To wonder why I am not a likeable person?

[Malteaser999]

What am I doing wrong? I am a nice person to everyone, I'm polite, I compliment my 'friends/acquaintances' new hair, new nails, nice clothes (without ever receiving anything back might I add), I'm a good colleague, I'm polite, I never show when I'm having a bad day at work, I'm a people pleaser .. I would say I take pride in my appearance and I am clean and presentable!! .. Yet I have absolutely no real friends and am constantly left out of everything? I only have a handful of friends who I have noticed meet outside of work (meals out, visit each others houses etc) but I am never invited.. I have even had them discuss their plans stood right infront of me when I thought I was part of their friendship group! I have also just found out two colleagues are meeting for lunch (one I have known for years and the other colleague is new) .. I sit in my car alone to eat lunch.

I think I am a good friend and always check in/offer to be there when needed - I have never once had that in return.

To add - I have even dropped into conversation how lonely I am and still I can see things being planned around me without any invite

AIBU to ask what on earth I am doing wrong and why am I never invited along to anything?! What is it about me that I need to do differently?!

It’s also a numbers game. In my last job I had about 60 colleagues. I became really good friends with 3 of them. I left that workplace almost a decade ago. Very sadly one died a couple of years ago but I am still in touch with the other 2. I thought getting 3 good friends out of 60 was a good hit rate. There were others I was certainly friendly with. Previous job to that I’m in touch with 3 almost 25 years later and the 4th good friend became my husband.

So 7 good friends out of at least 150 people.

You’ve mentioned work colleagues several times and I really think you’re placing too much emphasis on making friends there. I work in an office with about 500 people and quite frankly there are only two of them who I’d genuinely want to spend any time with outside of working hours. It’s not that 497 of the rest are unlikeable people, just that working in the same space as somebody doesn’t automatically mean you have much more in common with them.

Join groups for stuff you really like doing where you’ll meet people who at least share common interests. If people see you happy and doing something that makes you happy they’re much more likely to bond with you.

As others have said, you have to be authentic. That will mean some people won't like you, but the people who do like you will respond to the authenticity, and those friendships will deepen. Being with someone who is authentic gives others permission themselves to be authentic, and then when two authentic people click, it's a definite meeting of minds based on you both being authentically yourselves, and that bond becomes prized - voila, a real friendship is born.

Being too bland, especially if you always treat everybody in a 'nice' way and never complain doesn't give anyone the opportunity to see the real you and therefore know if you click.

(OLD works the same way with regards to authenticity - if you treat everyone with the same bland politeness you'd display to a chatty taxi driver, you're not giving anyone a chance to click with the real you).

Also, work can be a strange place to try and find friends as many people just want to do their jobs and go home, so do try evening classes etc.

That was my guess as well.

I have some lovely close friends but we’re all completely real with each other. We’ve seen each other’s highest highs and our lowest lows. That’s what has built the friendship. It’s took years as well, I mean my best friend and I have been in each other’s lives for over fifteen years at this point.

Someone being overly nice wouldn’t necessarily draw me to them in terms of wanting an outside of work friendship. I prefer a bit more of a raw personality.

You might be coming across as a bit surface level and overly nice when sometimes can read as fake. Also, as harsh as this sounds, I don’t think telling them that you are lonely has done you any favours. People usually have the (whether it’s correct or not) assumption that if someone’s lonely they’ll become clingy and obsessive if you give them an inch. Not saying for a second you would, but that maybe is what’s putting them off extending invites to you.

I sympathise, OP, and I'm being honest in my post, so please don't interpret it as mean - I think honesty is best here.

I'm sure you're a lovely person, but please don't tell people you're lonely or miserable. It's not very nice, but it's human nature to think 'Why?'. It's a sad fact that, just as people who have lots of money tend to find it easier to make more, people with lots of friends seem to be more successful in making new ones. Of course, once you've made a good friend on a deeper level, then you can be more honest about these feelings - but don't whinge at them for too long.

I think of myself as a nice person - kind and sympathetic and never deliberately nasty (have put my big foot in it sometimes). I make an effort with shy people; I'm shy myself but was brought up to understand that's not really allowed once you're an adult, so some people even think I'm an extrovert! Hilarious! If you're shy, you have to (cliche alert) 'fake it till you make it'.

Another point which I know sounds unhelpful is that -even as the kind person I try to be, and hope I am, I still like my friends to have a bit of....'edge' is the only way I can define it. If someone is nice, bland, saccharine or anodyne, of course I'll be nice back and happy to join them in group activities, but I wouldn't seek them out as a friend. I like a bit of character, a bit of bite...it's really hard to define. So I would say, be nice, but don't hide your personality to please others. I'm pretty opinionated about say, books, films, music, TV shows - and sometimes I disagree with my mates - and that's fine - that's what makes relationships interesting, in my opinion. There's no fun in a 'yes' person.

