To wonder why I am not a likeable person?

[Malteaser999]

What am I doing wrong? I am a nice person to everyone, I'm polite, I compliment my 'friends/acquaintances' new hair, new nails, nice clothes (without ever receiving anything back might I add), I'm a good colleague, I'm polite, I never show when I'm having a bad day at work, I'm a people pleaser .. I would say I take pride in my appearance and I am clean and presentable!! .. Yet I have absolutely no real friends and am constantly left out of everything? I only have a handful of friends who I have noticed meet outside of work (meals out, visit each others houses etc) but I am never invited.. I have even had them discuss their plans stood right infront of me when I thought I was part of their friendship group! I have also just found out two colleagues are meeting for lunch (one I have known for years and the other colleague is new) .. I sit in my car alone to eat lunch.

I think I am a good friend and always check in/offer to be there when needed - I have never once had that in return.

To add - I have even dropped into conversation how lonely I am and still I can see things being planned around me without any invite

AIBU to ask what on earth I am doing wrong and why am I never invited along to anything?! What is it about me that I need to do differently?!

*your

I'm mid 40's and have only just found myself in a work environment where I could see my colleagues being more than colleagues.
I've always had good relationships with colleagues, drinks after work, chats over a cuppa etc but not really my tribe as such.
I have some great friends who I found in a sports club I joined for a sport I loved.
I don't think that's unusual.
My new work place is vocational, and the field is something close to my heart... All of a sudden I am amongst people who are on my wave length and I can imagine being friends beyond the workplace.
For my mum she is a caring active Christian and find her like minded tribe at church and volunteering in their charity shop.
I wonder if you need to work out who the true you is and therefore where your tribe is.

And yes I do genuinely like these people

If you spoken to them about loneliness and dropped hints or outright said you want to be included then I think they are a lost cause - for whatever reason they don't want more with you - so best thing to do is find others who do rather than bang head against a brick wall and feel even worse about yourself.

Watching as this happens to me too.

If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you/But make allowance for their doubting too...If all men count with you, but none too much...

It's a hard balance to draw between accepting fair criticism and trying to improve, and nor living entirely by what everyone else thinks. After all, if you can do all that perfectly, you'll be a Man, my son. It's impossible. We're all works in progress.

But there does come a point where you do have to allow your real character to show and just accept that some people won't like it. That doesn't mean being rude or a bully etc. It just means that, yeah, some people will think you're too loud or talk too much or have shit taste in music or whatever, and just won't like you. And that's OK.

When you try to be everything to everyone, you become nothing.

A lot of what you are doing sounds performative. I appreciate the occasional compliment, but I had a colleague that overdid it and tried to hard.

When you put people pleasing first you're doing something mostly for the reaction you want, eg. Them to like you. That can come across as a fake. Forget others opinions, remain polite and try to be yourself a bit more.

You sound like someone I know - her DS used to be in the same class as my DD. She has acquaintances, but not close friends. She's very nice and I'm happy to chat to her when I see her, but she's somehow not a "warm" person and it's hard to feel that you are close to her. Conversations stay at the superficial level. It's really hard to put my finger on the reason why!

Sorry OP, I don't think that was very helpful. Just to say - it's probably nothing you're doing wrong exactly. Just something about the way you come across. I agree with the suggestions about joining a club and meeting people with similar interests rather than trying too hard to make friends with colleagues etc.

I’d cast your net wider than work. It might just be your workplace culture or lots of people are wary of getting too friendly with colleagues. Eg is your role more senior or junior or a role that could be awkward if you know hr info etc.
I used to have lunch sometimes with 2 junior colleagues we all paid for our own. I bumped into one after I left and asked if they were still doing lunch at carvery and they’d stopped as my replacement had insisted on paying so dynamic had changed and it wasn’t friends doing lunch anymore.

