/11/2022 23:55

18 is such a huge milestone birthday and it sounds like it's been a massive trigger for him.

Not enjoying college etc also sounds like a grief reaction. If you can get him into counselling I tgibk that would be really helpful. Also, does he have another male role model in his life? He might benefit from some paternal mentoring right now.

My instinct is that right now, he needs more parenting not less. Flowers

Spiderboy · 29/11/2022 23:55

I understand but I want to tell you to give your head a wobble. I lost a parent young. You lash out. I can’t imagine having lose 2. You made a commitment to this boy as a family and he made a conscious decision to stay with you and I think you should all pull together to make it work. He needs boundaries but battles need to be picked. 18 is a funny age regardless

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/11/2022 00:02

You have to do what’s best for yourself and your own children. If that means saying he needs to go to his aunt’s till he can behave properly in your home then do that. Everyone’s got their limit and you sound like you’ve reached yours. I’m so very sorry you’ve lost your husband, I can’t imagine what you’ve gone through 💐

Dreamsoffreedomjoyandpeace · 30/11/2022 00:03

He’s been with you since he was six. I just can’t understand how you could think of asking him to leave. You’re the most important person in his life. As the poster above said, you made a commitment.

ladydimitrescu · 30/11/2022 00:06

You're all he has. It must be awfully hard, but you're the only parent he has left. Heartbreaking for him.

FerryYaBerryLa · 30/11/2022 00:19

Annabelle3 · 29/11/2022 23:48

YANBU He has no relationship to you. You are not with his dad anymore. It would be different if he was respectful but he is drinking everyday and abusing you. You have to think about your actual son, who is still a child and needs a stable home. I would be asking him to leave. Today.

An 18-yo with no parents, who only recently lost his dad? “You are not with his dad anymore”? Really?

FerryYaBerryLa · 30/11/2022 00:21

That poor boy. There but for the grace of god go I and all that.

Annabelle3 · 30/11/2022 00:32

Oh please, soft posts are how CFers get away with it and this boy (man, actually) will think it's ok because people want you to feel sorry for him. Tough Love is needed here. I lost a parent young, I didn't turn into a rude, hateful, disrespectful brat. It's not an excuse. If anything, he should be more grateful to the OP for taking him in, not shitting on her. There is no excuse for his behaviour, it's been propelled by drinking and smoking weed and I agree with AnneLovesGilbert OP has to put her own child first and herself, she has reached her tether and he genuinely does not care at all. Send him to his aunts for the time being, at least until he sorts himself out.

Byelaws · 30/11/2022 00:35

Please be kind - I think he is testing you. He’s turned 18 and he wonders if you are going to throw him out. He feels lonely, grief stricken and isolated.

If you can hang in there, it will be worth it.

Summerfun54321 · 30/11/2022 00:37

An 18 year old who answers back and doesn’t help around the house?! Gosh I’ve never heard of such a thing!

He’s being difficult and letting off steam but most teenagers do this at some point, especially those who’ve experienced massive trauma.

Kick him out if you want to but you are the ONLY adult he has now, you‘ll break him. He’s already told you he doesn’t want to go to his aunts.

Annabelle3 · 30/11/2022 00:42

Summerfun54321 · 30/11/2022 00:37

An 18 year old who answers back and doesn’t help around the house?! Gosh I’ve never heard of such a thing!

He’s being difficult and letting off steam but most teenagers do this at some point, especially those who’ve experienced massive trauma.

Kick him out if you want to but you are the ONLY adult he has now, you‘ll break him. He’s already told you he doesn’t want to go to his aunts.

You are minimising it. He shoved her son, he drinks every day, he smokes weed, he isn't studying or working or doing anything with his life. So much more than 'answering back' and not helping around the house. It is not the responsibility of the OP to not 'break him', he is breaking her! He does have another adult, his aunt. OP is not the only adult in his life, that he chooses the easy life with OP doesn't detract from the fact that he has an aunt.
And, he is an adult himself.
When we stop guilt-tripping women into putting up with abuse and suffering for someone that isn't their child, especially when they have an actual child that needs protecting?

marvellousmaple · 30/11/2022 00:43

If that's the worst he's done then hang on to your hat when your own child turns 16/17. Hopefully you may get an "easy " teenager but a lot of us don't so just be prepared to throw your own child out. The poor sod. Does he have any other relatives beside the aunt? Someone that might be able to help out for a short while?

saraclara · 30/11/2022 00:46

Tough Love is needed here. I lost a parent young, I didn't turn into a rude, hateful, disrespectful brat. It's not an excuse

He's lost both parents @Annabelle3 And is now basically the cuckoo in the nest of someone who isn't any kind of relative.
No, an 18 year old is not going to 'be grateful' to be taken in by her. Her home is his home and had been for more than a decade.

