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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Be honest, would you judge us for having another child?

508 replies

Callingmrssnow · 28/11/2022 13:02

We have two DS, 8 & 10, one of whom has autism. We have always talked about having another child but the timing has never been right until now. Also, time is not on our side as I have just turned 39.

DS 2 has autism and is non verbal. I feel like people will judge us for having another child, family included. They will judge us because it will cause our lives to change and think that we are taking time away from our child who already has high needs.

I know all this. However, my DH and I dream of another but I can't help but think people will think we are past it and being selfish.

OP posts:
PoseyFlump · 28/11/2022 13:19

@Callingmrssnow I'm not sure it was wise to start this thread. It's your choice alone and you don't need any negative comments getting into your head. FWIW I thought about a second child age 39 and I didn't do it. I'm too old and I regret it. One life, no regrets for you Flowers

zighead · 28/11/2022 13:19

I would think you were crazy tbh. You have no idea what either of your two will be like as teenagers and you could have another child with additional needs.

whataboutya · 28/11/2022 13:19

Hmm I'd like to say no I wouldn't judge you but I would think "rather them than me" but then I stopped at one child.
I have a friend who has three DC with additional needs aged 8 and under. She needs so much help with them her dad goes round every morning to help get the kids ready and she spends more time at her parents house with the kids than at her own. Her dad is getting on now and isn't as mobile as he used to be and she's now announced she's pg again with a much planned for baby. The mind boggles BUT not my circus not my monkeys.

millymog11 · 28/11/2022 13:20

Can you afford it in terms of

  • finances
  • resources in terms of caring for the children you already have
  • enough support/resources/extra help from family or help you pay for in the event of something unforeseen happening (eg the third baby also has special needs etc)
if the answer to the above is yes then of course go ahead and ignore what anyone will "judge" you for.
WhenDovesFly · 28/11/2022 13:20

It's none of our places to judge you OP. As long as you feel confident you can cope ok with the demands of a new baby plus a high needs older child then it's up to you. Taking into consideration your risk factors, you also have to think about how you'll manage if the new baby is born with special needs.

If you think you can cope, and the time is right, then it's no-one's business but yours and your husbands.

mac1974 · 28/11/2022 13:21

I think my main concern is if your 3rd child needs additional support is that going to put a strain on your family. It's a hard decision. I wouldn't judge you though.

chloboe · 28/11/2022 13:24

No judgment at all!! I always say if your thinking about having another baby.. DO IT! you will never ever regret having the little one once they're here, but in the future you could regret not having another baby x

nomcachange · 28/11/2022 13:24

I thought you were going to say you had 8 kids already. It wouldn’t even occur to me to ‘judge’ you for that! Go for it.

groundhoglet · 28/11/2022 13:26

I would but only because I think it'd be better for the planet if people stuck to two or fewer children. But I know that in practice the desire for a child is not a rational one.

Countdowntochristmasalready · 28/11/2022 13:27

I wouldn't judge you, I work with adults with ASD and comorbid conditions (Some of whom are nonverbal) and a lot of them have younger siblings and nobody thinks anything of it. I don't think it would ever cross my mind to think anything of it. We have had parents who are heavily pregnant drop their young adult (non-verbal) children off and the pregnancy is often a happy discussion for everyone.

When your child grows into adulthood you will probably be looking at increasing/changing support available and looking to longer term respite support or suitable accommodation regardless of whether you have a younger child or not. I would consider what it would mean to have a second child with similar needs would mean for your family (including your older DC), but then again - I am sure no one will understand the reality more than you do. Good luck whatever you choose.

OhmygodDont · 28/11/2022 13:29

I’d just think you was crazy going back to nappies again that’s all.

As long as you feel you can deal with and support all children including the possibility of a third upsetting the second and the third having a higher chance of having a disability or being third and fourth that’s your business really.

Ilovechocolatetoomuch · 28/11/2022 13:29

Our eldest has ASC he is in mainstream. He takes up a lot of our time and I’m always conscious his little bro misses out.
not judging at all as I always wanted 3 but I like the fact hubby and I can have one each so my other son gets to do nice things too.

2bazookas · 28/11/2022 13:29

DS 2 has autism and is non verbal. I feel like people will judge us for having another child, family included. They will judge us because it will cause our lives to change and think that we are taking time away from our child who already has high needs.

I'd be wondering when DS1 was going to get a look-in. They have needs too.

GingerPigz · 28/11/2022 13:29

Wouldn't judge at all as you are both onboard with the idea... but would say that older mums have a much higher chance of non identical twins so you might get more than you bargained for!

beachcitygirl · 28/11/2022 13:30

I think it's a good idea. It would mean your child with autism would have two siblings to support in later life

Tessabelle74 · 28/11/2022 13:30

I couldn't do it, but fair play to anyone that does. If you're both in agreement, go for it and good luck!

MontyK · 28/11/2022 13:31

chloboe · 28/11/2022 13:24

No judgment at all!! I always say if your thinking about having another baby.. DO IT! you will never ever regret having the little one once they're here, but in the future you could regret not having another baby x

I don't agree with this

butterfliedtwo · 28/11/2022 13:32

2bazookas · 28/11/2022 13:29

DS 2 has autism and is non verbal. I feel like people will judge us for having another child, family included. They will judge us because it will cause our lives to change and think that we are taking time away from our child who already has high needs.

I'd be wondering when DS1 was going to get a look-in. They have needs too.

This is what I'm thinking to be honest. A 3rd child could be high needs as well.

LolaButt · 28/11/2022 13:32

I wouldn’t judge, but having been the sibling of a disabled child and now adult, you really need to think of the impact on your other children.

Being brought up where your sibling is the centre of the family is really tough and I urge you to explore peoples experience of this.

MarmiteCoriander · 28/11/2022 13:32

Like others have said, I'd be concerned if the 3rd child also needed the same care needs or a different disability.

My 1st pregnancy was at 38 and the NIPT showed patau syndrome (trisomy 13). If you do TTC, discuss with your partner what choices you might make if other syndromes/issues were picked up.

My cousins 1st child has severe autism and goes to a special school. She was already pregnant before his diagnosis was known. She said that had she known, she would have held off TTC as it was such hard work. She has since had a 3rd baby and is coping really well with alot of family support.

butterfliedtwo · 28/11/2022 13:33

beachcitygirl · 28/11/2022 13:30

I think it's a good idea. It would mean your child with autism would have two siblings to support in later life

That's not a given and also not a great reason to have a child under any circumstances.

Rainbowpurple · 28/11/2022 13:35

No judgement but with your advanced age now plus ASD on the card with the sibling, I would think carefully about the best decision for your family.

ReneBumsWombats · 28/11/2022 13:35

I'd just wonder why on earth you'd want to. But if you can cope with it, it's up to you.

LolaButt · 28/11/2022 13:36

beachcitygirl · 28/11/2022 13:30

I think it's a good idea. It would mean your child with autism would have two siblings to support in later life

This is exactly what my parents thought. We ended up as carers from age 8 and will be carers forever.

It’s intrinsically selfish to have a child for its siblings to take on the strain knowingly. Life happens and siblings get ill etc, but to knowingly do that to your existing children is questionable.

plinkypots · 28/11/2022 13:36

I'd judge. What if you end up with a higher needs autistic child? Your age increases your risk. Already having a child with autism increases your risk. How would life look for DS1 with two profoundly autistic siblings? I wouldn't worry about random people on the Internet judging- I'd worry about adult DS1 judging you.