Be honest, would you judge us for having another child?

[Callingmrssnow]

We have two DS, 8 & 10, one of whom has autism. We have always talked about having another child but the timing has never been right until now. Also, time is not on our side as I have just turned 39.

DS 2 has autism and is non verbal. I feel like people will judge us for having another child, family included. They will judge us because it will cause our lives to change and think that we are taking time away from our child who already has high needs.

I know all this. However, my DH and I dream of another but I can't help but think people will think we are past it and being selfish.

The children are 8 &10. Like yours. DS2 means the second child rather than he's two. I think anyway.

I can't see how that would be best for your family. Disruption for your autistic child, even less attention for your non-autistic child. The baby might be a delightful unifier, or he or she might release havoc, your eldest would feel neglected and your second child would hate the chaos, maybe even be violent.

I wouldn't judge you exactly, but I think it would be a major risk of making life much harder rather than improving it.

People will judge you no matter what. Do what makes you happy!

Just to give a different perspective - DS1 is neurotypical, DS2 is autistic . I’ve been judged and called selfish for not having a third child, so that DS1 would have a neurotypical sibling to support each other and support our autistic child in later years. The phrase “sharing the burden” was used.

so people will judge you whatever you do. In particular people who have no understanding of SEN, autism or how having a neurodivergent child affects the whole family are going to judge you. So you may as well do whatever you want!

I’ve got 2 kids and have pretty much ruled out a 3rd (I’d be at least 36 when they were born) because I feel that the risk of additional needs or multiples and impact on my health and the lives of my existing children is greater than my desire for a third child. If one of my kids already had additional needs and I had an increased risk of a third having additional needs it would be an absolute no brainer for me.

I know it wasn’t knowingly. But having a third child would be knowingly wouldn’t it.

I wouldn’t judge you but it’s not a choice I would make. In fact I had to make the choice last year when I found out I was pregnant on the coil. I absolutely wanted a third child and have always thought I would but when it came down to it, against what I truly wanted for myself I terminated. I will forever be heartbroken but I made that decision based on a few reasons. My dc with autism has become more challenging with age, I’m not trying to put you off at all it’s your decision but you need to consider the research that suggests that this is the case in a lot of people. My dc is high functioning and verbal but we have still had to pay out for private interventions and treatments that are not offered on the Nhs, often costing thousands. I still have to attend meetings, appointments etc extra than you do with other children and there is a degree of work involved in communicating with school and various professionals and filling out forms so her needs are met. My time is already stretched with 2 and work and I want to spend quality time with mine. My autistic dc does require a higher level of time and energy than I expected and I want to be able to give her that as she deserves it. Her needs have and do impact on her sibling and I want to be able to fully support her and make time for her to compensate.
while we absolutely would have coped with another and we would have been ok financially my autistic dc is already disadvantaged and I decided I want to pool all my energy, time and resources into lessening that disadvantage. Instead of splitting it 3 ways I chose to give the extra to her and her sibling of course. further to this, autism is hereditary and I was cautious if I had another dc with sen how would that impact both my current dc and if the babies needs were more challenging how would that change our family.
Turned out I was pregnant with twins which made it all the more difficult.

so while I’m not trying to sway you, in your shoes no I wouldn’t have another dc. Up until about 7 my autistic dc was a breeze but that’s rapidly changed and you just never know. I wouldn’t judge you but I would caution you to think very carefully here.

I wouldn't judge but I'd worry for you guys.
For your oldest - their time with you is already compromised to some extent. You will reduce it further with another child.
For you - toddlers in your 40s are a whole other ball game. The tiredness that hits and the effects of the menopause need to be factored in.

I think I would be surprised but not judge. If both children had additional needs and you had another then I probably would judge as the chances of the third having SEN would be high too.

I would nevery miss-judge you or, any of one else for having another child, because the choice is yours and your family's.

It completely disregulated my stepchild with ASD when we had a baby. Previously all had been going well and the specialist education provider was working out well. However, it all changed for the worse for about 8 years once baby came along. Be prepared you're taking a leap into the unknown.

When you're on your deathbed looking back at your life you'll probably be more glad for the things you did for yourself, rather than to avoid the judgment of other people.

It's your life. It's up to you x

Of course I wouldn’t judge you. If you have capacity for o support another child then you should go for it. You can’t live your life based on what other people think, why care about that?

How is ds2 around noise and babies/toddlers. Would it be distressing for him. How would it work eg can he wait while you feed baby and would he be safe with baby if you went to loo.
I suspect you may end up tag teaming - one with ds2 and one with dc3 and eldest overlooked no 1-1 time, no parents evening, no dad taking him to the football etc.

I can understand the urge to have a third child. We did it, it’s so hard and that’s without a child with additional needs.

How does your DC2 cope with loud noises and changes to routine? Could he be trusted with a baby or a toddler? My guess is it will divide the family. You and DH will have to zone mark a child each and DC1 will have to make do.

I’m sorry, but I can’t see any positives for having another child. The age gap is too big for it to be beneficial to your DC1 and you will be pulled in three directions.

If you want to do it then do it, now, there's no time to wait. Don't give a flying fuck what other people think, it's not their life or their business x

Crosspost but my thoughts exactly

No judgement here. I know someone who’s 2nd child has high needs and they had a 3rd child specifically so the 1st child wouldn’t be alone looking after their sibling once the parents died. They are a very happy and loving family despite the tiredness and logistics of a child with high needs.

I'm sorry OP, but i personally feel that it is very selfish and unfair for a baby to be brought into a family which already has a severily disabled child.

It is very very hard to grow up in the shade of a special needs sibling who takes up a disproportionate amount of the family's resources of time, money, patience, emotional availability. Not to mention that the burden of caring for them once you are gone will most likely fall on their shoulders, even though they haven't asked or consented...
Plus, there's an increased risk of the new baby also being autistic.

Yes and no.

What if the third child also has high needs? How would you then manage?

I don’t tend to judge people, so no I wouldn’t.

However if you asked me what I’d do in your shoes, I be a bit concerned if I could look after another child.

This... you need to consider what its best for the potential sibling too, not just what is best for the existing kids.

It's nowhere near ideal to be born into a family with a severly disabled sibling. Can be a very lonely and frustrating experience...

Genuine question from a woman who has never wanted children. Why do you want another child? What's it about? Is it a response to a ticking clock — a now-or-never situation?

How much less time and input is your oldest going to have once you're distracted not just by a non-verbal autistic sibling but a baby and then a toddler? How will number three feel about growing up with such a large age-gap between siblings? My sister's children, born 10 years apart, don't have much of a relationship because of the gap and because the youngest grew up having to deal with the elder's adolescent tantrums.

It's not just your wants, is it? It's the lives of two, potentially three, other individuals.

I know two couples who have had a child in their 40s. Both of them already had children who were grown up and teenagers at the time. A few people wondered why they would want to go all the way back to the start by having a newborn and sleepless nights and basically loosing freedom all that they had just started to get back really

Both couples seem happy though and in fact one of them has went on to have yet another child in their forties.

As you say you and your husband both want another child and you can afford to have one so I say just do what you want who cares what anyone else thinks.

If you have one with ASD then there is a higher chance you will have another. Could you cope with another child with ASD should that happen?