I am only too aware that OP and her son are also bereaved. But they belong to each other and have the security that goes with that. The 18 year old turns out to be entirely justified in feeling insecure and that he doesn't belong in his own home. Because it turns out that yes, his step mum IS going to throw him out..

healthadvice123 · 30/11/2022 00:50

@Annabelle3 he is only just an adult and has lost two parents
Also how do we know that the house wasn't OP and her dh owned together, therefore his dads house too

Annabelle3 · 30/11/2022 00:51

saraclara · 30/11/2022 00:46

Tough Love is needed here. I lost a parent young, I didn't turn into a rude, hateful, disrespectful brat. It's not an excuse

He's lost both parents @Annabelle3 And is now basically the cuckoo in the nest of someone who isn't any kind of relative.
No, an 18 year old is not going to 'be grateful' to be taken in by her. Her home is his home and had been for more than a decade.

I am only too aware that OP and her son are also bereaved. But they belong to each other and have the security that goes with that. The 18 year old turns out to be entirely justified in feeling insecure and that he doesn't belong in his own home. Because it turns out that yes, his step mum IS going to throw him out..

Losing both parents isn't an excuse for his behaviour. That's what people aren't getting. It's sad but it is no excuse for that sort of behaviour!

saraclara · 30/11/2022 00:55

I'm not excusing the behaviour, I'm saying that there's a reason behind some of it. Reasons and excuses are not the same thing.

Summerfun54321 · 30/11/2022 00:58

@Annabelle3 have you ever parented a teenage boy? This poor boys behaviour sounds pretty normal to me (apart from the drinking which he clearly needs help for rather than punishment).

AliceMcK · 30/11/2022 01:00

olympicsrock · 29/11/2022 22:49

He’s clearly struggling with the loss of both parents. Do you love him? Are YOU struggling with bereavement and just need a break or do you actually just want him out of your life for ever. If you push him away now he may not come back to you.

If you love him and just need a break make sure you let him know that you have not given up on him.

Absolutely this.

If you love him and want him in your life you have to make sure you manage this the right way otherwise you risk loosing him and more importantly he looses a third parent.

I can’t offer any specific advice other than make sure you think through every scenario you can think of first before making your decision. I’m obviously including what is best for you and your other children too.

Annabelle3 · 30/11/2022 01:04

Summerfun54321 · 30/11/2022 00:58

@Annabelle3 have you ever parented a teenage boy? This poor boys behaviour sounds pretty normal to me (apart from the drinking which he clearly needs help for rather than punishment).

The difference is he is not her son, and she has an actual child that she needs to consider. As harsh as it sounds to see this said, it would be different if he was her son.

starray · 30/11/2022 01:08

CurlyhairedAssassin · 29/11/2022 23:13

I can’t even begin to imagine how he must be feeling after losing both parents so young. He is only 18. Still a teenager, not finished fully maturing emotionally. Imagine if this was your own son clearly feeling so lost and traumatised. That 9 year old inside him probably never recovered from losing his mum and to rub salt in that open wound he then lost his other parent too.

I get that you are also grieving and that things are strained. But he is your DH’s flesh and blood, part of the man you loved. And you’re the closest thing he has to a living parent. He CHOSE you over his aunt. That speaks volumes about how he views your home as his own. It would break him being asked to leave it.

i imagine that your comment “you’re an adult now” stings because inside he must still feel like the bereaved child. he must have so many conflicting emotions. I bet inside he just wants to feel looked after and wrapped up in a big hug, but he is on the cusp of adulthood and having to fend for himself in life with no living parents to help or advise. It must be TERRIFYING.

Could you organise family counselling? So that you could all find a way to move forward together ?

I really feel for you. But this sounds like a boy who is still lost and flailing around for a way forward.

This, absolutely.

Truffoiled · 30/11/2022 01:09

I feel incredibly sorry for your SS. Poor, poor kid. To be orphaned at such a young age is harrowing for him. He's struggling to process an incredible amount of hurt and pain.

I know it's hard for you OP, but YWBU to ask him to leave. He needs security, kindness and love - even when he is being very hard to love.

I really hope you find a way forward with him - as pp have said, losing a third parent and being shunted out of his home after what he's been through already would be horrific for him.

Theabsoluteshit · 30/11/2022 01:13

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Theabsoluteshit · 30/11/2022 01:16

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Annabelle3 · 30/11/2022 01:17

The handmaiden-like expectations of a woman to put up with abuse from someone that isn't even her son is quite depressing. Especially as she has a child herself to consider. I thought Mumsnet was supposed to be supportive of women, obviously not. Enabling abuse and an unstable home simply because someone lost their parents so we should feel sorry for him (many of us experience worse than losing parents) is decidedly anti-woman, and anti stability for a child. This thread is truly depressing. OP, please ignore posters who think you should put up with abuse and disrespect, you have your son who is at a vulnerable age to consider. Please put him and yourself first. You do not have to subject yourselves to this, do not be a martyr for someone else's child who is now an adult.