To ask SS to leave

[fisher7]

I feel awful writing this but I'm at a loss on what to do next

18yo SS lives with me full time, his mum passed away 9 years ago and my DH passed away during the first lockdown which hit us all hard. He had the choice of going and living with his aunt (mums sister) but he declined as he wanted to stay with me and she lived quite far away.

He attended counselling for a while but then stopped as he said it wasn't helping, he did go back to his old self eventually and seemed to have been coping fine.

Before he turned 18, he'd only drank once with his friends which was at 17 about 6 months before his 18th. Since he's turned 18, he goes out and drinks almost everyday, he's even smoked weed a few times. He spends most of his day on his Xbox, he doesn't help around the house with tidying etc.

Earlier, he was out and me and the other rest of us ate dinner, one of the DC’s washed up as it's their turn he got back and ate his dinner and then left his plate on the side. I asked him to wash it up, he said no and told me to do it, I told him he's an adult now etc which led to him shouting that I'm not his mum so I can't tell him what to do, he hates me, wishes I died and not his dad etc. DS(13) then came down and told him to leave me alone, SS then started shouting at him that he can't tell him what to do either and pushed him and went to his room.

DS is fine but has said he doesn't want to go to his dads tomorrow and leave me with SS. I have been to speak to SS and he's apologised and I've asked if he'll speak to me properly tomorrow when the other children are at school but he's refused and told me to leave him alone.

I know I probably am, but will I BU to ask him to leave and stay somewhere else?

Haven't caught up on all the replies but I'll try and answer a few questions.

The house is rented. SS will be getting the inheritance money DH left but not for another few years, he turned 18 in May.

I've mentioned counselling again recently which he's refused, I spoke to someone at his college and they spoke to him which he wasn't happy about as he said I was involving myself in his business. There's no other family as DH was NC with his family and the only other family member is his aunt but she lives 2.5/3 hrs away so they aren't close.

I don't know what I'm going to do, I was just at a loss last night as he's been disrespectful/shouting at me for a while but yesterday was the first time he'd been aggressive and said the things he said.

I really really feel for you 💐💐💐

@fisher7 you’re right to be concerned. He has escalated the abusive behaviour and he will continue to escalate it, unless he is checked.

There are many threads of 18+ year old men abusing their mothers. Just because he is 28 doesn’t mean it’s not abuse. No woman should have to pit up with it.

18 not 28!

OP how is he getting his money to go out drinking?

I don't know what I'm going to do, I was just at a loss last night as he's been disrespectful/shouting at me for a while but yesterday was the first time he'd been aggressive and said the things he said.

OP, I am really sorry. The good thing is he has only just escalated. That should be completely nipped in the bud - he needs to know he is out the minute he does it again. Otherwise it is his green light to escalate.

I am worried about the drinking and the drugs. Once he is under the influence, he won't even be able to control himself. The worst things happen in that state. I suspect your son is picking up on that.

Children need you most when you like them least - had to keep repeating this for my teenager. You let him know you love him, you feel like his mother and while he lives in your home he is your responsibility. You speaking to his college is because you care about him and if he doesnt want you to do that he needs to move out - you will still care about him but you wont then be responsible for him.

Tell him you love him but you wont be abused by him.

There is nothing wrong with tough love, children need it. But the emphasis is on love and setting boundaries.

Yes, and the flip side of setting boundaries is following through.

He is very lucky to have you. But he is a hurt young man and his behaviour is unacceptable. I would have a meeting with him and explain your stand. have a list of what is expected of him ready and explain to him that he has until 1st January to show you he respects your boundaries or he will have to go stay with his Aunt. The list can be chores, job seeking, college courses etc. Explain you love him and you dont want him to throw his life away. Set boundaries but also show him hes your son and you love him. He probably feels he has nobody. If his behaviour does not improve then I would ask his Aunt to have him but keep regular contact.

One option - if you can afford it - is discussing with him, that if he really doesn't want the responsibility that comes with living under your roof and conforming to some basic house rules, then you'd help him find accommodation elsewhere in the area eg deposit on somewhere rented if he can find a a house share. However, what you shelled out would have to be repaid when he came into his inheritance and he need to sign an agreement to that effect.

It is (just) possible that a serious discussion about his moving on, might result in some improvement.