I think most relationships start, and thrive long-term, on making each other laugh. This goes for friendships and marriages/partnerships. So try having a laugh with people as a start. Some people see life as one long laugh but even if you're an introvert who gets down sometimes (like most of us - and most professional comedians, actually) then teach yourself to see the funny side of things. People tend to respond to that - because they know you'll be a fun and exciting companion. Don't start with the deep philosophical stuff - that would put me off, and I'm given to that sort of musing myself.

Hope some of this helps and good luck.

You need to stop trying to be friends with these people. And get somewhere else. Have you got any hobbies?

Devils advocate, are you missing anything out?

I have a friend I’ve distanced from who would write your post. She does compliment your looks, even helps a charity regularly calls herself a people pleaser. Tells you she is lonely. Is oh so nice and reasonable.

However I’ve cracked a bit with her as it’s wrapped up in a superiority complex. She is so nice and lovely etc in her head but she treats me as lesser. She quietly judges me if I’m too loud, do the wrong thing or feel emotional. She makes comments that in isolation may be reasonable, but actually built up into a picture that isn’t pleasant. Her positive comments are superficial, but her snide ones are personal and cutting- whilst being wrapped up in helpfulness.

She doesn’t like me as such, or many others, and it’s clear we are judged. If she has a fall out with someone it comes out. She just meets you for something to do, whilst never enjoying your company. Her house is tidy, she leaves a mess at mine like it doesn’t matter as it’s not pristine. She cancels plans and justifies it if you do meet up.

The bottom line- I want to hang out with people who like me. It’s far more fun and happy than with people who don’t.

Dont read this as saying this is you, I’m just saying it’s often a little more complex. Think through both sides of your personality. What is lovely, what might jar with others. I know my faults- I’m a bit loud and emotional for some. I get easily wound up, and end up having to apologise. I need to settle down and listen a bit at times. I work on it so as not to upset people. What are your flaws?

OP, perhaps you are too focused on pleasing potential friends and finding out what they like, so that you can become interested too, or help them.

Maybe it's time instead to focus more on what you like doing and what interests you. New friends and acquaintances can be made that way when you already share a common interest.

I had a friend who sounds a bit like you. I think her main problem was that she was such a people pleaser that she never told anyone if she had a problem with them and she never asked anyone for help. She just expected people to know and then eventually she’d quietly cut contact. The compliments were ridiculous…..she once told me elderly dad that she liked his jeans, followed up with ‘They’re a lovely shade of blue’😆.

Do you actually like the people you’re trying to make friends with? Do you enjoy their company? You need to be focusing on whether you like and connect with them rather than being desperate to be friends with anyone.

There's nothing wrong with being a positive person and being bitchy and moaning, does not mean you are being authentic. I used to work with an awful two face gossiping cow, that had coerced a couple of the quieter staff members into being her friend, she was far from authentic.
Aside from what I have already said about developing other interests, outside of work, so you are not so invested in these people. I would also evaluate if these people are for you anyway, arranging a night out and meet ups in front of others in a work friendship group and excluding you, is a bit of a shitty thing to do, regardless of your 'shortcomings', which I can't see any evidence of in this thread anyway. Some people just want drama and gossip and don't know how to deal with someone offering kindness, I would just step away from it and look elsewhere for friendship.

This. I’ve decided I am no longer giving my time to people that use my ear as a toilet to dump their shit, and who show no interest in me. Life is too short, what they want is a therapist, I am not one.

Stop the people pleasing and too many compliments. It doesnt do anyone any favours. You tend to just get unoticed as those types get taken for granted.

It also may not be you. The last people I want to socialise with are work people. I much prefered the people I volunteered with as we had a passion for the same thing.

I'm a people pleaser

That'll be it.

I don't mean to be harsh, I'm sorry. But I don't like people pleasers and I don't think many people do. It's not about being friendly and polite, that's something else. It's about not being able to stand being disliked, even when you don't like the other person either, and therefore never actually being your real self. I can't warm to these people because I don't know who they are or whether they genuinely like me or not. And as you find, since your interactions are all about what other people want, you attract people who only want to take advantage and don't care about the pleasure of your company.

Do you have friends from high school/uni/hobbies? Only saying this because I get along well with my work colleagues, but I don't really try to make friends with them - not the type of friend who you would go for lunch/evening out with .I enjoy their company at work and would go for xmas lunch etc with them, but they're not proper friends. My most meaningful friendships are from high school and uni, and although I see these people less often, when I do it is genuine friendship. Perhaps look for a hobby/activities where you could build some more genuine friendships?

I think joining a club or similar should be my next step

You might need to try a few and it may make it feel worse if it's not a welcoming group - but it is the next step - expanding social network to increase likelihood of finding people to befriend.

