To wonder why I am not a likeable person?

[Malteaser999]

What am I doing wrong? I am a nice person to everyone, I'm polite, I compliment my 'friends/acquaintances' new hair, new nails, nice clothes (without ever receiving anything back might I add), I'm a good colleague, I'm polite, I never show when I'm having a bad day at work, I'm a people pleaser .. I would say I take pride in my appearance and I am clean and presentable!! .. Yet I have absolutely no real friends and am constantly left out of everything? I only have a handful of friends who I have noticed meet outside of work (meals out, visit each others houses etc) but I am never invited.. I have even had them discuss their plans stood right infront of me when I thought I was part of their friendship group! I have also just found out two colleagues are meeting for lunch (one I have known for years and the other colleague is new) .. I sit in my car alone to eat lunch.

I think I am a good friend and always check in/offer to be there when needed - I have never once had that in return.

To add - I have even dropped into conversation how lonely I am and still I can see things being planned around me without any invite

AIBU to ask what on earth I am doing wrong and why am I never invited along to anything?! What is it about me that I need to do differently?!

You could have Social Anxiety which is a thinking pattern that keeps leading you to think it's you that is the problem. There's a useful short self help course here.

www.nhsinform.scot/illnesses-and-conditions/mental-health/mental-health-self-help-guides/social-anxiety-self-help-guide

The point went right over your head, didn't it?

She isn't saying OP should be like her. She's saying OP should be herself.

Then everyone knows who she is and can trust their reaction to her. Those who don't like it, like you, can withdraw. Those who do will stay because they genuinely like her, not for all the ways she'll suppress her own personality just to reflect and serve them.

True, a lot of people pleasers do do it to fulfil a need within them.

And if you're, say, a red personality type, people pleasing has the opposite effect on them. It rubs them up the wrong way, they don't respond well to it.

Has it occurred to you that my critical self-analysis might come from somewhere?

I was in fact, bullied in primary and secondary school for being myself. I didn't fit in really well.

I'm old enough and experienced enough - and objective enough - to know what my flaws were, and why they weren't appealing to teens in particular. I also know that people may or may not like me now, and I am perfectly happy with the friends I have.

If you were remotely objective about your own personality, you'd realise that you've doubled down on quite an aggressive stance, attacking my character - when I attacked my own character in the first place, in a way I'd hope was useful to the OP.

By your response to this thread, and people calling you out on it, YOU have made this thread more about me than I did!

What do you think would be useful for the OP? Having more cracks at me, or making a useful comment on her situation?

I second what a PP has suggested re hobbies etc.

Some of my best friends I've met by accident and having a shared interest makes it easy to suggest activities you can do together!

This is a bitter pill to swallow but it needs to be said. Sometimes being yourself is simply not enough, your true/real personality may be one people generally do not mesh with.

I don't like everyone I meet and I certainly don't expect them to like me back. The only advice I can give is that you consistently put yourself out there and hopefully you find your people.

I think it's clear from this thread OP

You need to be yourself but at same time have a completely different personality.

You need to be less people pleasing - immediately despite fact it's probably unconscious behavior taught and policed most of your formative years but not too much as if you don't take an interest no-one will like you.

You need to be more outgoing - but not too much as that's off putting - you need to and invite yourself to events but also don't do that as many find it very annoying.

The best advice probably is to try and meet more people - just more chance of clicking - though when you are feeling down about yourself that is hardest time to do it - and it may take many attempts and one that don't work may leave you feeling worse - but long term it is how you find people - getting out there.

Interesting and brave thread OP. I hope you can figure it out. Overall, I'd say that you should focus on your likes and dislikes and have a career plan, focus on new hobbies or volunteering to live a rich life. Then choose your friends carefully.

Do you have any hobbies?

It takes time to "find" your personality and it'll keep changing and developing as time goes on.

But the first step really is to accept and be OK with the fact that not everyone will like you.

I've found I make friends easily when I'm real.. so it I'm having a bad day I show it.. I laugh at myself, sometimes self depreciating.. I'm sometimes bouncy, daft, sarcastic, loving, dark humour.

People always start these threads saying "I'm nice, I'm polite" that's great but not enough to build a proper friendship on.

