Why don't you foster or adopt?

[Myguessis]

Please, please stop asking this question to anyone that tells you they can't have children.

I promise you, they are already aware that adoption and fostering exists. You are not enlightening them.

Fostering and adoption are not solutions to infertility. They are huge undertakings in themselves, and the focus is on providing an often traumatised child a loving, stable home. Not to 'fill a hole' in someone's life. Yes, this can be the route some have travelled but it's not an automatic Option B!!

It's also a huge emotional challenge in itself, with the training, visits, and checks often taking months and months - many couples are still raw from unsuccessful invasive and physically demanding treatment.

Just don't make this 'helpful' suggestion. It's so insensitive.

I would love to know what your relatives really think

Apparently you do.

so even if we know first hand some succesful infertility treatment thanks to xyz we are not supposed to tell the person? Or advice from someone who cope with infertility?

Are we assuming that whoever told us their infertility issues have exhausted all options and not looking for any further treatment?

I think people are right to offer suggestions if the person involved is within close family or very close friend and only emphatic responses like "I'm so sorry" if you don't know them well.

by not talking about infertility treatments or advice on how to cope are we making infertility even more a closed / difficult subject that when someone brings up there is nothing to talk about?

Omg get this all the time. FFS stop it. I can't adopt for several reasons, and To be really honest, having seen an acquaintance adopt children who are going to have significant issues. It's not for me.

Unless you know their full medical history and their partner’s, no it’s not appropriate to talk about treatment options. In any case there won’t be anything that you can tell them that they won’t already know.

I'm so sorry. I remember being faced with a hysterectomy ten years ago after cancer on my womb. I was single and childless. I was devastated. The hardest thing was trying to make the choice. It seemed impossible when the consequences of both actions were so irreversible.

Ugh, I get this. I always answer “Why don’t you?”

Yes to all this. Infertility is really a complex issue and there isn’t any simple solutions (however much people try to give you simple solutions🤨).

Adoption and fostering isn’t an easy option (potentially very intrusive, I looked into fostering) and isn’t the same thing as conceiving and having your own biological child. IVF isn’t an easy solution as people think, (haven’t gone down the ivf route myself but know people who have) it’s most likely to fail than succeed and is very expensive, so is going down the sperm/egg donor route. Some couples just don’t have the money. It’s also very taxing physically on your body and emotionally too.

I hate when people complain about their kids as a response to my lack of children. ‘Oh you can have my two, they’re a nightmare …’ it just comes across as gloating and insensitive tbh. I feel like saying in response, well done, you reproduced, good for you. 🙄

To be honest I find the whole thing awkward. I find it easier just to say I’m childfree by choice to avoid all these bingos. But I’m not, and it’s a painful thing as a woman to have that choice taken from you. It’s a cruel thing and I would say it’s actually a kind of grief that eats away at your soul.

It's definitely not that we shouldn't talk about it - we absolutely should talk about it!

It's about how we talk about it, and how we listen. I think that the best way to support someone going through something about which you know very little, is to be curious, rather than offering suggestions. It's an important difference.

Don't say 'have you considered adopting?' - say 'I'd like to know more and support you - what are you going through right now?' and let them tell you.

Acknowledge that you probably don't have much useful info to give them that they don't already know, but that it sounds really difficult and you are here for them, if they want to tell you about their treatments and options they are looking into then they can, etc.

In 3 years of infertility struggles, I have had some really great supportive friends who I wouldn't want to be without. However, I haven't had a single piece of 'advice' from anyone that was actually helpful to me - and I've had a LOT of 'advice' thrown at me. I know why people say those things, and it's always will the best intentions. So it's OK, but I also would love it if people were more aware of why they're not helpful things to say.

The most helpful thing is just when people have been interested and let me tell them what I was going through. Literally just be there to listen and empathise.

Yes it’s emotional support that is needed rather than practical support or advice, but some on this thread just don’t seem to get it.

That’s exactly it. People don’t want Joe Public’s suggestions. I couldn’t imagine there is any adult that has not heard of adoption. If you have gone through infertility in the past 15 years you will have probably researched everything you can online. Some random relative/friend is not going to be able to contribute anything meaningful other than emotional support.

Nothing. No suggestions, no examples nothing.
Just listen, ask ‘Is there anything I can do!’
Most importantly just treat them normally the same friend/relative/colleague they have always been but let them know you are there if they need you.
I’m one of the lucky ones who finally conceived after 7 years of treatment. The comments and suggestions make everything worse. You are angry at the world, feel
like a failure, hormonal, exhausted and sometimes in pain from procedures. It’s like a volcano is in your stomach and little comment sets it rumbling. I wouldn’t wish infertility on my worst enemy. It doesn’t even stop now that I have a child as I can’t just have another one but people obviously have forgotten. So now I get ‘When are you going to have another?’ No we can’t, remember it took us 7 years? ‘Ah well you never know, miracles happen, they say once you e had a child it can make it easier to conceive naturally’ 🤯

Oh god sorry old thread coz of these new suggestions 😬

Things that have been said to me about my infertility:
"What about Adopting?"
"You can have my eggs if you want" (when telling a not close friend that we had finally got an appointment with the fertility clinic)
"So when do you start IVF" being asked like it's the same as nipping for a loaf of bread
"Maybe it just isn't meant to be"
"You're young, it's fine" yes Sharon but my endometriosis and PCOS don't care about my age
"Just get drunk"

I think people are right to offer suggestions

But do you honestly think the person won't have already explored those options? There can't be anyone of sound mind who isn't aware of the existence of IVF, vitamin supplements, "just relaxing" and "just adopting."

I wouldn't make the suggestion but actually a lot of people do adopt because they cannot have biological children, so to suggest that the adoption isn't a response to infertility is a little disingenuous.

”Just get drunk”!!

Yes I’ve had “get some beer into him” too. These comments suggesting sexual dysfunction or that you are too uptight are the most offensive of all in many ways.

No one has said adoption isn’t A response to infertility. But it is not the default response or the natural next step for many either. To suggest that anyone unable to have their own child should adopt is doing a disservice to those children needing to be adopted, like any old infertile couple will do for them.

True, and my DH and I did adopt our 2 DDs eventually (now 13 and 10). But we didn’t need to have it suggested to us (as my DM did a lot!!). As my DH pointed out, ‘Do they think we don’t know we could adopt?’

For most people who adopt following infertility, it’s necessary to grieve the lack of bio DC before being ready to go down the adoption route. It certainly was the case for us, and the adoption social workers wanted to know that we were ready to proceed with the adoption application.

I think these seem like the only things you can say really, anything else could cause upset.

I haven’t read the full thread but I’d like to add to the list.

’You can have mine’ said with a long suffering 🙄 expression