It could easily be the workplace - if that where you are meeting these people - but different situations and life stages and locations do make it easier. I'm ND and shy which plays a role with me but there have been times when I've been part of groups or couple of groups - we've tended to move away with DH work or that stage of life had finishes and it rapidly fizzles out then.

It is hard with advice though - I've known a couple of people very free with advice in RL about meeting people and as they knew many people thought they had insight- then they moved away from existing social networks and really struggled and in one case moved back - how hard it is to make friends can really vary.

Hi op I had to branch out a bit and join things/hobbies. Loneliness can be crap. I found like you people not commiting to things oh can I get back to u. Never happens. It does deflate u a bit.

I have some friends I’ve met at work but am very reluctant now to make friends that way, as they just talk about work all the time! We do a stressful job and I understand the need to vent. But the last thing I want to do outside of work is talk about work. Maybe your colleagues have been similarly burnt and now don’t like to mix the two. So what I would suggest, if you don’t already, is start conversations about other things.

I also would shy away from someone who tells me they’re lonely. I had a friend like this and firstly, it just made me feel like I could be “anyone” and she just wanted someone to hang out with to not be on her own. Secondly I didn’t want to encourage her and then have her hanging round all the time. I know that sounds mean but I like a lot of alone time!

It is hard though. I’m in my 50s and wouldn’t say I have much in the way of “good” friends. I’ve also been thinking about joining some kind of group related to my hobbies, so I think that’s a good suggestion.

These people are work friends. In my opinion/experience work friends are generally different to ones you have outside of work.

Agreed with @ComtesseDeSpair - I have made friends in work and yes socialised with them but apart from a few cases I’m not in touch with that many from work. There have been a couple of exceptions, 2-3 women I did keep in touch with and socialise with outside work but now I just don’t think I’d have much in common with them. One of them I made a friendship with because we both had work issues to do with our company and then we bonded due to socialising, interests etc. I’m still in touch with her but it’s not a close friendship.

I did also have friends from childhood/schooldays but these have gone by the wayside, probably different life choices.

I joined a friendship group about 15 years ago and I met my close friends from there, 3 of them, one isn’t a friend anymore, the other sadly moved back home after 13 years in London but we have a good group. I’ve added a childhood friend NDN (she’s a best friend for past 15 years!) and also a family friend recently to our social group and we go out. I also used to socialise with mum friends in my street too, but one’s moved abroad for 2 years and the other has moved a few streets away.

You do need to put effort into friendships though and definitely downplay loneliness.

With the mum friends, me and the other NDN friend suggested trips to the local Everyman to see films, which is a great escape for them from the kids plus a drink although we did go to bars too.

Over lockdown I also put a FB post on a local area group for friends and met with a few people for drinks, bottomless brunches, walks including a walking group.

So a few suggestions here!

You sound like one of my former friends.
The reason why she is former friend is her overpoliteness, constant people pleasing to a point it was annoying, inability to make decisions because she didn't want to "be a bother", total fun sponge because of being ott like "i am going to a bar, can I bring you something?" "No, thanks, I am good" "No really what can I bring?" "I just got fresh drink, it's fine" "no really, I will bring you the same yeah? Is that ok?".
It gets really really unbearable, really really quickly.

I don't mean to be mean but pps hit it on with the authenticity plus with self proclaimed people pleasing it's just not nice company. Sorry. Your OP really reads like the clingy mummying type which most people don't prefer to be around.

At least you are aware to some extent and can stop pretending to be super nice? Because that is what your OP sounds like. You act nice so people think you are nice and like you. Just don't

Agreed that people pleasing and compliments can wear thin.

My SIL who’s about 11 years younger than me has struggled with friendships and one close friend moved abroad recently. I’m planning on asking her out with a mum NDN and the other ex NDN but still friend too as SIL has met both but finds it hard to unwind or relax.

I avoid making friends at work although I am friendly. Years ago I became good friends with someone at work and then we had a fallout. The fallout was unbearable and she made my work life very difficult. I have been wary ever since.

This. People pleasers tend to seem un-genuine and a bit needy.

Well this is something I definitely don't do 😂 when I say I compliment I don't mean I throw thousands of compliments at everyone and anyone for the sake of it. I mean my colleagues/friends at work.. if they've had their hair done last night and come in I'll comment on their hair. If we share an interest in nails/beauty I may drop in that their nails look nice etc. I don't compliment in a creepy way.

And yes I do genuinely like these people

inability to make decisions because she didn't want to "be a bother",

My DP do that - DH says it PA - I do tend to try and circumvent with when they do it as well and just make choices but if it doesn't go well it can feel like a lot of pressure on me - plus you have to pick up on unspoken cues - which feels very unfair.

I tend to be suspicious of overly nice people, I find them inauthentic (sorry). And also, if you spend your time listening to everybody else, people pleasing, you are not adding in any of you personality.

You can still be nice and polite but also you need to know that you personality is of value and to present it more.