To wonder why I am not a likeable person?

[Malteaser999]

What am I doing wrong? I am a nice person to everyone, I'm polite, I compliment my 'friends/acquaintances' new hair, new nails, nice clothes (without ever receiving anything back might I add), I'm a good colleague, I'm polite, I never show when I'm having a bad day at work, I'm a people pleaser .. I would say I take pride in my appearance and I am clean and presentable!! .. Yet I have absolutely no real friends and am constantly left out of everything? I only have a handful of friends who I have noticed meet outside of work (meals out, visit each others houses etc) but I am never invited.. I have even had them discuss their plans stood right infront of me when I thought I was part of their friendship group! I have also just found out two colleagues are meeting for lunch (one I have known for years and the other colleague is new) .. I sit in my car alone to eat lunch.

I think I am a good friend and always check in/offer to be there when needed - I have never once had that in return.

To add - I have even dropped into conversation how lonely I am and still I can see things being planned around me without any invite

AIBU to ask what on earth I am doing wrong and why am I never invited along to anything?! What is it about me that I need to do differently?!

I think maybe hobbies then. I found office cliques awful. Maybe they know each other ages? Good replies on thread though. Do they go out on Fridays? Fancy x cafe? I find I have be pro active a bit more now.

I used to work with somebody who on the face of it was really nice. She paid loads of compliments and always showed a big interest in people's lives, asked lots of questions etc.

I thought she was really fake.

Oh and btw (as PPs have noted) being "likeable" is massively over-rated.

You are never going to be liked by everyone. No one is. If you try too hard to be "likeable" you are just going to come across as insincere. Far better to be yourself, warts and all, and attract genuine friendships from the people who do like you than try to catch everyone and not really be understood by anyone.

I'd tend to agree with those who suggest work is a poor friendship hunting ground. Where it happens, it's great. But for many people it's not really a space where they want to develop that sort of bond with others

MIL had load of work friend she went clubbing and concerts with meal out ate lunch - then they were all made redundant factory shut - 6 months out of work were really hard for MIL - but on top friends all vanished - they might stop and talk in the street but that it.

She was very shocked by that and I think upset - she was a couple of years off retirement but job she got had unsociable worked she didn't really make close friends but IL did start joining clubs and pick up hobbies and that were really important first few years of retirement.

So while I can see OP would welcome work friends someone to eat lunch with occasionally - long term outside friends may be a better option.

Why do you have to tell her she comes across as young? What does she have to gain from this?

And what's going, anyway? Are you old? It comes across as old to tell someone that they come across as 'a bit young'. Patronising. She feels odd enough as it is.

Half the answers accuse you of not being interested in other people, the other half say you’re probably nosy and intrusive. And that’s the problem really - everyone has a different bar, everyone looks for something different in a friend. There is no perfect friend model.

For me, personally, I think you sound quite similar to me. I was horrified to be given feedback that I came across as “standoffish”. But a bit of introspection later and I realised this was the product of a very specific upbringing, where personal questions were rude, never complain, etc. I’ve pushed out of my comfort zone - ask more questions, give more of myself, am pushy (or so it feels to me) in making arrangements with people.

But really, what it boils down to is that my friends come from meeting people with a shared interest, at a time when both of us were on the lookout for new friends. That’s partly a numbers game, and partly putting yourself in situations where you meet people that you have something in common with.

I know someone who sounds a bit like you. She is so nice and tries so hard to be my friend and always says lovely things about something totally ordinary. She often offers to help when this has not been asked for. She never has a bad word to say about anyone. Guess what? I don't like her! I am always friendly, but I keep her at arms length. I am far too flawed and human to be her friend, so I end up having to be a bit fake just to have a conversation with her, otherwise I end up feeling crap about my less than perfectly accepting thoughts. It's exhausting. Plus I just wonder what's she really thinking, under all the boring niceness.

Why describe someone that the op can never be in such detail? That was a nice excuse to talk about yourself and I for one found you irritating. Who cares what you talked about on your work do.

For me, personally, I think you sound quite similar to me. I was horrified to be given feedback that I came across as “standoffish”

I been in office half said that other half said I was really warm - I wasn't acting any different. The half who though me warm were asking for technical help or plonking down next to me and talking about their weekends - so I responded other half were very distant and kept it all to work questions - so I followed suit.

I was thinking the same TBH!

A lot of people simply don't have those personalities and trying to fake it would be even worse than people pleasing

@Yodeleeyodeli

There was no need for that, that was just unkindness for its own sake: What @thecatsthecats was trying to point out was that the OP doesn't give much sense of her own personality or opinions. What comes across from OP's post was that she seems to be bending over backwards to fit her personality into what others expect of her and gives very little sense of herself as an authentic person with her own opinions and needs.

@thecatsthecats was giving an example of where she differed from that. No one is saying the OP has to ape that but was showing that sometimes allowing the real "you" (whatever that you might be) to come out is an advantage.

Nothing whatsoever is gained by your spiteful character assasination.