It could also be worth pointing out that even if he didn't agree, that if there were repetitions/escalations in aggressive behaviour, he'd have to leave anyway. (Locks can be changed etc.)

If he was your son by birth would you ask him to leave?do you love this lad?
To send him off now would be a very cruel thing to do you are his only place of safety,his rock and although he is saying these things he does not mean them,he loves you,please do not give up on him now.
Put down,as pm have said,some boundaries and enforce them.can you give him a responsibility to take some strain from you?it might help him feel more part of your family
Explain to your thirteen year old that he doesn't need to worry,that his sb is grieving and will come through this.
tell your ss you need him as much as he needs you and that you miss his dad too.
it must be so difficult for you,don't give up,things will improve and you'll be glad you didn't give up on him.🌈💐

Honestly, I think asking him to leave will likely tip him over the edge. He's lost both parents in his formative years (so sorry for your loss by the way) and is acting out now. Yes, he said some shitting things to you - but honestly, while extreme, I don't think the things he said are totally out of the ordinary for a very recently turned 18 year old who is dealing with all sorts. I personally believe he is pushing boundaries like your own flesh and blood children do - you're his only place of safety and he's probably terrified he's going to lose you too.

A serious discussion needs to be had where you lay down the rules that he's your son in everything but blood, and therefore you expect him to behave like a member of the family. He needs to be respectful to you and his siblings, and needs to start actually contributing to family life. If he wants to move out, then he can (and I like @CarolineHelston 's idea of helping him out there) but ultimately you'd just prefer it if he stopped being horrible.

for all of you though. Sounds tough all round.

If you gave me a pound for every time I've seen or heard a teenager shout in a fit of pique "I wish you were dead" to their DM/DSM/DF/DSF then I'd be a very rich woman.

If you marry a man/woman with children then the children become yours too.
That applies to step fathers too not just step mums.

I bet those pps saying that the DSS should be thrown out on his ear & banished forever would be the first to denounce OP if it was her flesh & blood DS that she was thinking of throwing out because of his behaviour 🤔

This is very sensible advice

My god, really?? He is still a young lad who has lost both his parents. I couldn’t even contemplate throwing him out.

What would his father want??

You are the adult here with life experience and coping skills- help him navigate this trauma and support him towards independence. Surely you are equipped to handle a bit of a row? This young lad is grieving.

18 year olds may be ‘fully grown men’ in the eyes of the law, but actually they are much more like a 15 or 16 year old than a 25 year old. Young adults do an awful lot of growing up between 18 & 23 ime. At 18 they are still impulsive, uncertain, more concerned by what their mates think rather than who they are and moody.

I’d worry about the lack of any structure, the drinking & weed OP. It isn’t unusual as others have said & I know a lot of young men who have gone down that path - but it rarely ends well, even when the lack of positive ending is a bit of a slightly unhappy life lacking in motivation to really live and engage with whatever is around them.

I think you need a calm but serious talk when he is ready - by which I mean tell him you need to talk and ask him to come & find you when ready (the same day). I find giving that one bit of control - as to when the talk starts - helps with a sensible discussion. Then discuss boundaries. Physical aggression is never acceptable & he needs to know you will not tolerate it, that it is your red line. In terms of the drinking & weed I would just tell him it is not the answer to his grief and distress and will make things worse. Telling him to stop will just set him up to fail. I would actually focus on ‘you need a job’ and have a boundary about that. Getting a job will help with the drinking, weed smoking and boundaries. It will give him structure, introduce him to others and help him grow up a bit into a young adult who can act in a responsible way.

I’d also tell him that as a young adult there is a home for him with you, but you have the same expectations of him as you will your own children when they are 18 - which includes 1) no violence or threatening behaviour towards others in the home and 2) looking for or having something constructive to do which might be a job, or study, or travel or volunteering.

it does sound hard OP, you must feel your loss so much in moments like this.

18 year olds may be ‘fully grown men’ in the eyes of the law, but actually they are much more like a 15 or 16 year old than a 25 year old. Young adults do an awful lot of growing up between 18 & 23 ime. At 18 they are still impulsive, uncertain, more concerned by what their mates think rather than who they are and moody

Very true. Scientists have determined that adolescence actually lasts until 25. Physical puberty may stop before then, but the brain doesn't transition from adolescence and into adulthood until the mid 20s.

Poor lad. This is so sad.

