Why don't you foster or adopt?

[Myguessis]

Please, please stop asking this question to anyone that tells you they can't have children.

I promise you, they are already aware that adoption and fostering exists. You are not enlightening them.

Fostering and adoption are not solutions to infertility. They are huge undertakings in themselves, and the focus is on providing an often traumatised child a loving, stable home. Not to 'fill a hole' in someone's life. Yes, this can be the route some have travelled but it's not an automatic Option B!!

It's also a huge emotional challenge in itself, with the training, visits, and checks often taking months and months - many couples are still raw from unsuccessful invasive and physically demanding treatment.

Just don't make this 'helpful' suggestion. It's so insensitive.

I hear you.

Also please don’t tell stories of your cousins best friend sister who after years of infertility fell pregnant naturally with triplets. Also not helpful information.

Completely agree, it’s not a simple solution or decision and in my experience normally comes from people who have no experience of either infertility or fostering/adoption.

I hear you on this too!! Not helpful whatsoever when people share these stories.

Whilst it’s incredible that it does happen for some people it’s not something that’s going to happen for me, so this kind of thing is just pointing that out.

Also, comparing having to try for 6 months/a year with 100% infertility that means you’ll never ever have a child is also not helpful, it’s not the same, it’ll never be the same.

Yes I understand completely.
It's not helpful to be told that. Thank you for bringing this up because sometimes people do not realise how it comes across.

It’s also irritating for people who have gone done the adoption path to hear this suggested so flippantly.

If I've learned anything, it's that there's nothing that I can or should say to reassure someone who is going through infertility or fertility treatment.

And I don't mean that belligerently, it's just that nothing anyone says will make anything any better, or easier.

It's hard because we want to provide comfort and reassurance - but it's not about us, it's about checking in with our friend on how they are, but not trying to offer a solution to a challenge we can not solve for.

Completely agree Op, it's such a stupid and insensitive thing to say to people struggling with infertility.

Also don't immediately say that you got pregnant the first month of trying - it's not a competition and it just sounds so fucking smug.

Agree, not only is it insensitive to the person who is unable to have children, it shows a complete lack of understanding as to what fostering/adopting actually entails. I have friends with 2 adopted children who are utterly brilliant, but it has been a hard journey for all four of them. It's not exactly the easy option.

Or saying:
"Ooh, well you never know.."
"It'll happen when you least expect it."
"You could be pregnant right now."
"Just relax"
"Oh well, children can be really annoying, my two...."
"My [insert very tenuous connection] was told to [insert something ridiculously simple like eating half a grapefruit before bed] and got pregnant the next month"
Or, tales of someone who they barely know who adopted and how quick and easy it was.
Or the "friend" who went on about how I never did want the easy way and always had to do things the complicated way.

Also please don’t tell your friend who’s undergoing IVF in November that it’s not so bad if it doesn’t work out this month as it’d have meant your August-born child would have been the youngest in the year which most people try to avoid.

Hon if it meant having a baby on 31st August at 23:59 I would happily do so!

Agree. And it is usually said by people that have been able to have children and haven’t adopted themselves.

Also stop trooping out oh well just use donor eggs and/or sperm - I want my own biological child

Also fostering and adoption are massively different. Fostering is being paid to look after children that can’t be with their parents. It’s a job. Adoption is becoming the legal parent of a child who for whatever reason needs one. Not the same

This is a difficult one though as if you’ve tried for 6 months or a year etc it could very well be that someone goes on to be 100% infertile so the worry of that could be very real and valid for them . Nobody knows if they’ll ultimate get pregnant or not so once you’re down that path of a year plus ttc it becomes a possibility

You can defer school for a year for summer born children so please don’t worry or put off ttc as avoiding an august baby isn’t necessary!!!

Most people say these hurtful things from a good place even if they fall very far from the mark. What should they say?

Just say "I'm sorry," or "That sounds really hard" it's the offering of uninvited solutions which is generally offensive.

Well said OP. I think most people don’t know what to say to people who have difficulty conceiving so come out with a glib response to try and make you feel better. Which of course it doesn’t!!

Exactly, but just a crazy thing to say to someone going through IVF.

“You can have my Josh if you want, he’s been a bloody nightmare today”

”You can have cream sofas and carpets and you can go on holidays whenever you like”

But do remember there's a a difference between the needs of the individual and the needs of society. Whilst individuals may not understand why the government won't fund multiple rounds of ivf, none if one of you already has a child, from a societal perspective we need homes for the children that already exist. I sat on an ethics committee for the ccg, and this was exactly the position- one round of ivf, couples to be encouraged to explore adoption to see if it's right for them. (Note explore, no one is saying it is right for you).

Funding ivf with scarce health resources is very tricky to justify at a society level.

Or tell them they need to hug more babies and be around more babies to get their eggs going like I was. That wasn't going to make my (now ex) husbands sperm swim was it but I wasn't going to share all the gory details.

I used to think of adoption in very idealised terms. As a teen I often told myself I might forgo having bio kids and adopt instead.

Then I grew the hell up and understood the pitfalls and complexities of adoption and wouldn't dare through that around as a suggestion to anyone struggling with infertility.

Parenting an adopted child is parenting a child who has been subjected to trauma in some way and that requires a whole other level and range of skills than parenting your own.

YANBU