Why don't you foster or adopt?

[Myguessis]

Please, please stop asking this question to anyone that tells you they can't have children.

I promise you, they are already aware that adoption and fostering exists. You are not enlightening them.

Fostering and adoption are not solutions to infertility. They are huge undertakings in themselves, and the focus is on providing an often traumatised child a loving, stable home. Not to 'fill a hole' in someone's life. Yes, this can be the route some have travelled but it's not an automatic Option B!!

It's also a huge emotional challenge in itself, with the training, visits, and checks often taking months and months - many couples are still raw from unsuccessful invasive and physically demanding treatment.

Just don't make this 'helpful' suggestion. It's so insensitive.

@mumda but it is coming across as ‘well I said something nice so be grateful.’

Even though people going through infertility have explained that it is painful and is upsetting for them. ‘What am I supposed to say’ - it is perfectly acceptable to say ‘I am sorry to hear that.’

Completely agree. Fostering and adoption is such a hard road, there seems to be so little support, and this is not to be undertaken lightly.

I think it’s really interesting hearing what people would like said. It’s not a universal. I know I felt very differently about my infertility than people I read on here. Different things annoyed me.

Exactly @Flapjackquack

If someone says they have lost their grandmother you wouldn’t say ‘well what should I say to them?’

Just ‘I am sorry to hear your grandmother has died’ is absolutely fine.

I agree, it’s super disrespectful. Firstly, because it presents adopted/foster kids as a last resort for those who can’t conceive. Secondly, it undermines the huge responsibility of being an adoptive parent/foster carer. It’s a full time job supporting a traumatised child and helping them, not an opportunity to plug a gap in your life with a convenient ready made child.

I also never see it reversed. It’s usually people who have had children themselves, and nobody ever says, ‘well you’ve got three kids. Why didn’t you adopt instead?’

To me being a foster carer or adoptive parent is a calling. You need to do it for all the right (generally altruistic) reasons, not because you couldn’t have a baby and think this is the next best thing.

Many people think adoption is an easy path, it's bloody hard and a friend of mine is still going through this process after months.

People say insensitive things, sometimes it's well meaning but many times thoughtless.

Sorry I hit YABU by accident, meant to press YANBU!

This angers me so much - people who haven't adopted/fostered themselves acting all self-righteous, not actually knowing what goes into the process and just how difficult it can be.

Also what's wrong with just being sympathetic to other people's situation if they can't conceive and offering them support, instead of feeling the need to throw questions like this around?

People on mumsnet are always saying this nonsense, as if everyone in Britain is emotionally constipated (plus badly dressed and unable to cook with naughty kids). Which ‘warmer climate’ cultures are full of people who would find it ignorant not to gabble nonsense at somebody who is suffering?

@gogohmm given the committees stance on societal benefits superseding individual ones were there also recommendations for information campaigns encouraging no natural conception until homes have been found for all needy children and free sterilisation for drug addicts/homeless. Or the committee deemed the responsibility for social issues such as children without homes is the sole responsibility of infertile couples?

did the committee have a similar stance on funding for other illnesses (infertility as I’m sure you know is an illness for which ivf is treatment)

Exactly. I hug all my friends. I am not sure how I am really sorry you are going through this, I am here for you is emotionally stunted but you should adopt is somehow better? Obviously our lack of vitamin D does something to stunt our emotional growth!

@Flapjackquack

It’s what I like to call ‘shut up sympathy.’ Like if someone’s depressed and you say ‘oh well you have so much to be thankful for! Why don’t you just try to be grateful!’

They aren’t really showing compassion or empathy, they’re just babbling sound bites because they want you to shut up. But apparently that’s so much better than actual compassion.

Yanbu. Adoption and fostering in the UK generally involve having an altruistic desire or at least willingness to help children who have experienced trauma, neglect, may have quite severe attachment issues or health issues to fasd or other substance abuse in pregnancy etc.

Its an incredibly difficult choice for people to make and utterly separate to struggles with fertility and trying to have a biological child of your own.

Don’t tell someone that you’re having trouble with fertility or conceiving if you don’t want them commenting.

Genuinely, what would be an appropriate comment in that situation?
That’s nice? Ok? Good for you? Oh dear?

I can’t think of anything that wouldn’t come across as offensive or insensitive.

Most people will try and be positive by clumsily saying something like you may get pregnant one day or that they know someone who has adopted etc.

If you tell someone about your problems whether its infertility or a bad hair day, it’s because you want them to respond.