Totally and a very astute comment, In my experience, very few self proclaimed people pleasures are as such as they genuinely care and want to make someone happy, it is usually they want to be popular, thought well of, get bragging points for, make life easier, avoid confrontation, it’s seldom to do with the other person and often a totally self absorbed act.

I could have written your post OP. I would like to put myself out there but I have no "out there". I have to be home to work and I don't have the energy to put into classes or hobbies.
I don't think I am an awful person - work people have commented on my kindness and that I make them laugh with my jokes - and I do try with people, but like you I just don't get invited.
I hope you are ok OP, some of these replies must have been a tough read.

@Malteaser999 I see that you are interested in make up and beauty. Have you thought about volunteering for a charity that could use your skills ? I know that some charities like Look Good Feel Better require an NVQ. But smaller local hospices etc often welcome those who are keen to help.

It would be a way of boosting your self confidence and meeting other volunteers.

you need to invite people out for something happening now. For example there’s an event on at such and such - do you fancy coming etc? you need to be proactive and organise going out yourself. If you invite them- fix an actual date. Or for example at work - don’t eat in your car invite a colleague into town to walk to the shops or grab a coffee. If you wait for it to happen it likely will won’t.

Yodeleeyodeli, what's with the picking people out for unpleasant (and pointless) personal attacks?

Have you invited others to meet you for coffee/ lunch? It occurs to me that both you and they may be waiting for the other to make the first move?

Or it may be simply that you and your colleagues/ people around you don't have much in common, which is not the same as you being unlikeable! Perhaps you could try to find groups for people with particular hobbies or interests that overlap with yours. Even if these are online groups, they may provide opportunities for in-person meetings which could grow into friendships.

You say about not asking, 2 of my best friend of 15 years came about because they were going swimming and I said can I come I'm sad and have no friends.

Don't take seriously what a group of randoms say on the internet. Comparing you to irritating friends on the basis of a post on MN is clearly ridiculous and not going to help your self esteem.
Like some PPs have said the advice is contradictory and just an opportunity to boast.
'Be real' what the hell does that even mean ?
One poster says 'make people feel good about themselves'...if that's not people pleasing I don't know what is 🙄
Many people won't admit that they are fairly superficial and friendships are often based on shared characteristics like class/appearance, even age but also
aspiration hence the yummy mummy cliques at the school gates. Some of the bitchiest most mean spirited people I know are in the 'in crowd ' at my place of work, not because they are lovely people but they've simply found their tribe of equally mean people and thrive off each other.
I'd use one of your hobbies to link up with people because you have something in common and can chat about it in an unforced way. I was a keen runner so joined a local tri club. I'm still at the acquaintance stage but getting to know people better because we've started off with something in common like bikes and running times !

I really feel for you OP because I have had similar difficulties most of my life. Less so now (I am now 48) because I actually care a lot less and this had the side effect of making me more relaxed and approachable, and also I felt more comfortable about my role in life/society/workplace whereas I spent many years with imposter syndrome and preoccupied with what people thought of me.

I always felt that I was a lovely person/great friend "on paper" but something got lost in translation. Socially I was slightly stilted and awkward though I couldn't quite see where I was going wrong (I suspect I am on the spectrum as one of my children was diagnosed a few years ago and the consultant touched on that). I think that made people feel uncomfortable around me. I'd make extra effort to be "nice"/people pleasing to make up for it but I think that came across as a bit fake even though it wasn't. I'd also get anxious about it which made things a lot worse. For example, I'd make the effort to ask people about themselves/the weekend etc and then be so relieved I'd started a conversation and got the question out that I'd forget to listen properly to the answer and it would quickly grind to a halt.

The people that seem to be most popular are those who are charismatic, confident and funny. Others are drawn to them because they are entertaining and the charisma has a sort of reflected glory that they like being part of. Some very charismatic people actually seem quite nasty and selfish or cutting and rude, but charisma is what enables them to get away with it. Twas ever thus.

As a PP said you may be best off developing your social skills. Alas some people are much more charismatic than others but relax a bit and you might find it comes a bit easier.

