Be honest, would you judge us for having another child?

[Callingmrssnow]

We have two DS, 8 & 10, one of whom has autism. We have always talked about having another child but the timing has never been right until now. Also, time is not on our side as I have just turned 39.

DS 2 has autism and is non verbal. I feel like people will judge us for having another child, family included. They will judge us because it will cause our lives to change and think that we are taking time away from our child who already has high needs.

I know all this. However, my DH and I dream of another but I can't help but think people will think we are past it and being selfish.

I’d probably think you were bonkers but it’s your life, not mine.

But what other people are concerned about is that they don't have the capacity to be present and loving parents to three children one with special needs and the other two with completely different needs. People are concerned that her oldest child will be neglected by having a baby/toddler sibling. That is her life and her business, and she has to take into consideration how her current children will be affected by having another child added into the mix. It's not as easy as saying go for it and don't give a fuck about anybody else. Sure it doesn't matter what Sue up the road thinks, but it could completely change the life of her two boys, and not for the better.

You do what is right for your family , how would you feel if DC 3 also had autism ? I've seen a few families go on to put the disabled child into residential care when new siblings come along. It becomes too difficult to manage everything. If you have a good support network go for it for me it would be too much to juggle.

what about your non autistic child?
are they keen?
would they be affected?
is it just because you are 39?

Are you and your DH confident you will cope without practical or financial support from your family? If so, it's no one's business but your own. However if you fall into the camp that believes grandparents and family members should provide you with help with childcare or babysitting, or have a family you know would feel obliged to help you, then I think its only fair to take their views into consideration.

Who gives a flying camel what other people think? It is decision for you and your H.

I don't think you should worry about what strangers or even extended family think, but I do think you need to seriously consider your exsisting children.
You have one with high needs and another who is (through no fault of anyone's) no doubt getting much less time and attention that is ideal, even adding a NT sibling would take away even more time away from them and if you had a ND child, then I think both your children will loose out massively.

If you can financially, physically and emotionally support another child then no I wouldn’t judge. If you’re relying on others to manage now then yes I would.

Yes this.

Also, how would you cope if your third child has additional needs? At age 39 the risk is a lot higher than for a younger mother.

I Wouldn't judge you but my son also has autism and is non verbal and has a high level of need ,could you cope with a second child with comp!ex needs ?

Im also 39 m, my eldest ds7 diagnosed autism he’s at a special school and behaviourally he is very challenging with complex high needs, I went on to have ds4 and dd2 both neurotypical. I really didn’t care what people thought as in my mind as my family grow I would like to think they will be there to support each other. Im very lucky my husband and I work as a team helping each other which makes a big difference. I got all of the ‘you’ll have your hands full’ ‘you must be mental’ ‘how are you going to cope?!’ etc comments and lost a few so called friends along the way (good riddance to them! Haha!) but I’ve also made some amazing new ones too :) and to be honest with you some days/nights it’s so very hard but when we have the good days it’s definitely so worth all the hard work :)
I’m now back working part time which I love and started volunteering at a local mums support group each week whilst my 3 are either in school or nursery. having all my children was the best decision and they all adore each other :) I’d say having dd has been very good for my autistic son as he’s learnt how to be gentle and caring around little ones now (he used to be very rough and aggressive) my dd was born at the start of lockdown too which was so hard as had zero support and my hubby was still working full time but I’d still do it over again.
good luck with whatever you decide OP but please don’t make that decision based on what others think xxx

Actually your non autistic child will need you during their teenage years, so bear that in mind too. How keen are they on a baby in the family?

Ds has non verbal autism. As he has got older he has had an issue with the noise and unpredictability of young children.
I wouldn't judge you but it isn't a risk I would take.

Yes, my only sibling is severely disabled and I love her but it’s not a “normal” sibling relationship. I would have really liked to have had another sibling growing up tbh.

How much time and attention does your 'easy' child get? Only you and your child know if there are enough resources within your family for your existing children, and how that will look when divided again.

39 is not past it and I loathe the ageism of Mumsnet types.I would say however, why? You might have a child who ends up with the responsibility of his older sibling and yes I actually am going to challenge you.People without kids get challenged all the time and judged.
.In an over populated world with many kids without resources and many children with complex issues, why are you considering having another one when you already have one with autism?Why do you think that you need one? Do you want a so called 'normal' child to balance out the family situation for the other child? You cannot be bored.
Do you think it will bring you and your husband closer?Do you enjoy the fuss and attention of being pregnant?Do you see the working world and not want to be part of it or are you not working? Do you really want to put more strain on your family?
I am judging you because in a way it is my business because we are not islands.One person's choice may not appear to impact another's but in a global sense beyond the Mumsnet world, it does.I would focus on your existing family.

I have one child with autism. She is very easy as these things go, an absent minded professor type. I am thankful every single day that she does not have a younger sibling and we do not have to balance her needs with the needs of another child. I can set the rules and structures of our home in a way that is ideal for launching her into her best life. If she had another sibling, there would have to be compromises to meet the needs of both children.

I think knowingly that you could well have another child with autism I couldn't do it personally. Not when you have 2 DC already.

No judgement from me at all, I'm currently holding my third baby who is 9 weeks old. My children have no additional needs however that we know of but you sound like you are coping fine. I would say though that when pregnant I was judged ALOT by others including midwives and nurses. Apparently three is not the done thing these days...I have thick skin thankfully but it was fairly annoying at times. Just warning you that if you go for it be prepared to roll your eyes alot 😂

Goodluck OP 😊

It would depend if you were already relying on me for anything, or planning to be. Or if relying on me in any way would become much more likely as a result of your choice.

Otherwise it is none of my business.

@Callingmrssnow
could you cope with another high needs child?

what financial provision have you made for long term care of DC2 (and would this stretch to a high needs DC3?) so that DC1 is not burdened once you and DH are no longer able to provide care?

I would not.

Things to think about:

Your age, you are going to hit perimenopause soon, can you cope with that.
As others have said, what if your child has also high needs
Financially, you are comfortable, if either of you became ill, would you cope with less income
The impact on your first child, having to split what time he was given between 2 other siblings
Your wants over needs. Do you need another child?
Yes, I would wonder why you were not content with the children you have been given, why they are not enough for you, what will another give you, that the 2 you have do not.

I really disagree with this, that's a terrible reason to have a child.

But I don't think at all that's why the OP is thinking of having a third. I wouldn't judge, but I think you need to be confident that you could provide sufficient support (emotional, physical, financial) to three on the basis of the third potentially having at least as many additional needs as your current DS2, including some wiggle room for either of your two current DC needing extra support.

So long as you are happy that should a third DC also need extra support, that you can provide this without detriment to your existing DC, more power to you and go for it!

My general view is that people should only have as many DC as they can fully provide for. Obviously you don't know what's round the corner and situations can change, but if you knowingly brought a third DC into a situation where caring for them was to the detriment of existing DC, I probably would judge a bit.

Honestly, yes. But would never say anything. It's your decision and you will have to live with the consequences. If you were a friend, had a 3rd and then complained about it I would get fed up I think!