@Boiledbeetle Well no, I would feel pushy and needy. If they wanted me to come they would have invited me when they originally made the plans together I suppose?

I'd hate to be there unwanted!

I can relate to this , in a way, always been a bit of a loner at work to be fair! Was never really included in groups at work, despite my best efforts. One friend who did make at work, said in the "nicest way" I had come across as insincere and fake. : (
I stepped back from making effort at work, and concentrated on hobbies outside of work and did {eventually} make some friends at a card-making class once a month.

Why do you sit in your car eating lunch by yourself? Have you always done this? It could indicate someone wanting to exclude themselves from the rest of the group (it could come across like that)

Hi OP, so sorry you're feeling this way - it is SO tough and I've been in your shoes exactly. When I was in my mid-late twenties I didn't really have any friends and relied solely on work/colleagues for friendships. When it came down to it, I felt the same and realised they weren't true friendships. For a while I stopped trying completely but remained professional and nice - but decided just to keep work relationships professional apart from attending the odd Christmas do.

Then I started doing social things outside of work and found some amazing friends! I don't know if it's because I relaxed about it (they say things can happen this way). Now I'm at the point where because I'm not only relying on work colleagues for friendships, I feel more natural and friendly with my work colleagues too. (Still keeping boundaries in place though, I'm now a firm believer that keeping friendships outside of work is the way forward - for me anyway).

I wonder if it might be helpful to try the same approach? Take the pressure off of the work environment to provide friends. Then when you're ready have a look elsewhere. It will happen 💙 sorry that you're struggling with it, it's a very lonely place to be and can really make you question yourself. It's not you - you sound lovely and you WILL find your people. Perhaps you're just looking in the wrong place right now.

I agree completely. I thought it was a great post with practical examples.

How many people we are talking about? If 3, it might be that they are not your tribe, they don’t consider you their friend and just polite and friendly at work. Someone said on the thread that they might be on a different stage of life then you or have different priorities. They also might have something in common which is not obvious that they don’t have with you.
I think you might come across too nice, like it’s difficult to say what you are thinking because you are polite, quiet and therefore never noticeable. I don’t know if it makes sense, but I’m a bit suspicious when people are too nice always, it’s like they are hiding behind something. It also looks a bit that you don’t show real you as you don’t trust these people. Sorry if it’s a bit confusing. In a essence I want my friends to have opinions and views, I want to know where they stand.

By the way I’m not a big expert on friendship and don’t have many friends and struggle with social interactions but my problems are more easily explained then yours. I have family commitments, health issues, moved from a different country so no school or uni friends.

Do you drink ? I don’t do outings and rarely drink, I think it’s affecting my friendships situation hugely. It doesn’t come across good with people.

You can invite others instead of waiting for being invited :)
If you also have your own hobbies and something you are enthusiastic about, they attract others when you mingle with them 🌹

At no point have you said what your interested in on this thread. I wonder how your parents presented? My family led interesting lives so surreal and out there it sounds like I’m making it up.

I have tried many things in my life I was good at some of the stuff and bad at some of it. Have also retrained twice in my life and moved around the country my family are protagonists, so I suppose it feels natural.

Thank you for your lovely comment. I think I'll take others advice and take a step back from wishing my work colleagues liked me or wanted me as their friend! I am not into many hobbies but I will have a think and try to get myself into something I enjoy

With my colleagues I don't look for them to compliment me or notice my nails or hair. I think that can come across as superficial and like you can't think of anything else to say. Also it's hard for that conversation to go anywhere beyond them thanking you. Maybe ask them where they had it done because your looking for a new hairdresser, or share a story about the time you had a disastrous haircut so you can laugh together about it.

You sounds lovely but I'm wondering if your personality isn't coming across so people don't really know you. Try relaxing and bantering, give then something to latch onto.

I want friends that are on the same wavelength as me, laugh at the same things and enjoy the same things. I like to bounce of my friends and colleagues and we have weird and random conversations.

You’ve listed a whole load of things that make people not horrible, but not anything that people are actively attracted to. It’s like you think you’re perfect... but perfect can be boring.

@Entwifery I think neurotypical people do just sense something is 'different' and often they don't understand that difference, they just feel it on a deep level.

With my autistic best friend, we were 18 when we met and to me she acted like an alien who had been told some basic rules about human interactions and just copied surface gestures. It was like she had no social intuition and immediately felt 'off' as a neurotypical person but at the time I didn't understand autism and she wasn't diagnosed.

We still developed a lovely friendship which is even better now as she slowly took the mask off.

It's their loss and your future friends' gain 🥰. You'll find something you like doing - don't rush it, take the pressure off and focus on you for a bit and it will all come together.

Also OP, I have a friend who sounds similar to you. I love her and I get her, but so so many people don't. They take her kindness for fakeness, her happiness for an over the top reaction to a situation, her compliments as annoying and so on. I feel for her so much because she genuinely is a lovely person with a good heart, but so many people don't know how to take people like this.

My advice would be to lay off the compliments and happiness and kindness as much. I'm not saying don't be any of those things, just be them in moderation and sometimes just in the background.