I do have some fairly small groups of lovely close friends but most of them were "slow burners" because I was so hard to get to know and develop a friendship with beyond that of a polite acquaintance. Some of the feedback I've had over the years was that: I was so quiet it was a real effort to talk to me; I always looked miserable; didn't seem interested; had resting bitch face (unintentionally); seemed stuck up. All these things totally shocked me! But helped me see what others saw.

I was so quiet it was a real effort to talk to me; I always looked miserable; didn't seem interested; had resting bitch face (unintentionally); seemed stuck up. All these things totally shocked me! But helped me see what others saw.

God I couldn't disagree more! All of those things are horrible things to say to someone. Even there was a bit of truth in them, I'd never have said that to someone's face, I'd make a more positive suggestion instead (if asked about it).

I also disagree that the charismatic outgoing person is the most liked (see my earlier post!). I think it's someone who is confident in themselves & doesn't excessively care how they are judged that tends to be best liked.

I'm glad you are more confident in yourself now, rightfully!

Lots of things in these posts resonate with me and I can sympathise with your situation op.

In my case, a difficult childhood led me into being a people pleaser, complimenting others etc. Now in forties and only just, with the help of therapy and the peri-menopause am able to turn this around. I think a difficult childhood (in may case) can have really deep effects including choice of marriage partner. I was always 'awkward' at school and prone to being bullied, painfully shy. I have considered ND as one of my children is waiting an assessment for this but I'm coming to the conclusion that a lot of the way I am is trauma related.

I have joined an interest group but it meets infrequently so it has been difficult to form any friendships as such. I haven't given up though and by getting out and attending various events connected to this interest, faces have become familiar. Aside from that, I really enjoy my interest! I'm taking a slowly, slowly approach - there are other interests I want to try and I'm staying open to meeting more people. This has often meant turning up to things alone in the first instance (but then as mentioned faces do become familiar).

I too, have been so anxious in conversation that I haven't really listened to what the other person has said at times (not always but I've noticed this and I'm working on it). I'm becoming better at being genuinely interested in other people though I'm refusing to be as much of a sounding board for others (I have frequently slipped into this role and now draw the line). Equally, I am conscious to not dominate the conversation whereas at one point I might have been prone to venting. Also, I'm no longer prepared to shape myself into friendships/groups I'm not genuinely interested in.

My existing friendships have flourished recently through me learning to be more myself. I have also grown much happier in my own company (thanks to developing interests) and not needing company as such (I'm not saying we don't need friends because we are human and need outer connection and I could definitely do with more of this).

Wishing you all the best op. Watching this thread with interest.

I agree with others in that you need to focus on hobbies and interests to meet like minded people. Find things you are passionate about. I have met most of my friends through shared interest because we do things together. I meet people at work and am perfectly happy to have a friendly chat and exchange pleasantries ... there is nothing wrong with them but I wouldn't choose to meet them outside of work. In fact I did become quite 'close' to a someone I met at work and we still see each other occasionally (20+ years later!) but actually because we no longer have the same sort of connection through work I have realised that we don't really have much in common other than a shared history. If I met her today we would not be friends!

Someone I have met recently has set up a Book Club, she is new to the area, knew no one but took the initiative and invited people to her home and we all had a lovely evening talking about our shared interest of books and reading and have committed to further meetings.

I could have sort of been you when I read your post!

Difficult childhood, shy, wore glasses and was teased a lot in junior school for this which affected my friendships (I did have 2 best friends though and was sort of popular as my mum invited kids round a lot and held parties for me and DB every year up til 11 years.

I was prone to being bullied but also teenage girls can be brutal in friendships!

I stopped wearing glasses at 11/12 apart from reading, tv and got my long hair cut into a Lady Diana bob at 13 all of which helped me blossom but I was still painfully shy and stuck to my best friend from infant school and our mutual best friend from 13 who also dated my brother when she was 14.

I was encouraged to join an aerobics class run by my NDN when I was 18 to meet people and do things.

It was only when I was 24 and my best friend from infant school fell out with me and ended out friendship that I was befriended by 2 women where I worked and we had a friendship based on clubbing etc. sadly one of those best friends died in her early 30s and for various reasons I lost touch with the friends I had made then.

It can be so hard navigating friendships as an adult though!