If you get fed up with peoples responses then just don’t tell them.

I appreciate that you’re trying to educate people but I think most responses could come across as offensive.

I have had this said to me a few times...
The reason I'm sadly and regretfully not having a child is due to my poor mental health with the advice of my psychiatrist so I definitely couldn't adopt or foster...

I don't want a baby to be born addicted to my anti psychotic medication and I can't come off it plus I'm at risk of pre or post natal psychosis.
Then I also have poorly controlled epilepsy which is a risk in pregnancy.

The problem is that I don't like to give others the real reasons I don't have a baby so I can't give them the reason I can't adopt either.

I know I will regret not having children but the meds make me feel perfectly happy about life in general so I don't feel bad currently.

When I admit to people that sadly I can't have children then I just want sympathy/ support not 'suggestions'.

Completely agree, OP. IVF did eventually work for us, but if it hadn't, we wouldn't have pursued adoption/fostering: it just wouldn't have been the right thing for us.

Stop telling your friends who have had 5 miscarriages and 6 cycles of ICSI with Immunotherapy that they should just 'be happy' for the 47000 friends who announce they're pregnant after they've been trying for 2 weeks.

@CarefreeMe the problem is lots of people are nosy and ask if you've got children, especially when you work in a sociable job such as healthcare like me.
Colleagues & patients ask do you have children, I say sadly no, and I've learned to say I don't want to discuss it which can come across as rude.
Colleagues who don't know about my health struggles are also very nosy about why I only work part time etc and obviously I don't want to share that info either.

Too right.

I'm adopted myself, but didn't want to adopt. I wanted to bear and raise my biological children, not the traumatised offspring of drug addicts.

Why would “ I’m sorry to hear that, it must be so hard” come across as insensitive or offensive?

And usually people have said they are struggling in response to intrusive questioning. Peop,e don’t usually just come out with it, I know I never did. How do you think people should respond to intrusive questioning?

Anything that acknowlegdes the shit without trying to make it better. You wouldn't tell someone with cancer to "just relax and it will all get better" or something like that. It's bad news, I'm sorry.

Are you really incapable of responding appropriately when a friend confides that they’re struggling? How would you respond if your friend admitted they were struggling a bit financially, or had lost their job, or they were very unwell? Would you really not know any appropriate thing to say? Why would you think ‘good for you’ or ‘that’s nice’ are appropriate responses? Do you really struggle with normal human communication? If someone got in a car crash would you respond ‘yee haw howdy??!’

I’m sorry, that sounds so hard.
Is there anything I can do to help you/What can I do to help?
If you want to talk about it, please talk to me.
Do you want to tell me about it?

I honestly can’t believe some people get to adulthood without the extremely basic social skills my children have by age 10, such as comprehending what someone has said and selecting an appropriate response, to the point an adult is on mumsnet asking ‘well what am I supposed to say when a friend confided they are having trouble conceiving? That’s nice? Good for you?’

Those who are struggling with infertility generally don't go around announcing it.

It's usually always an answer to a question.
"So when are you having kids then?!"
"Don't you want children?"
"Don't you like kids?"
"You better have kids soon, your ovaries aren't getting any younger!"
"When am I getting a neice/nephew/grandchild?"

Family, friends and colleagues all ask - so some feel they HAVE to explain to get the hurtful, insensitive questions to stop. Not to open a dialogue.

You've asked what would be appropriate - please read the full thread for ideas as you're so stumped.

I feel sorry for you if you or your friends do not feel they can say to another friend, I am having a really shit time and expect a little bit of sympathy and support. It’s not healthy to bottle up everything negative that happens to you.

Are you really incapable of responding appropriately when a friend confides that they’re struggling? How would you respond if your friend admitted they were struggling a bit financially, or had lost their job, or they were very unwell?

I would say I’m very sorry to hear that but don’t worry things will get better, have you thought about X, Y, Z.

If a friend confided in me I wouldn’t just say ‘oh no that’s bad’ or ‘sorry to hear that’ as it’s completely shutting the conversation down and not offering any advice.
They wouldn’t have confided in you if they didn’t want to talk about it.

If a good friend came to you upset saying they’ve just lost their job would you genuinely just say ‘sorry to hear that’?

Also don’t hide your pregnancy until it’s blatantly obvious to any random stranger and then tell your infertile best friend (who is very happy for you) “I didn’t want your reaction to spoil my pregnancy”