Why don't you foster or adopt?

[Myguessis]

Please, please stop asking this question to anyone that tells you they can't have children.

I promise you, they are already aware that adoption and fostering exists. You are not enlightening them.

Fostering and adoption are not solutions to infertility. They are huge undertakings in themselves, and the focus is on providing an often traumatised child a loving, stable home. Not to 'fill a hole' in someone's life. Yes, this can be the route some have travelled but it's not an automatic Option B!!

It's also a huge emotional challenge in itself, with the training, visits, and checks often taking months and months - many couples are still raw from unsuccessful invasive and physically demanding treatment.

Just don't make this 'helpful' suggestion. It's so insensitive.

Can we say something like "looking on the bright side" with the benefits of being childfree? Or is that also insensitive?

Insensitive and invalidating. Like if someone's dog died and you say, 'At least you don't have to go on those early-morning walks anymore!'

I would say I was sorry, if they told me they were struggling with infertility, and ask how they were doing. Just let them take the lead in the conversation, whether talking about IVF or anything.

Are you actually taking the piss or is that a real question?

Can we say something like "looking on the bright side" with the benefits of being childfree? Or is that also insensitive?

This is a tricky one. There did come a point, after I’d accepted it wasn’t going to happen, that I didn’t mind this, found it preferable to pity. But that was after I’d come to terms with it, and certainly not while I was still trying/hoping to conceive. On the whole best not I think.

I did wonder that about an old friend who couldn't conceive with her husband but certainly didn't say that. It's a sensitive issue and if she had brought up adoption fine, but she never did.

I agree wholeheartedly

Can we say something like "looking on the bright side" with the benefits of being childfree? Or is that also insensitive?

Would you say to someone whose mother had died, look on the bright side you don’t have to shell out for a Mother’s Day card anymore?

Why is being empathetic about infertility so difficult for some people?!

When people say, but what are you meant to say, look at it like this. If someone told you there mum had died, you wouldn't say oh but you have your mother in law or at least you don't have to do her shopping. You would show empathy and say that you are so sorry and is there anything you can do to help. Empathy is all that is needed, unless someone asks for solutions.

I think the "would you say it to someone who had lost a child?" is a good idea here.

Nah, I'll carry on saying it.

I avoid asking people I don't know well why they don't have kids. If they being it up they are telling me they wish to discuss it and its a perfectly reasonable thing to ask.

People I do know well who have struggled with fertility... well I don't need a random on MN to tell me how to speak to my friends and family.

People ask, or assume. We have one DC. Lost two ill babies later on into pregnancy and had two miscarriages.

They impose their opinions whether you would like them or not.

"only one?"
"Not having any more?"
"how come just the one? "
"its selfish to just have one"
"you don't want a spoiled only child"
"you need to give him a sibling"
"why don't you have IVF?"
"will you not just adopt then?"
"have you tried fertility treatment?
" have you tried morning primrose? "
" Have you tried cutting out gluten?"

Whether you talk about it or not people judge

You are really missing the point. It's not your place to offer a solution. Why would you have one? This is their experience.

My response is always "I'm so sorry to hear that. I haven't been through it myself but I know from what people have told me that it's a horrendous experience." Then I say nothing and let them lead the conversation or change the subject.

Wow aren’t you a charmer.

It's not your place to tell me how to dictate how people engage in conversation.

Why? What is unreasonable in what I have said? Why not try fostering or adoption? I still don't understand the issue.

@CarefreeMe

I assume of someone wants to have a conversation about something they want me to help them with actual solutions rather than saying ‘sorry to hear that’ and therefore ending the conversation.

Sometimes people are not telling you because they want you to think of a solution for them, sometimes people tell you stuff because they want to share what they are going through. And honestly, do you really think that you know more about infertility than someone going through it? Do you honestly think that adoption, or relaxing, or dietary advice or speaking to a fertility doctor hasn't occurred to them?

People have a damn cheek making suggestions like that. It must be very annoying. As if adoption is an automatic alternative to having a biological child; it isn't. It is also not at all easy to adopt, it's a long path; nor is it easy to be an adoptive parent. Obviously some make a great job of it.

I know something of this because I was adopted.

I'd be quite happy if people stopped asking about pregnancy/children in general. I have two children I'm incredibly lucky to have them, but I've also had miscarriages, ectopic pregnancies, fertility issues and dangerous pregnancies which make having another unlikely. I understand that it is nowhere near the same heartbreak as someone who hasn't been able to have any children but it's still heartbreaking having to smile politely when people ask "are you having any more?" or "you just need a insert gender now to complete your family".

And telling people that things happen for a reason and it just wasn't their time doesn't help either! Just have some empathy and understand why the person is hurting.

It's probably an ego thing, most of us want to be a hero, swoop in and save the day with a solution. It doesn't mean it's always the best thing to do an a given situation.

Yes. Been struggling with fertility for 3 years now. Have finally started hearing this over the last couple of months from 'helpful' family members. It actually really hurts.

Someone going through infertility would have to have their head completely buried in the sand for this not to have already crossed their mind. You are not telling them anything new.

It's not a helpful thing to say and it's not an alternative, it's a different thing entirely.

@Changeyncchange

Do you think that your friends don't know that adoption exists? Do you realise how hard it is to adopt? Have you looked into it yourself? Do you believe that adopting a child is the same experience as birthing one? Adopted children aren't consolation prizes, their needs are very different and much greater than just needing a loving parent.

More than one person has explained to you why your response is rude and insensitive and your response to them was nah I’ll keep saying it. I don’t think there is any amount of explaining that would get through to you.

I think that poster has an agenda, ignore them.

Or the older female 'friend' who continually advised me to get pregnant and have a baby as it would 'clear everything out' and magically cure my endometriosis. I wish I'd had the discourtesy to tell her to f off.

You shouldn't feel bad @Moomins75 , you were trying to help and like you say it came from a good place. But the thing with infertility is that you can't 'do' anything as a friend or family member.

As someone going through infertility, what I like the most is when my friends just ask how I am, ask how the treatment is going and let me talk. I don't need them to say 'have you thought about...?' because the answer is invariably yes I have and I know about 10 times more about it than they do.

I have spent the past 3 years thinking about little else, and their soapbox wisdom is absolutely not going to tell me anything I don't know.

What they can do for me that IS helpful is simply listen and be there. I know all of the options, and it's shit, so I just need a shoulder to cry on sometimes.

I went through 7 years trying to have children, 10 IVFs, 2 miscarriages, and finally had my twins.

I'll never forget two things that friends said during that time:

• One friend with 3 kids said "why don't you just adopt?". I said "why don't you?". Her response was "I don't need to". Unbelievably insensitive on so many levels.
• Another friend (who had a daughter) and I were talking. She said she was desperate for another child. I said "me too" (as in I wanted my first child). She said "oh, but it's much worse for me, since I know what I'm missing out on". I was speechless.

Now I am very careful how I approach any conversation about kids with someone childless. If a conversation turns to IVF, I say that I am there if there are any questions they'd like to ask.