Be honest, would you judge us for having another child?

[Callingmrssnow]

We have two DS, 8 & 10, one of whom has autism. We have always talked about having another child but the timing has never been right until now. Also, time is not on our side as I have just turned 39.

DS 2 has autism and is non verbal. I feel like people will judge us for having another child, family included. They will judge us because it will cause our lives to change and think that we are taking time away from our child who already has high needs.

I know all this. However, my DH and I dream of another but I can't help but think people will think we are past it and being selfish.

As some who has opted to stick at 2 (without additional needs) in order to be present enough for them, yes I would. I really don't understand why people do this.

Wanting another child is completely normal. I had my current ten month old at 43, three older siblings. Awareness is good and all but I must admit I’m a bit tired of all the scaremongering about perimenopause, hope I don’t live to eat eat words but I’m assuming I’ll continue to be able to function as a parent. Wishing you well whatever you decide.

Family that judges you for having a third wouldn’t be a family I’d be inclined to have much to do with. If at all

I think you would have probably been advised by professionals that very very likely to change as he goes in to teenage years and adult years

Or DC 1 might have 2 siblings with autism to look after.

I think it would be very, very unwise at your age.

You need to balance your wish for a third child against your wish to be a good parent to your children (however many you have).

In your shoes I think it would be too great a risk that a third child would adversely affect your ability to parent all your children well, even if (which is a significant risk) your third child wasn't autistic.

no I wouldn't. Why?

And I have a question for you. Would it be possible for you to detach from the fear of judgement?

I think the main thing is that your DH is on board...why are others' opinions important?

What you have to bear in mind is:

Can your family as a unit cope with a child with a higher level of need? At 39, with an autistic child already, this is a likelier outcome than it may have been 10+ years go.

and

Is it fair to your existing children, particularly the one without additional needs. Is it really, really fair to potentially leave them in a situation where they have two (possibly) disabled siblings to support in adulthood?

I wouldn't do it, based on the above.

Honestly I'd judge you both pretty harshly - it's a selfish choice.

As long as all of your children can be supported and their needs met, I see no reason for judgement

No I wouldn’t judge you based in the info you have given.

if I knew you were struggling with caring for the family already, then I might wonder why you made that choice. However nothing about what you have written makes me think you shouldn’t have another child.

I think by "judge" you mean disapprove. No I definitely wouldn't do that.

If you were my friend I wouldn’t judge as such but I do think you need to fully understand the risk of having another child with additional needs especially now you’re older and how that could affect your first child in particular. In some ways I’d be less worried about the second child as you’ll always have to prioritise their needs. It could be extremely tough for your eldest though having to deal with a sibling with additional needs and a baby or even tougher dealing with two siblings with additional needs.

I would be worried about the impact on your DS1 if DS3 also had additional needs. I wouldn't judge.

I would judge you, yes. From experience I note how the siblings are left to look after their brother or sister once the parents age/die.

I think it's incredibly selfish and not without risks as your next child could also have Autism. Then what life for DS1?

I wouldn't judge you as long as you can cope practically and financially

I have 2 DC of similar ages and youngest is also non-verbal autistic with high care needs. I would try not to judge but honestly thing it's a terrible idea for so many reasons already mentioned.

How is DC2 around small kids? Mine really doesn't like them, too noisy and unpredictable. He hides when they visit. One moving in would be torture. It's such a gamble and has so much potential to have a detrimental effect on your existing DC and you and DH.

Agree. But I don’t think she meant they’d be responsible for looking after her. More like making decisions about her care. And also she didn’t want her second child to feel like an only child

No and you need to do what you want. People if they do judge, never will tell you (unless they are rude) and frankly people have other things to think about.

I have more than two and a disabled child.

OP I have 3 kids. DC1 is autistic and has ADHD. He is verbal but incredibly hard work and had challenging behaviour. His meltdowns are violent and abusive. It's exhausting dealing with him and 2 younger kids. DC2 was planned but dc3 was a surprise. We had talked about it but decided given dc1 needs it was best not to have more kids but we got a lovely little surprise a while later.

My youngest 2 children are nuerotypical. They are pretty easy and very close though they have exhibited some learned behaviour from dc1. They play together a lot but the gap is only 2.5 years. However I am very aware that dc3 might have been autistic and very difficult too. We won't be having anymore kids.

I wouldn't judge you but I think you need to factor in things like how well you manage day to day, what will happen if your dc3 is disabled (can you cope and is it fair on your other kids) also do you get family support? We get virtually none at all but often the more kids you have the less help you often get. Can you cope financially, physically going back to the baby years etc and factor in the impact on your marriage. A 3rd child in my experience makes a huge difference though mine was a covid baby which made it much harder.

Autism has a strong genetic link, as does having a baby when you are older. You know the reality of that better than many of us on here and if you are happy to take what comes then it is no ones business but yours. Would I judge you, no. Would I do the same, absolutely not.

Each to their own. I suppose I would be wary. I'm lucky my 3 sen kids usually blend quite well but I have quite a bit of guilt over my less severe kids being neglected due to siblings needs.

There's also some horror stories on sen boards of two asd kids with opposite needs and being impossible to meet both.

No.

I also think that 39 is a really normal age to have a child. I don't find it old or unusual in the slightest.

I know lots and lots and lots of women who had kids in their late 30s, especially those with postgraduate degrees. The probability of having a child with a disability is higher but overall it's still low.

I can't believe that people here find 39 old. I'm pregnant now (in my 20s) and people always comment on how very young I am and most women in the classes I attend are 34-43.

Hi , I’m a mum to a now young adult autistic dc and took me a long time to have second one ( 13 years to be precise ) partly in fear of what other thought , I then went on to have another one ( just turned one ) aged 39 and I’m considering another .
Everyone here will tell you horrendous reasons not to have one but my advice is , if your life is stable , if you have the finances then you by not ? If people really are that shallow that they don’t have children in fear of autism , adhd or whatever the world can throw at them so be it . You will get a lot if people telling you “ what if the new baby also has autism , but my take on it is the fact you know what to expect means you have your eyes wide open , a lot more than those who never had to live with a child with special a needs .
My child loves having siblings , I think although it took a bit if his attention ( as it always does at least for a little while it also meant they gained a lot . Life is amazingly chaotic at times but full of love and my children never go without and are loved unconditionally

@Aiaichipsnpie Yes I think that's a good reason to have another child. A friend of mine has a sister with profound disabilities. It can be tough for her. I suspect she might benefit from having another sibling to share the load