I think ReneBumsWombats has it right here. To be more than a colleague to anyone else you need to have a strongly defined personality because people are too busy with their own lives and personalities to give time to anyone who doesn't shine for them. People will like you or hate you. Very few people who make lots of friends do not also make enemies.

I might get some eye rolls for this, but are you neurodiverse?

My best friend is autistic and she struggled making friends her whole life despite being the nicest, genuinely kindest and one of the most intelligent people I have ever met. In the early days of our friendship her conversations felt fake because she was masking all the time with scripted social responses and niceties. It felt immediately 'off' and obvious to neurotypicals.

What you call personal compliments, other people regard as intrusive shallow flattery in an attempt to buy favour.

What you see as "people pleasing" , others regard as needy behaviour .

"Dropped into conversation how lonely I am" is needy behaviour.

What you see as "taking an interest in other people", they may see as nosy inappropriate interest in their private lives.

Are you an outgoing person?
I do all of the above, and I am in much the same situation..
But, I'm a natural introvert, I struggle with conversation (I can compliment, discuss the weather etc till the cows come home! But I don't do small talk)
I'm a genuinely nice person & care a lot about people, but I think people perhaps think I'm stand-off-ish..

I am also overweight, and I think that has a lot to do with some people not liking me :(

Seriously. Sometimes it really isn't you. You just might not have found 'your people' yet. You need to cast your net wider.

I can relate to parts of this. Not to derail as I think it's relevant to the thread, but if I come across as inauthentic as PPs suggest OP might, how do I be more like the "real" me when I sort of feel like I am being? I do have opinions that I'm happy to share but also often see both points of view which I think makes others feel like I'm a fence sitter (I'm not, I just often see things are complex!)

@Malteaser999 is this just a problem you have as an adult? Did you have friends through school college etc?

I'm not a people pleaser, I'm a ME pleaser. Stop trying to please other people. It never ends well.

I've never tried to make friends. Friendships happen in the strangest of places. You can't force them to happen. You have to open up as many avenues as possible, meet as many people as possible from all walks of life.

One of my good friends is a man half my age, we live on the same street (some people think Im his mother) but bonded over a mutual love of something after getting into conversation one day on the pavement.

Another was someone who used to answer the phone at a company I used regularly.

I once became friends with someone who got the same train as me during the week.

You have to stop looking and just talk to more people in your day to day life. Wether its the driver in the taxi you get, the receptionist at the dentist, the person in the queue at the checkout.

But definitely stop with the people pleasing.

OP a number of posters have hit on this and given you good advice but I just wanted to add to this. Much of what you have said resonates with me, or at least how I have felt at times. I have always made friends easily and had lots of friendship groups, but when I hit very tough times (that sadly are ongoing), I felt such a lack of true interest and effort and felt so hurt, from people that were truly friends and / or family.

I've learnt through counselling as others say that people shy away from others who seem needy or wanting emotionally; even if they are good people and friends. Many people have limited bandwidth for other people and their problems

One of the reasons I didn't really see this is that I am not like this - and I suspect you are the same - I ask a lot about others, remember details, will follow up if I know someone is going through something tough and often put others ahead of myself.

I had to learn (it's cringey but it's true) to value myself and seek happiness internally, rather than through external validation including friendships. In some weird way, the universe (or whatever) picks up on this and friendships have become a bit more fruitful, possibly I'm indirectly giving out different vibes and am less needy (not that I really felt I was previously but it was like my loneliness was coming out in waves from me).

Superficially not a lot has changed! I'm still working / looking after DC and have no real social life or support but internally, I'm more accepting of this and myself, and can cope with not having the friendship network I would have hoped for; and I can see that in time I will probably be able to acquire that again (as I used to have) and in the meantime I have plenty of casual contacts and friendships that I can engage with on a certain level and be happy with. I also have learned to reduce my people-pleasing and trying to make others happy, and within reason, care less about what others are thinking and feeling.

