Why don't you foster or adopt?

[Myguessis]

Please, please stop asking this question to anyone that tells you they can't have children.

I promise you, they are already aware that adoption and fostering exists. You are not enlightening them.

Fostering and adoption are not solutions to infertility. They are huge undertakings in themselves, and the focus is on providing an often traumatised child a loving, stable home. Not to 'fill a hole' in someone's life. Yes, this can be the route some have travelled but it's not an automatic Option B!!

It's also a huge emotional challenge in itself, with the training, visits, and checks often taking months and months - many couples are still raw from unsuccessful invasive and physically demanding treatment.

Just don't make this 'helpful' suggestion. It's so insensitive.

Infertility is not a defining characteristic that confers you superior knowledge of complete strangers feelings and relationships because they share that characteristic.

People going through infertility do have a kind of knowledge of each other's experience which is not shared by other friends and family members in their day to day lives.

Many people seek out community support from others who are going through similar - you only need to look at the IVF/ Infertility forums on here to see that. It is the same with people going through other challenging life experiences who seek out a community, because they can relate to each others' experiences and feelings, even though they are strangers.

There is value in shared experience and yes, there actually are commonalities in the experience of infertility. That is obviously not to say that everyone is the same, but of course there are going to be feelings and emotions which one can understand when going through a similar experience.

OK, well, just to clarify in the most obvious way I can - I am not an authority on other people's feelings.

However, neither are you. Not even those of your closest family and friends.

And perhaps listening to the view of someone with experience of infertility might give you an insight into how it can feel, underneath what they will share with you.

Or perhaps not. You can take from it what you like, however I think I'm done now.

You are talking as if it is an identity.

I don't think that's healthy for anybody. The people close to me did/do not see it like this.

Now obviously you are going to tell me I wrong and they secretly do because you are so seem so committed to this identity you feel perfectly comfortable telling me you understand complete strangers better than their own family.

I haven’t struggled with infertility but I cringe at the comments I see online from people “Just adopt!”

I totally agree that adoption and infertility are two separate things.

Funnily enough it’s usually woman who are able to have bio children easily who make these sorts of comments. A couple of weeks ago I saw a post on Facebook from a celeb that used IVF to get pregnant. A woman commented “Just adopt, so many children need to be adopted! Why would you put yourself through that?” Ironically had 3 bio kids herself and stated she didn’t need IVF. A lot of people bashed her, why didn’t she “just adopt” if she says there is children who need to be adopted!!

And perhaps listening to the view of someone with experience of infertility might give you an insight into how it can feel, underneath what they will share with you

Again. I have. That's what we are discussing.

I totally agree that adoption and infertility are two separate things

Is it? The majority of people I know who fostered or adopted (outside of kinship care) don't have their own children due to difficulty conceiving.

Most infertile couples don't adopt or foster.

I have endometrial cancer and due to have a hysterectomy very soon. Al attempts to save my womb have failed.
I'm sick of hearing suggestions that I adopt- I don't want to and I don't think I'd be approved for many reasons.
It's not going to get better.
I got a huge amount of grief on a Facebook support group for endometrial cancer when I asked people not to suggest adoption. They accused me of all sorts and one even told me that if I wasn't prepared to adopt then it was a good thing I wasn't able to be a mother!

Do you know how many adopters (outside of family) are infertile? I don't know btw, just wondered. I appreciate my experience is anecdotal.

@Changeyncchange Yes they are completely separate issues. I am sure I saw statistics that most infertile couples do not adopt.

Adoption does not exist to provide children for would be parents. It’s about finding homes and families for children who need them. Infertile couples are not automatically the best people to provide this (though some undoubtedly are). You do not need to be infertile to adopt.

No, once again, you are putting words into my mouth.

I did not say that I see it as an identity - I actively work hard to prevent that and ensure I have a life outside of it.

However, the fact that you are judgmental about the idea of it being an 'identity' also shows your lack of understanding. For some people, it does become an identity, and it's not one that anybody would ever want. It's extremely dismissive to just say 'that's not healthy'. No it's not - but that is how it goes for some people.

It can be all consuming, and that is why it can be helpful to have a support network. People who share an experience have a commonality in understanding that experience.

In the US its the most common reason for adoption. Can't find the figures for the UK but would be surprised if they were different.

The "why don't you just adopt" question really highlights the asker's naivety and lack of awareness. Without exception.

As if you simply pick out a child from a fancy catalogue, kit out the nursery, get it dropped off via Amazon Prime and bam, instant happy family.

It's easy, just don't ask anyone if they've thought of it. Everyone knows adoption and fostering exists, it won't be a foreign notion.

If someone is close to you, they'll inevitably talk about it- but on their terms.

There is nothing that you can say to an infertile woman, unless you have been infertile yourself.
Both my DH and I have been declared 100% infertile and then, after 5 years of marriage, I got naturally pregnant ( when I called my gynecologist to give him the news he said: Eva Braun thought the same). I usually keep this for myself.
It is bereavement every month.

@Myguessis Yes the question should never be asked

I think you are totally right. A lot of people are so uneducated that they think adoption is like going to Tesco. In reality it’s possibly years of paperwork, meetings, panels. It can be heartbreaking as some adoptions fall through. I’ve looked into it as personally I want to adopt in the future but I think it is such a personal choice and I hate that people think it is an answer to miscarriages or infertility

💐

You've hit on a good point; you are subject to immediate judgement - as if not wanting to foster or adopt means you can't quite want a child 'that badly'.

@Changeyncchange

I have no idea about the statistics but the statements that most adoptees are infertile and most infertile couples do not adopt may both be true.

The "why don't you just adopt" question really highlights the asker's naivety and lack of awareness

I know you think I have an agenda but I do have to clarify. I would never ask this.

I would ask "would you adopt?".

Small difference but I think I understand your point more now. In fairness you did phrase it that way in your OP, I suppose my brain didn't process it because I cannot imagine anybody being that insensitive.

Indeed, but there is a link.

Yes this. As if anyone who gets pregnant easily is in any position to judge how much anyone who I can’t really wants a baby.

Let’s not forget ‘oh you’d be such a great Mum too’

@maddiemookins16mum after my twin miscarriage one of my friends said “in a way it’s a good thing, my sister has twins doesn’t she and she looks frail after running around after them 2 all day”

🙄

The worst one was “Have one of mine if you want, god they drive me crazy”

I get all that. I was just a little perplexed at your view of being taken aback at people being 'personal' when you clearly said that you too were 'personal'. That's the bit I was questioning....not the actual comments made.

@Changeyncchange why are you on this thread? Other than to tell women who have suffered infertility they are wrong and you are right? I would love to know what your relatives really think.