To wonder why I am not a likeable person?

[Malteaser999]

What am I doing wrong? I am a nice person to everyone, I'm polite, I compliment my 'friends/acquaintances' new hair, new nails, nice clothes (without ever receiving anything back might I add), I'm a good colleague, I'm polite, I never show when I'm having a bad day at work, I'm a people pleaser .. I would say I take pride in my appearance and I am clean and presentable!! .. Yet I have absolutely no real friends and am constantly left out of everything? I only have a handful of friends who I have noticed meet outside of work (meals out, visit each others houses etc) but I am never invited.. I have even had them discuss their plans stood right infront of me when I thought I was part of their friendship group! I have also just found out two colleagues are meeting for lunch (one I have known for years and the other colleague is new) .. I sit in my car alone to eat lunch.

I think I am a good friend and always check in/offer to be there when needed - I have never once had that in return.

To add - I have even dropped into conversation how lonely I am and still I can see things being planned around me without any invite

AIBU to ask what on earth I am doing wrong and why am I never invited along to anything?! What is it about me that I need to do differently?!

What a brilliant and insightful post.

Hi. Another one who suggests you may be neurodiverse. I have ASD and I could have written your post.

We don't have a canteen. Most of the staff either go to their cars for a break or live close enough to drive home, or eat by their desk. Hence why I go to my car too, it's just really deflating seeing others go off for lunch together when I haven't had an invite. As I've said some are people I consider myself part of their friendship groups - we are in a group chat together which is pretty active talking on it daily! (Sometimes it is nice having a break on my own away from work admittedly) but an invite would be lovely

Would you say you are a fun loving and trustworthy person?
I ask as we work with a girl who is polite, however she comes across as a bit of a kiss ass with managers and is (and this is mean to say, I know) really boring with no conversation.

Eg: one word answers, her conversation starters are depressing - my mum has diabetes, did you see that story about that murder in the newspaper, I wouldn’t go on tinder as I might get attacked by someone…

She doesn’t go out or have friends and we invited her out at the beginning and as girls do after a few drinks, we revealed a few things about our lives (we said this stays between us girls) and the following week, the manager knew about it!

We know it was her and were livid! We haven’t invited her out since and no more secrets have been leaked!

I have v few friends - mistakes I make are -
Feigning an interest in what they say thinking they will like me for it
Being nice (have largely stopped that now)
Not being much good at talking about myself - possibly due to childhood.
Not being good at telling a funny story about me, my life, something that happened on the way to the shop etc so am not entertaining
Being self conscious - not going to change now
Disliking being the centre of attention - ditto

what I can do right -
doing a bit of volunteering - they are always short so glad of anyone and you get to feel valued
Join clubs for books/running/ art/ knitting - these are good as you aren't in intense conversation more whatever comes up whilst you do the hobby
Accept that I'm an introvert and appreciate any acquaintances I have and not look for the funny popular ones as they are too busy with their myriad of friends.
Do your best to look busy and happy with your life. I would actually prefer to have a bite to eat in the car with an audiobook playing than to eat every day with someone else. I'd find that a bit pressured.
People who are busy and happy are the ones others approach.

Your OP reads a little bit 'friendship by numbers' - as if you've been reading a list of 'handy hints on how to make friends'. My best guess is that you are exuding a very obvious hope/expectation of 'proper' friendship which people either can't understand or don't wish to engage with. (As an aside, I'd tend to agree with those who suggest work is a poor friendship hunting ground. Where it happens, it's great. But for many people it's not really a space where they want to develop that sort of bond with others).

I like the 'If' quote above - letting everyone count with you, but none too much, feels as if it would be good advice for you.

Thanks @BuryingAcorns that was lovely of you!

There isn't necessarily anything wrong with you. It can be really hard finding friends as a single person once you get to the stage in life when so many other people are coupled up and focused on their families. Have you tried spreading your net wider than the workplace? Perhaps join a club or three and expand your social circle that way.

The thing about baby club/mum friends - as pp said it is random. Random women just like at work - but it's regular (same time same place stuff) and you've instantly got something in common (the children and the place. Getting there ect).

So - find somewhere to go which involves people and being in the same place at the same time as well as trying with work people. Be yourself and you will click with someone.

One other thing i would say re: my own experience of finding friendship once you are 'older' (ie: not a kid anymore!) is that real full on complete connection which you might have had with school/college age friends ... it's not like that when you're older. Every one has had life pull them in different directions and we get more complicated and more stretched out like an elastic band. Be happy to be friends with someone you can have a nice chat and a laugh with. Don't be looking for 100% ''we're so the same!'' deep soul mates type friendships. They're rare as hen's teeth.

Have you asked for lunch company on the group chat? 'Hi everyone, i've forgotten to bring lunch today and would love some company popping out to the cafe - anyone got plans?'
Often other people are thoughtless and wrapped up in themselves and literally don't see that they need to make some extra effort.
They might see you as self-sufficient and perhaps a bit aloof, or perhaps they think you're ok as you are and you need to be a lot more black-and-white about asking to be included.

It is hard because it means you risk rejection, but on the face of it you sound like a nice normal person - maybe you're just a bit anonymous at the moment?
It's really hard to break into established friendship groups and behaviour patterns as we get older. You need to be very obvious!

Just to add to what @Snnowflake said - I appear to be an extrovert and very confident, chat easily, tell funny stories, like being in a social setting etc. I think sometimes people see this as a 'better' way to be (than someone who is more of an introvert, quieter etc) but in truth it means very little.

Behind that, I'm often very sad or worried, being outgoing is often a distraction to whatever is going on.

It doesn't really translate to meaningful friendship - sure, it's easy for me to make connections and to chat, but there's often not more to it than that.

