To wonder why I am not a likeable person?

[Malteaser999]

What am I doing wrong? I am a nice person to everyone, I'm polite, I compliment my 'friends/acquaintances' new hair, new nails, nice clothes (without ever receiving anything back might I add), I'm a good colleague, I'm polite, I never show when I'm having a bad day at work, I'm a people pleaser .. I would say I take pride in my appearance and I am clean and presentable!! .. Yet I have absolutely no real friends and am constantly left out of everything? I only have a handful of friends who I have noticed meet outside of work (meals out, visit each others houses etc) but I am never invited.. I have even had them discuss their plans stood right infront of me when I thought I was part of their friendship group! I have also just found out two colleagues are meeting for lunch (one I have known for years and the other colleague is new) .. I sit in my car alone to eat lunch.

I think I am a good friend and always check in/offer to be there when needed - I have never once had that in return.

To add - I have even dropped into conversation how lonely I am and still I can see things being planned around me without any invite

AIBU to ask what on earth I am doing wrong and why am I never invited along to anything?! What is it about me that I need to do differently?!

How old are you? Did you have friends at school/University?

Btw, don't think it's something wrong with you. It can just be a mismatch of personalities.

It’s hard to say. Possibly coming across as too try hard or clingy. Giving vibes you don’t want to join in eg eating lunch in car - why not eat with everyone else.
Try joining groups to find likeminded individuals or volunteer.

What are you passionate about? What can you debate/discuss with passion and enthusiasm? Being polite and a "people pleaser" are not qualities that automatically make you someone people want to spend time with unless there's some mutual interests.

What sort of a friend do you think you are? What qualities do you look for in a friend and do you think you replicate those? Your post is very focused on a lot of quite superficial niceties you think you display, which don’t really say anything about who you are as a person. Most people like to spend time with people who they feel they can have a good time with, who make them feel comfortable, make them laugh, make them feel happy. Being polite at work and taking pride in your appearance are great to help you get by; they aren’t friendship-grabbing qualities in themselves.

It sounds like you might be coming across as a bit aloof and, dare I say it, a bit negative if you’re openly telling people you don’t know very well how lonely you are: some people will take that as a warning sign that you might be clingy or want to moan to them, and back off. Are there any groups you could join where you’d have an opportunity to display your real personality, best qualities and what makes you happy more to others because you’d be doing something you enjoy and meeting likeminded people?

Well it's rather hard to say as we don't know you. I wonder if maybe you are trying to hard? Based on your post? Maybe all the people pleasijng and compliments comes across a little annoying?

I'd say maybe try relax with it all. If your current relationships aren't really developing try making some new ones. Easier said than done I know, but no use flogging a dead horse.

Do you have an interests or clubs you could go to? Shared interests is allways a good basis for friendship.

Do you ask people if they want to go for lunch/catch a drink after work/go see a movie etc? I've found the way to make friends and friendship groups is to be pro active and organise stuff

I would try inviting them somewhere. Maybe to somewhere for lunch, or a drink after work.

I'm a bit like you I think, do most of those things but haven't ever had a lot of friends. The thing is friendship is about the rapport you have with someone and that's usually something that just happens. It's a match of personalities and some people are just born with more appealing personalities. You can work on it by working on your social skills etc but to a certain extent it's just how it is.

Even you must feel that towards others sometimes, a person hasn't done anything wrong and they are nice, they are fine to work with or do a hobby with but you just don't feel drawn to spend extra time with them and be friends with them outside that.

Do you invite people to do things with you?

They are my friends who I confide in and tell them I am lonely, not just anyone (I may have worded that wrong) - and I don't tell them constantly which comes across needy I have just dropped into conversation a few times about how I'm feeling

If it’s work friendships then most people are busy with own lives I’d cast net wider.

The other thing is people generally like to be taken an interst in. So ask them questions and have conversations based on that. I wouldn't necessarily feel like being best makes with someone complimenting my hair, but if that person maybe asked a little about my life and it turned out we had a few things in common, that's a pretty good start. You need to find a way to build up real conversations with people.

If you have friends that's good isn't it? I think if you are like us, to some extent you have to come to accept yourself. OK maybe you won't have 100 friends to invite to a milestone birthday, but you have some friends that you can talk to. That's not nothing.

I do this.. it's one of those thing where we say it will happen but it never does. I just think to myself maybe they don't want to hence why I get left out of things.. so I tend not to ask!

"I'm polite, I never show when I'm having a bad day at work, I'm a people pleaser".
"I have absolutely no real friends"

Maybe you don't have real friends because you're not being real. Just be yourself. People will like you for you really are, warts and all. You don't have to try so hard to be perfect.

Do you drive/access to good public transport? If you always need a lift then it’s a hassle to invite you for example.

I see what’s missing is showing a genuine interest in them, your post is all,about you, you tell them you’re lonely you are polite and compliment them, never complain, but at no point do you say I show a genuine interest in them,

Do you ask questions ie show interest in their lives? I have noticed that a lot of people don't bother to show any interest in the people around them while they are happy to natter on about themselves. I find people like that very dull. It's very attractive when another person makes an effort to show interest in you by asking a few questions and listening when you respond.

See that's interesting because I think it's usually the opposite, I think people are drawn to people who talk about interesting things and have a lot to say, who can entertain them a bit.

But I agree that being a people pleaser isn't necessarily pleasing to people ironically.

I do do this... I feel like it's mostly me asking them, hearing all about their life and what they've done .. but it never turns into a conversation where they ask anything about me.. the complimenting is just generally if someone is wearing something particularly nice (I'm into fashion/beauty) then I will say it

I'd work on yourself, find something you enjoy doing, join some different social groups, not necessarily with the intention to make friends, just pick stuff you will like and if you don't know what you like, experiment.
When you have other things to focus on and aren't so invested in 'being liked and accepted' the the friends usually follow.

You do sound nice OP, I would say verging slightly to being a bit of a martyr.

Martyrs can be a bit tedious, if you were my friend I'd rather you be real even if that means not being thoughtful and "perfect" all the time.

Real people, who can be bitchy, sharply funny, irritated , ranty etc, are more interesting (imo) and then when the softer side comes out it also feels more genuine!

But we all look for different things in friends and finding your people is not easy.

This is hard to not be like this because I genuinely am polite and like to please people ...