To wonder why I am not a likeable person?

[Malteaser999]

What am I doing wrong? I am a nice person to everyone, I'm polite, I compliment my 'friends/acquaintances' new hair, new nails, nice clothes (without ever receiving anything back might I add), I'm a good colleague, I'm polite, I never show when I'm having a bad day at work, I'm a people pleaser .. I would say I take pride in my appearance and I am clean and presentable!! .. Yet I have absolutely no real friends and am constantly left out of everything? I only have a handful of friends who I have noticed meet outside of work (meals out, visit each others houses etc) but I am never invited.. I have even had them discuss their plans stood right infront of me when I thought I was part of their friendship group! I have also just found out two colleagues are meeting for lunch (one I have known for years and the other colleague is new) .. I sit in my car alone to eat lunch.

I think I am a good friend and always check in/offer to be there when needed - I have never once had that in return.

To add - I have even dropped into conversation how lonely I am and still I can see things being planned around me without any invite

AIBU to ask what on earth I am doing wrong and why am I never invited along to anything?! What is it about me that I need to do differently?!

This.

My closest friends are the ones who know my flaws and still want to hang out. I love people with a bit of an edge, they laugh at themselves and rant about things that go wrong. Someone who compliments me on my clothes etc wouldn't make me want to befriend them. When I met new people I'm aware of whether they ask me questions and want to know who I am (I do this myself too, of course) and if they aren't interested in what's under the surface I come away thinking they don't want to know me. Do you engage people and ask what they're into, show real interest? This is so important in making connections.

Sorry you are feeling down op. What age bracket are you in? And do you think you may come across as nervous?

The reason I ask is that your post comes across as quite young. And you sound a bit self conscious.

My advice to you is to try and relax and be yourself! I am sure you are a very nice person but maybe you come across as a bit too perfect? And so maybe your ‘real’ self isn’t showing? Maybe you are trying to come across as confident when you are not? And maybe that comes across as a bit unintentionally false? People tend to be very sensitive to a mismatch between body language and what you are actually saying when the two contradict one another.

So my advice for the moment would be practice some relaxation regularly, maybe practice meditation or yoga, take the pressure off yourself trying to find friends at work and join some hobby groups in your spare time,

People are attracted to others who seem at ease with themselves.

Most of all, just be human. Let the cracks show a little bit. Be honest but keep a sense of humour. It could just be that your work isn’t a very rich hunting ground for friendship material, and you need to look elsewhere. Good luck!

Do you like these people? Are they interesting to you at all? Do you find that you have a conversation with one of them and the convo just keeps going effortlessly? Or actually they're not interesting really and you just feel awkward because they're meeting up outside work?

It can be lonely out there but the kind of loneliness that comes from feeling bad about yourself is the worst kind imo.

Of course I do 😊 it's one of my ways to make an effort with others and to make friends

I would definitely recommend joining the gym/a club - I feel like when you see the same people regularly, you are more likely to become friends and it’s not forced/try hard :) you sound like a great person and I’m sure lots of people would love to be friends with you!

Just be yourself. It sounds like these people aren't quite your tribe. There's nothing wrong with who you truly are, and there's no need to try and be someone you're not. I have few friends by choice. My 2 best friends are very similar to me and we'd walk over hot coals for each other. We don't see our speak to each other that much but the bond is there. They're nothing to do with work. You'll never please everyone, so time to start pleasing yourself first and foremost.

You sound lovely.

join a club or volunteer. I think you will find more of your type there

I wonder if you're too positive? A bit of shared moaning can be a great way to bond at work.

I realise I have made it sound like it's all about me but I do also do what previous posters have said.. I do take interest in others and I do ask about their lives etc.
I can also have a bitchy side and have a laugh and joke with my friends! But something about them is making me wonder whether they are actually friends if they never show interest in me and make plans which don't involve me?

I guess it's a hard one to explain, but I wanted to clarify I don't come across as too try hard/needy/perfect as I know these aren't good traits to have and that isn't me at all. I was just explaining my nice qualities which I think I have... thank you for the helpful answers ... I think joining a club or similar should be my next step

Ironically I would say that dropping into conversation that you are lonely will often achieve the opposite of what you want to achieve. People are funny like that, they won't meet up with you or "be friends" with you because you tell them that you are lonely.