If you turned your back on him now, he won't ever forget it. So if you want any sort of relationship with him in the future you might want to help him through this bit. 18 is hard, let alone 18, and bereaved of the only two people who love you unconditionally.

The poor boy when our DN lost their mum at a similar age it really messed them up so I can’t even imagine what that would look like multiplied. I like others think he’s testing you to see if you’ll leave him too. I don’t think you should kick him out however I totally do think you should set boundaries with rules of how he must behave as if he is living under your roof these are your rules. I would go back to the college, they need to be fully informed to enable them to support him and you. They will be able to direct you to organisations and charities that may be able to help and if the first person doesn’t help keep on asking to speak to someone until they do. If DSD complains your in his business highlight that you love him, you care for him and that is why you are doing it.

The boy is so very traumatised and at such a difficult age as well, he is becoming a man but his head isn’t quite there yet. There are agencies there to help you it’s just getting the access to them.

This makes me so sad.
This boy is grieving. He’s lost his parents at a pivotal point in his young life and he’s struggling with his grief. He’s testing his SM. He knows she doesn’t have to keep him around and he’s testing her to see if she’ll desert him like his parents did. Meanwhile he’s self-medicating with drink and drugs.

OP is grieving too but she’s a fully fledged adult and she’s been this young man’s sole mother-figure since he was 9 years old. I wonder how she would feel if her DS was in SS’s position. What would she want the SM to do?

There has to be a serious conversation. He absolutely cannot be allowed to abuse his family without consequences but it needs to not be ‘stop acting out or I’ll kick you out’ type of talk. OP needs to acknowledge his pain and adore him that he has a home with her BUT he’s a young adult now and with that come certain responsibilities.

He really needs to get back into therapy - proper grief therapy, not CBT in this instance. Cruse should be able to help.

I wonder if there was anyone you could reach out to like Andy's man club. For some help who might be able to guide you on what to do. I really feel for you as yes hes struggling but he pushed your child and you need to protect your children too. Everyone will be grieving and I really feel for you. He needs a job/college some sort of focus because doing nothing is not helping matters. Also drink/drugs you don't want him going down that path. Sorry not much help but I hope you can all work through this

having experienced a son of a similar age, who was going through similar (but not the same) kind of grief, I would agree with posters who have said he is scared and trying to push you away. He clearly didn’t behave like this after his mother died and the trigger for him seems to be turning 18 and he perhaps felt triggered also because your son getting involved reiterated to him exactly that he doesn’t have anyone like that for him. That he is ultimately alone. An aunt he barely knows doesn’t really count…

of course, none of this excuses violent or aggressive behaviour and no one is saying it is or that you should permit this kind of behaviour. But there aren’t only two solutions here of throw him out or let him be violent/aggressive. There is lots in between.

I would be asking my son NOT to intervene. It’s not the ‘job’ of a thirteen year old to police the behaviour of step siblings (or siblings) and I would perhaps wait a few days or a week so SS can calm down and then leave him a letter explaining (if it’s true) that you are worried about him and don’t know what to do to help him feel better. But that you want to and love him etc etc. and see whether that prompts him to speak with you properly.

Poor, poor boy losing his parents before he even reaches adulthood. No wonder he’s angry and drinking/smoking weed (which loads of teens do anyway).
You don’t state whether he’s finished school or working, but he probably needs a focus however hard it is.
i wouldn’t Chuck him out, imagine how that would make him feel? You do need to talk to him and set down boundaries though - pick your battles - no aggression towards you/your kids but if he leaves plate on side then who really cares? My same aged DS does it all the time despite my nagging(!), he is a lazy teen and would rather do his ‘stuff’ (he is working hard and gets tired/has some MH issues) so I don’t majorly push it - just mention he’s 18 and he’s not paying rent (we don’t need it and I’d rather he saved) so he needs to help more around the house.

It's a really tough one. He's been through hell but he can't hurt his little brother. Would you make him leave if he was yours? My husband's father and stepmother made him leave at 16 when he was playing up. He lost his mother very young. He still feels angry and rejected at times. So very sad.

How is he paying for the drink/weed? Presumably he doesn't work. And he can't be claiming anything as the job centre would be on at him constantly to find a job if he was.

You are a bigger person than me, I would have kicked him out long ago. Grieving or not, he has no right to treat you and your poor DS like that.