Be honest, would you judge us for having another child?

[Callingmrssnow]

We have two DS, 8 & 10, one of whom has autism. We have always talked about having another child but the timing has never been right until now. Also, time is not on our side as I have just turned 39.

DS 2 has autism and is non verbal. I feel like people will judge us for having another child, family included. They will judge us because it will cause our lives to change and think that we are taking time away from our child who already has high needs.

I know all this. However, my DH and I dream of another but I can't help but think people will think we are past it and being selfish.

No judgement from me if the 2 of you are confident you can support another child

I wouldn’t judge you at all. I think someone would be pretty nasty to judge you.

I’d not judge you negatively but feel sorry for you with sleepless nights and a high needs child!

Also even if we did, it doesn’t matter. Some people judge no matter what. I personally think it would be nice for them both to have another sibling. You only have one life.

Nope

I would be honest and say it depends on how you are coping. If you are at the end of your tether and not really managing already, I would probably judge a little as you are then just adding more stress to your plate.

Also, with two already with autism isn't it pretty likely another would be the same? I would think that needs to be factored in too.

Yes, I would judge you and think "isn't life hard enough?!" But I also acknowledge that it's not black and white, and it does depend on the needs of your other children and the support you'll have etc

I wouldn't judge you. Not my place.

Have you considered that dc3 may also be autistic?

@EndlessRain only one child has autism, not both.

We are not at the end of our tether. We have a comfortable life and DS2 is pretty easy but this could change.

Not at all.

I wouldn't judge you, not at all.

I know someone in your situation and I would never tell them, but I do judge them. However, I wouldn't live your life based on what other people think.

Sorry, misread.

Then no, not really. Sounds fair enough.

My second has ASD. He is verbal but very strong level of support needed. Our boys are 16 and 12. I always wanted another still do, dp not so keen. Having thought about it for a while I decided that if we had another child with his level of ASD I don't think we could cope. On his worst days I cannot go to the bathroom without a meltdown or him attacking his older brother. If I had another child with his level of needs I would have no rime for my eldest or for myself.

My question is if you had another child with the same level of needs would you cope emotionally as a family? If so go for it if not that's your answer.

If you can financially, physically and emotionally support another child then no I wouldn’t judge. If you’re relying on others to manage now then yes I would.

Nope. Your family not mine.

It’s no-one else’s business. If you want another child, go for it. There was a woman at my DC’s primary school who had four children, all of whom had varying degrees of SN, from one in a wheelchair to one who had autism and was non-verbal. She looked like she didn’t get much sleep! I don’t think anyone judged her when she had the fourth. She clearly absolutely adored her children. I was in awe of her managing to get to school in the morning on time, with all the children clean and dressed, as I was always late with two.

I definitely wouldn't judge you.

But if I was in your position, I'd worry about being able to cope if DC3 also ended up with similar needs to DS2.

Having a child is always a selfish choice, whatever circumstances people are in. Worrying about that is a waste of time

Absolutely have another child! I wish you all the best.

At 39 you need to consider the impact of having multiples or a child who os severely disabled. Only you can decide what is in the best interests of every one in your family.

I wouldn't base my decision on what other people thought.

You said your child with ASD is easy. To me that means that lots of things in your life are helping/ working for your child. I would worry that a noisy, demanding baby/ child would perhaps unbalance family life for the worse. There's also the (higher) possibility of another child with additional needs. Do you think as a family you could cope with this?

No judgement here. My oldest is on the spectrum and I have three more after.
My cousin has a child with severe extra needs and one other child DD. His DD has often told my DC how lucky they are to have siblings because she will never have a relationship with her sibling. Maybe your child feels similar

Um, I guess there would be an element of judgement in that I would wonder why you wanted to start again when your children are 8 and 10 and you already have a lot to contend with (or at least that's how it seems). Also the impact of on your children with a new baby etc.

However quite frankly it's none of my business, nor anyone else's so you need to do what's right for you. At least you and your husband are on the same page!

I agree.

But just try and at least you know you’ve given your life you’re all.