Why don't you foster or adopt?

[Myguessis]

Please, please stop asking this question to anyone that tells you they can't have children.

I promise you, they are already aware that adoption and fostering exists. You are not enlightening them.

Fostering and adoption are not solutions to infertility. They are huge undertakings in themselves, and the focus is on providing an often traumatised child a loving, stable home. Not to 'fill a hole' in someone's life. Yes, this can be the route some have travelled but it's not an automatic Option B!!

It's also a huge emotional challenge in itself, with the training, visits, and checks often taking months and months - many couples are still raw from unsuccessful invasive and physically demanding treatment.

Just don't make this 'helpful' suggestion. It's so insensitive.

I think that’s an appalling stance from the CCG.

My friend has just had this happen to her. She's just had her second miscarriage and her mil said that they could always adopt.

And don't say "I'm lucky. I fell straight away." Especially when I REMEMBER you bawling your eyes out every month for two years!

What should you say?
Are you supposed to tell them how sorry you are?

Serious question.

I was asked if I’d thought about adoption by the nurse in the Bad News Room of the EPU for the millionth time.

@gogohmm - that’s a really interesting perspective. DM’s cousins were both adopted. This was because her aunt and uncle could not have children, and 70 years ago, IVF was not an option. Neither child came from a traumatic background necessarily. One was born to someone quite young who wanted to live her life, the other to a woman who thought she’d been through the menopause. She was close to 50 and didn’t have the ability to parent another child. The cousins grew up with wonderful parents and went on to have families of their own.

From a logical perspective at least, suggesting someone consider adopting when they don’t have the option of conceiving naturally is not wrong, per se. Children want homes, people want children. That’s how it was in the past, before the medical advances we have today.

"I'm sorry to hear that."
"Are you getting enough support and help at the moment?"
"That sounds incredibly hard for you."
"If you ever want to grab a coffee, let me know."
"Life is so tough sometimes, you're doing really so well to cope with this."
"Is there anything I can do?"
"I'm here if you ever need to vent."
"Life is bloody unfair sometimes."

There are so many things you could say which don't include insensitive 'solutions'.

This is a very good point.

Often those completely actually think fostering is a good way to 'try before you buy'. Utterly awful.

Fostering is an incredible vocation, with huge challenges as well as rewards. It's not for the faint hearted and involves specialist skills, and is often underfunded with not enough support.

It's not a John Lewis ad!

I have read the experience from a number of adult adoptees (granted mainly US where adoption is culturally very different from here) who talk a lot about infertility and adoption being two very separate issues that many in society seem to think “fixes” each other. Some adoptees have experienced more trauma after being adopted by parents who went through infertility, adopted and the child didn’t live up to their idealised idea of having a child. The message from the adoptees I’ve seen has been very much about adopting a child should be about the child and their needs rather than the parents want for a child, if that makes sense.

I didn't mind when people suggested it to me as I knew it was coming from a "good" place. I did put them straight pretty quickly though 🙂

I do feel a bit guilty that I didn't acknowledge my best friend's struggle with secondary infertility which was happening at the same time and I probably came out with some fairly glib and thoughtless comments. It's easily done.

I think people think they are been helpful but this comment comes out as flippant. We need to listen more and pass on unwanted advice unless it is directly called for. We tell kids all the time “think before you talk” as adults we need to take this advice.

I bloody hate when people think fostering children is just making a poor, sad, little reclusive child happy again. Oh I'll take them to lovely places and they'll become happy and normal. When the reality is just so, so far from that. I've taught enough LAC to know I couldn't be a foster carer. It takes a lot of skill and patience I do not have.

Me and my partner went through the process for fostering with Action For Children, but we had to stop near the end as they wanted 10…..10!! references from people(who weren’t family) to vouch for us.

I didn’t know 10 people to ask, think I got about 5 people and when I went back to them to say I couldn’t find anyone else they said they couldn’t go any further with the application. I was extremely disappointed but it was their strict rules that ruled us out.

This could go for many other things in life that are hard.

The number of daft/annoying comments I've had about my kids with special needs or my chronic health problems.

I think people just say random stuff when they're embarrassed just than shutting up and listening.

In more general terms I wish more people understood that when a person is speaking out in pain of some kind they aren't demanding the listener to fix it. If you have a well thought out solution that is appropriate to the situation by all means offer it but there's no point offering solutions just for the sake of it.

If I mention adoption it's only because I'm wondering what their views are on the subject, not that I think I'm bringing up something they haven't thought of

I'm part of this FB group (nothing to do with infertility) which is about a particular problem solving method and one of the rules is that you are not allowed to offer solutions at all, only support/help with the method.

I found it really hard to do. It's like we're hard wired to try and solve problems. I find myself buzzing with ideas that I want to share. But once I got used to it, it's SO refreshing!

You know when you post a question asking for help and people give you the exact 20 solutions you've already thought of and tried first. So you spend the majority of the post explaining "Thank you for the suggestion but that won't work because..."

It's draining. And it happens because people solve for the one singular part of the problem that they can see or relate to or understand, and fail to consider the myriad other aspects.

You also tend to come across as ungrateful, difficult, or argumentative, just because you're trying to explain. Especially if people are attached to their solution. It's a negative experience all around.

Empathy without solutions is great, it gives people space to explore what they are actually dealing with without fear of judgement.

I was always very open about my fertility struggles but couldn't get my head around people asking me about adoption- it just seemed another level personal. It's not the answer for a lot (probably the majority) of people.

The best thing to say is 'I'm so sorry' or similar. Definitely not that your auntie's next door neighbour had a zillion rounds of ivf and then gave it up, went on holiday and fell pregnant because she'd relaxed

That’s horrendous. I’m so sorry you experienced that, did you complain? Not to get anyone in trouble but to ensure it doesn’t happen again, the individual in question needs some training. I’ve been a regular at the EPU too and those conversations are SO sensitive. Every word, the tone it’s delivered, terminology et cxxx matters.

We often think that when someone is through a tough time we have to offer a solution or say something that will make them feel better. Sometimes, what people really need is sympathy or a hug or a listening ear and that's it.

I'm an adoptive parent of 2. Before we had them I heard this kind of thing loads of times.

I'm going to say something here that I hope doesn't upset anyone and I'm not saying that loosing a child is the same as living with infertility, because it isn't but a good rule to follow is this.
Don't say anything to a person living with infertility that you wouldn't say to a person who has lost a child.

Loads of things to say, I’m sorry to hear that, I hope it goes well etc.

But don’t offer solutions, she will have heard of adoption before you (3general you not you) mention it.

Times have changed though, as you allude to. These days, adoptive children are much more likely to have been through significant trauma, rather than it simply being the case that a young unmarried mum is pressured by society to give them up at birth.

I’ve wondered this too.