You sound like a lovely and caring person. The 'friends' you describe sound more like acquaintances. It sounds like you haven't yet met your tribe. Do you belong to any clubs?

There's no way anyone can truly answer this as we don't know you. But I can give the example of someone I know who would say exactly the same about herself (I did wonder if this was her). She's so sad that she has no friends and just doesn't understand it, for all the reasons you cited plus she's such a positive person.

But her perception is way off and she doesn't listen to anything that undermines that perception. She's not a positive person and telling everyone over and over doesn't change the fact she's the most negative person I've ever met. She asks questions about people and their lives but only as an in to taking about hers. She is superficially very friendly, smiley, trying to be pleasant but overall she's totally overbearing. She's thinks she's a people pleaser but she isn't, she's a mitherer. Fussing and faffing over trying to get everything perfect.

She does people's heads in. They tell her but she never hears them. She just giggles and smiles and bats it away.

I'm not saying that's you OP but it may be that need to pay attention to any feedback you get.

This is an odd post.

People have suggested things it might be. You've said none of them apply and you are lovely and intrested, and not too keen and make lots of suggestions.

So, it must be your friends? I don't know, try make some new ones, see if it's any different.

Thank you for your kind words. I am in my thirties, no kids which I think makes it harder to meet friends (no school mum or baby friends!) and yes I think I have become self conscious as I'm wondering what's wrong with me 😂

For whatever reason your work colleagues don't want you as a friend - best not to overthink that, could be any number of reasons such as they have a well established friendship group and they like the limited dynamic they have. Not everyone is looking for new friends.

You also can't change and shouldn't change yourself really, as you have to be you - so broadening the search around your interests is a much better plan all round.

I sympathise, really good friends can take years to find.

I can also have a bitchy side and have a laugh and joke with my friends!

I would not want to be with someone who is bitchy, especially if they often come across as nice which I’d see as completely fake.

Is anything happening for Christmas?
We’re arranging a staff Christmas drink in a pub - this would be a nice way to socialise outside of work.

In the future I would definitely be the one to make plans and invite them.
It could be going somewhere straight after work even.

It sounds like you just need something to break the ice and show them the real you.

Don’t discount volunteering too - I do a volunteer role and the leaders socialise - weekend away, meals out. It’s easier as common interest.

I agree with this. It sounds as if you are not being real and authentic. Just a general copy of a nice person. If you show who you really are some people will not like you, but some people will like you and will want to be friends.

I do not want people to agree with me just to be nice. I want debate and even disagreement if that’s what it takes to get their genuine opinion.

I have been friends with a genuine people pleaser once for ten years. She then got annoyed with me it was pretty horrific. What had happened was she had stuffed down all her true feelings and opinions regarding not just me and what I thought but everything and then she literally exploded. I actively avoid anyone that agrees all the time and is too complimentary now.

Some people like bitchiness.
They who do not if they have not seen this part of you will be taken aback when they do see this and wonder what else you are hiding.

I think you are over thinking things - understandably

Has it always been like this? Do you have friends from school / the local area? Or has something changed recently?

You might, despite not intending it, come across as a bit creepy and inauthentic. People pleasers can be like that; being a bit ‘brown nosing’.

This is in response to a previous poster... if someone wants to have a moan/bitch about work I will join in with them if I am feeling the same. I don't mean I bitch about other people

People pleasing is a dysfunctional and transactional way to relate to people

you think that by seeming to be interested not hem
theu should seem to be interested in

not how real connection works

i suspect you weren’t treated particularly well as
a child

try and sort out the dysfunctional patteRms youve developed fr
chilshood and friendships will happen naturally

its not easy or quick but it’s possible

They don’t sound like real friends. I wouldn’t class the. As such if I were you. Friends like you, ask about you and want to be with you.
As you’ve suggested, in your case I would join groups for people with similar interests.