I have huge admiration for quietly confident people I meet often in work, so I think recognising whatever personality type you are is absolutely fine, and making friends doesn't equate with being an extrovert.

(And aside, I finally realised that while I am outgoing, I get very worn out from it too, and there is an introverted side to me that I need to pay attention to as well).

As I've said some are people I consider myself part of their friendship groups - we are in a group chat together which is pretty active talking on it daily! (Sometimes it is nice having a break on my own away from work admittedly) but an invite would be lovely

Invite them then! Invite a couple of them to somewhere you know they like to go, get a definite yes and be really pro active and make it happen!

I am fairly the opposite of you from your OP.

Being rational and objective about myself as I can manage, I can be opinionated, judgemental, a hot mess of fashion and grooming, and I don't ask a lot of questions about other people. I can be quiet, and I'm so chill I'm horizontal. That can be annoying! I'd say I'm pretty funny.

But I have no problem forming and maintaining friendships. I read the list of qualities you listed, and thought, "I still don't know you".

(my friend's have nice things to say about me, I'm sure)

Last friend I made was at a hen do. We chatted about data protection in our respective industries and griped about safeguarding. We gravitated towards each other at the wedding and caught up about our vegetable growing. We're getting together with the mutual friend in their city.

I think the key think was that we were both out there with our personalities first and foremost. The things you describe are the sorts of behaviours I'd expect from good customer service, not from a friend.

Plenty of people won't like me, I'm sure, but they'll know who I am. There's seven billion people in the world, and I have no intention of pleasing all of them.

I sounds similar to you and have the same problem. In fact I'd say people seem to dislike me or totally get the wrong impression of me, and frequenting understand me and think I'm serious when I'm joking. I have ADHD and think I might also have ASD, and I'm starting to wonder if people can just sense something is different about me. Like how animals can sense when another animal is ill and give it a wide berth or attack it.

My secret is making people laugh 😇

*misunderstand me

These are the same friends who openly discuss their plans infront of me and who arrange days out/meals without wondering if I'd maybe like to go.

I have suggested going places, there seems to always be an excuse

Have you during those conversations where they are discussing their plans actively said " can I come? "

I made some really good friends at uni on my first week. I heard them talking about a night on the shuttle bus that the uni used and just turned round and asked if I could come. I felt mortified doing it but we had a great time. Similar thing when I was 16. My friend had a friend who I knew a little bit. My friend joined the RAF and I knew the acquaintance was organising a night out so I just rang and asked if I could come. We ended up really good mates. You just have to be bold, good luck.

You need to widen your search . It might be that they’re not looking for any new friends. They may also just be mean girls trying to exclude you. Look elsewhere for friendships . Find a new hobby or sport .

Love this. 😁
I think I'm a bit marmite, the people who like me really like me though.
Good customer service 😂

OP, you sound lovely but are asking yourself the wrong question. you don't need to make yourself likeable, you need to find one or two people who you click with and like you. If people don't ask you for an event, that's a good clue they aren't interested in being closer friends, and so you hanging about and saying you feel lonely won't make any difference. Work out who you like, and who you properly gel with, and aim to have one or two better friends, not a whole host where you don't feel important to any of them. I would also say it takes me years to make friends, from first meeting someone, and it take both parties to be actively interested. I think you need to stop flogging those few dead horses at work and start joining in hobbies/clubs/the gym just for fun for yourself, and then if you meet a friend, great, if not, you will have still enjoyed yourself. Aquaintances/saying hi to the person in the local shop, chatting to people on the bus can also be rewarding social contact, and I do a lot of that in addition to having friends, because even if you have friends, they get busy, have their own lives and are not available 24/7 despite the unrealistic expectations on Mumsnet sometimes of what constitutes a 'proper friend'.

These are the same friends who openly discuss their plans infront of me and who arrange days out/meals without wondering if I'd maybe like to go.

OK. Right. Two things:

1. Are you certain in your self that they are your friends. You know what i mean. You feel you can chat back and forth with them and feel you're all relaxed?

2. One day - when they are arranging a lunch break - take a deep breath, be really brave and say ''sorry to butt in. Could i possibly come along to x, y,, z place this lunch time with you? It'd be a great change of scenery!'' or something. And see how it goes down.

I feel like you'll know what you need to know from their reaction instantly.

And if it's yes and all good and not awkward - go and enjoy yourself!

Either they think you don't want to come along on their outings (for whatever reason) or they aren't your friends - some people like to have 'fans' on the borders of a friendship group to show off to, and these fans aren't really considered friends.

You might have to be bolder and risk more rejection but then at least you will know where you stand with them.

I mean this in the gentlest way possible because I don't want to be unkind but I also don't want to bullshit you: I suspect the answer is contained in your post.

You describe yourself as a "people pleaser" and say you have told people you are lonely. These are traits which a lot of people would find offputting.

It may be unfair or unkind, but its the way the world is. People who go out of their way to make themselves as agreeable as possible often make others suspicious of their motives and also telling people you are lonely can create the impression that you are needy and require a lot of maintenance.

People pleasers signal through their behaviour that they "put out" a certain amount of favours and they expect something in return. At a subliminal level the people on the receiving end often interpret this as a lack of authenticity. People who are more selfish are often actually better at making "real" friends because there's nothing suspicious about their motives and they are more authentic. I don't mean you should suddenly start being like a bull in a china shop if its not in your nature but you are probably subconsciously signalling that you are bending over backwards to please everyone and it comes across as a bit dishonest.

It's very likely something you are doing without really thinking about it, and a lot of women are socialised to do this so don't be too hard on yourself or try to radically change who you are. But you would probably benefit from learning to become a bit more assertive. It sounds as if you might benefit from a bit of counselling?