Be honest, would you judge us for having another child?

[Callingmrssnow]

We have two DS, 8 & 10, one of whom has autism. We have always talked about having another child but the timing has never been right until now. Also, time is not on our side as I have just turned 39.

DS 2 has autism and is non verbal. I feel like people will judge us for having another child, family included. They will judge us because it will cause our lives to change and think that we are taking time away from our child who already has high needs.

I know all this. However, my DH and I dream of another but I can't help but think people will think we are past it and being selfish.

She's saying that "normal" is definitely not the right word to describe a child without a disability.

Re read the post and you will what the post was actually what she was asking (is it the right word to describe a NT child as “normal”)

Everyone seems to assume autistic people are very violent . My child now 19 violent actions can be counted by the fingers of my hands , 99% during the teen years ( hormones are hard with every teen and even harder as a non verbal autistic one ) , mostly towards me in the form of smacking me in the back due to frustration ( use to happen twice a week if that at age 14 to 15 , thankfully not awfully hard and he would realise his actions and apologise within 30 second ) Mostly my DC would get upset and throw remotes , literally I went through dozens of sky remotes . But was a stage , now a much more mellow personality . I think my situation is a bit differently as my child was a teen when my middle child was born and my youngest is almost 1 year old so I already knew at least partly how he would react .
Thankfully DC adores his sisters and has he got older he understands and accepts much better changes around him . Others probably think my life is super hard ( work kids partner home , always on the go ) but I love the craziness of it all . If I was a bit younger I would even go for a 4th .

Ha sorry my bad , no it’s not the right way you are very right .

Of course I understand it can be. I also know siblings who have experienced less trauma with their sibling who have ongoing issues. My kids don’t. Sorry I can’t magic up issues for them. There are no hidden issues. My point is that it isn’t a given as many in here seem to think, not that it isn’t possible.

Probably helps that my son’s needs were so great services had to act.

Oh my quote in the above post didn’t come out. It was about me not understanding how traumatising it can be (which I do, obviously).

@Wiluli your cognitive dissonance is amazing.

You say My child now 19 violent actions can be counted by the fingers of my hands

but then also smacking me in the back due to frustration ( use to happen twice a week if that at age 14 to 15

smacking is absolutely violence. Throwing things is also violence.

The way you minimise it tell me you are seriously downplaying the degree to which your younger ones were also affected. And remember, witnessing violence and living without a sense of security is also traumatic. You don't necessarily have to be on the receiving end of it.

Totally get this. A family that comes through certain situations are a family to fucking behold.

@Wiluli
Everyone seems to assume autistic people are very violent . My child now 19 violent actions can be counted by the fingers of my hands , 99% during the teen years ( hormones are hard with every teen and even harder as a non verbal autistic one ) , mostly towards me in the form of smacking me in the back due to frustration ( use to happen twice a week if that at age 14 to 15 , thankfully not awfully hard and he would realise his actions and apologise within 30 second )

so is it less than a handful of times
or
2x a week at points in teenage years?

Oh but those instances don't count because they didn't smack her "too hard" 🙄

Unless it leaves you black and blue, it's not violence in @Wiluli's world.

So misleading...

Thank you @kateandme that’s a lovely thing to say.

Don’t be an asshole , I know plenty of NT kids with a much worse temper than my child ever had during their teen years and nowhere did I say it was the whole year I said between those ages .
Your ableism is showing !
And off course they count but they were by no means awful or impossível to deal with as some ( like you ) like to make others believe . They were also not traumatic in any way to me or anyone else.

My parents don't know the half of what I've been through or how I feel about lots of stuff that happened in my childhood or how it affects me today.

You are really not in a position to say that your other children weren't and aren't traumatised by what they went through.

I understand that you all have a laugh about it. I do this with some of my worst experiences too. It's quite common. You don't know how they feel or how it affects them. They are doubtless as a result of those experiences both 1. Good at hiding trauma and 2. Want to protect you from knowing what it was really like for them.

You say you can't "magic up trauma". Really, you can't "magic it away" either. Children, particularly those who grow up in violent frightening homes around bigger people they can't control, are very very good at masking.

You only read what you wanted , o said I was in a different position as I only had my youngest when my oldest was a teen , so no siblings

@BloodAndFire And with respect you do not know my family or how we interact or the conversations we have had.

DS1 was not violent - he was/is aggressive when distressed. And that did not happen until he was older. There was no intent (hence not violence) and they have a very good understanding of distress and communication disorders. They have had some training around distress & stress training and they can attend that again any time they want. It’s the same training my son’s support workers get. Ds1 never physically hurt them as we were able to protect them.

anyway this thread was about 1 vs 2 siblings and in all the above 2 was a help imo.

Living in a house where it is routine for an older sibling to hit your mother and to throw and destroy things is traumatic and makes for a very shitty childhood (whether or not there are special needs involved), no matter how you spin it.

The fact you insist your younger kids have not been affected by this is simply preposterous.

And if this view makes me an asshole, so be it...

Do you know how to read ? I clearly say it’s a different experience as my children were only born when he was a teen . So they cannot possibly be affected as they were not here yet

But your oldest was 15 when the second one came along. Which means you planned a pregnancy while these violent incidents were still routine. How did you know they would stop? How did you know the baby would be safe?

Is it just me that thinks why would anyone want children when the future is so uncertain? Climate change, political unrest etc. I worry what the world will be like in 50 years time, if we will halt climate change and if so, how? I have grandchildren age 9 and 11 and worry about their futures all the time. Sorry to be so dark but it’s the reality.

This. I wouldn’t judge because one if your kids have autism. I’d judge cause I would think 2 kids is more than enough considering I think there are too many people on the earth already.

My ASD son has never been violent. When he was little he used to have meltdowns but a child psychologist taught me how to deal with him (think Supernanny) and it took some work but it was so effective he grew up to be thoughtful and gentle. He has enormous empathy, and literally wouldn’t hurt a fly.

I completely agree with you. I think having children is utterly selfish at the best of times but I really wonder about people who look around the world today and think ah I know, I will satisfy my own selfish desires and make another person to have to suffer it.

Have you noticed the name of this website?

And ? I knew my child better than anyone else . He was never violent until that stage , he had a great psychologist at this stage great support and we all knew for a fact it was a phase and hormones . And I was 100% right , he is mellow , wonderful and very patient with me his siblings and the rest of the family . What sort of world do you live in that makes you think a disabled child or adult deserve less or those around gain nothing from them ? You had your own experience which I gather was very bad and I’m truly sorry you feel so much resentment but for sure you realise that’s not the norm ?

Most asd adults and young adults are not violent , some go through stages as young children due to frustration and some have incidents during their teen years . But most are not violent adults . Yes I know a few who are violent and some extremely violent but far from being the majority .