Be honest, would you judge us for having another child?

[Callingmrssnow]

We have two DS, 8 & 10, one of whom has autism. We have always talked about having another child but the timing has never been right until now. Also, time is not on our side as I have just turned 39.

DS 2 has autism and is non verbal. I feel like people will judge us for having another child, family included. They will judge us because it will cause our lives to change and think that we are taking time away from our child who already has high needs.

I know all this. However, my DH and I dream of another but I can't help but think people will think we are past it and being selfish.

I would think this too.

What's going to happen to DS2 when you and your partner are dead? Is there enough money to cover high quality care for him for the rest of his life? Is there enough money to provide the same for your third child should they also be profoundly disabled?

It's your choice but have you considered how you'd cope if the baby was also SEN?

I don't know that I would judge you necessarily other than perhaps from the environmental point of view, but I would feel sorry for your oldest as he won't get much attention at all through his tween/teen years with a toddler and non-verbal brother to contend with. So from the perspective of your existing children I wouldn't think it was wise or kind, but it is impossible to know for sure how it will all pan out.

I would. As someone with an autistic sibling, I spent my childhood getting far less than my fair share of everything, even with my parents best intentions. I was the oldest, if my parents had had a 3rd child once my sibling's needs had been well established I would have been utterly furious.

I wouldn't judge you because I don't know the ins and outs of your circumstances. If I were in your situation though, if one child had such high needs, i would question whether I really would have enough quality time for the two other children? Or would they always be playing second fiddle to their brother?

If course not! If you think you can do it. And I wouldn't judge you either if you say that's it's hard once the baby's there!

I’ve a friend whose eldest child has sever special needs and will require care her whole life. Her issues only became apparent after her second child was born. People judged them when they had a third but their thought was that they wished for DS2 to have another sibling so that they would support each other as adults with a special needs sister whose care arrangements they will one day be responsible for. She didn’t want one child to have to carry that responsibility alone.

No judgment whatsoever from me !

However I always ( wrongly ) assume that anyone who has two of the same sex is trying to the opposite sex though 😆 which is ridiculous because I have two boys and would love a third boy !

No judgement but I’d wonder the impact on your dc1 if dc2 already requires a lot of input. But maybe that isn’t the case.

Have you thought about how your DS with Autism will cope with the arrival of a new baby? The crying, the changes to family routines, your attention being diverted? How about when the baby becomes a toddler and is noisy, tantrums and has no concept of personal space? Many NT children find it hard to adjust to having a new sibling but for a ND child this will be more challenging.

Judge you? no
Think it's a wise decision? no
Would I have a third in your situation? also no

What are you really asking here OP? Do you want opinions or do you want to be told no one will 'judge' you?

Crikey that’s a huge assumption from the parents! Siblings aren’t responsible for each other.

Other people's judgement should be the last thing on your list of considerations. Shouldn't be there at all in fact. The fact it is there suggests it isn't other people's judgements you're worried about it's that you might be about to make a bad decision you can't reverse. For that reason I would give it a bit more thought. If you end up not having another how will you feel?

Not at all. It sounds like you’ve got enough love for everyone in your family more and still more to give. That’s beautiful!

I wouldn’t necessarily judge you. However, do you really want to go back to the baby stage again? I’m 43 and just couldn’t imagine it now.

I would judge.

I wouldn’t judge but I’d not think it was wise. Two children one with additional needs. I’d be concerned dc3 would have a disability or additional needs.
How would being pregnant look? Could you still care for ds2 eg run if he bolts. Is he physical with you. What if you were put on bed rest.
After baby born with newborn - impact in dc 1 and 2. Eg if you need c section and can’t drive do they miss activities.
DC 1 needs your time. Especially if he’s off to secondary school yr 7 often need support whilst they find their feet.
How would family life look? I’d imagine days out and holidays are tricky anyway but add a toddler too.
Finances. Can you afford mat leave? Children get more expensive - secondary uniform, school trips etc.

I would judge you. 2 is young and the differences between asd and nt not as noticeable. It will change over the years.

I had dd 2 when dd1 turned 2. Dd1 became increasingly difficult and was later diagnosed with asd. Had I known this would happen, I would have at least delayed ttc for a couple of years. It was so difficult balancing the needs of 2 small dc. A bit easier now they are 8 and 10. Dd1 is very verbal and in mainstream school but her condition has a big impact on our family life.

Definitely nothing to be ashamed of. My mum had twins and then myself 9 years later and she felt really embarrassed at the time but she was only 30 and now regrets feeling that way. My auntie also had her 3rd baby in her 40's her first two have a huge gap with the 3rd. If you and DH can cope and clearly want a third, then go for it!

I’d think you were fools.

I wouldn't judge but in your shoes I wouldn't risk another with autism .

@LolaButt but they didn't do it knowingly, their second child had sen.
Perhaps they don't want to leave dc1 alone feeling responsible.
Oh and by the way I don't mean in a caring for or day to day respect. I mean in an emotional support way.
Siblings can't or shouldn't be assumed to be carers, but eventually parents will die and in this case dc1 would be the only one left with a sen sibling.
Even emotionally that's a big deal.

Potentially. It depends on how you currently cope. And could you cope with another child with similar needs. Ultimately it’s not my business

I think it’s a silly idea and you’re not thinking rationally. It’s probably unlikely you’ll have another child with classic autism but they’re likely to be on the spectrum somewhere.

Ive made some rubbish decisions so wouldn’t judge exactly, but you’d have twenty (possibly horrendous) years ahead of you. What if something happens to one of you? What if you separate? I don’t see how a baby could possibly improve your life.