Some counselling might be helpful for you too? I promise you are not unlikeable - you are lovely. 💐

It sounds as if you are projecting a fake persona and people are subliminally aware that they are not talking to the real you. You hide your feelings, you're a people pleaser - this will make others feel wary of you, without really knowing why. Next time you're feeling rough at work, for whatever reason, tell your colleagues. Don't hide behind the facade of being pleasant and unphased by anything.

I think this too. If you are honest with yourself, are those people you class as friends really the sort of people you want as friends?

knowthis1 · Today 10:41
"I'm polite, I never show when I'm having a bad day at work, I'm a people pleaser".
"I have absolutely no real friends"

Maybe you don't have real friends because you're not being real. Just be yourself. People will like you for you really are, warts and all. You don't have to try so hard to be perfect.“

I agree with this. I think you’re trying to hard. Try to relax and be your real self.

I think that sounds fine - you don't have to be any way other than you really are. It's fine to be able to see others' points of view (excellent in fact) and if that's done authentically, it's great.

What happens is people making choices about their behaviour based on how they think others want them to be, whatever that might represent.

I have finally got better at accepting who I am, being the best version of that, and trying not to be hard on myself if I feel I haven't done something right.

Are your 'friends' in the same life stage/age as you?

ie are they also childless and in their 30s?

I ask because you say you attempt to arrange outings but they never happen. People with busy family lives are wrapped up in family lives are hard to winkle out on outings. Time and money are often tight.

Also - you say you sit in the car at lunch times. While it's tempting it's not very social. Perhaps you should sit in the canteen (or what ever you have at your work) and socialise there with a bit of mindless small talk. That's exactly the sort time connections are made IME.

This is why it's hard reading that I'm coming across as 'inauthentic' .. I thought I was genuinely just being me! ...

OP - you can change this pretty quickly b y stopping being a people pleaser. I used to be 'nice' to everyone I met, hoping it would help me make friends. The exact opposite happened. I had none. It took me ages to work out why.

It's a combination of things. If you are 'nice' all the time, it's like hiding behind a mask. People can't see beyond it. It's a bit like trying to befriend a hotel receptionist or airline clerk. The niceness comes across as a bit formal and professional, as if you don't trust the people you are around enough to let your guard down with them. They don't get a sense of who you are. That can be unnerving.

Also, if you are too nice, they feel restricted. Can they swear in front of you? Bitch? Grumble? Be honest in their opinions? They might feel they have to match your niceness and they don't want to.

Giving people compliments is said to be a nice thing to do but in some ways it feels uncomfortable, as if the complimenter is constantly grading and judging you and watching you.

Finally unswerving niceness can feel a bit transactional: My compliments to you and offers of help mean you owe me friendship. It can feel a bit like entrapment.

I stopped being nice. Really stopped. It took a while but I stopped giving compliments, offering help etc. I started being more selfish, having a bit of a moan or a bitch about life, saying things that maybe not everyone would like. Not full on whining, just emotional honesty at a socially acceptable level. It worked. People relaxed more around me. And I felt better because I was being myself, not some bland sanitised version of me.

You could also try being a bit bolder, as long as you can cope with rejection and not take it personally. Say, 'I'm off to the cafe for lunch. Anyone coming along?' as long as you can be 100% fine about it if they have other plans. Just do it a few times so people get the message that you are up for company, no longer the woman who seeeks peace and quiet in her car at lunchtime.

I think maybe you haven't found your 'group'. I have a group of friends with one member who I just have to admit I find very annoying. She's well meaning, kind, absolutely nothing wrong with her at all but it's a complete sense of humour clash - potentially related to a big age gap. I wouldn't exclude her from group things but equally I'm not going to meet up one on one and I would with other group members. She has another group of friends that seem to find her hilarious and they get on well. Equally I know there are other groups where I've probably been the annoying one/one that gels less. I suggest giving these existing friendships some space and work on finding the friends you really gel with through shared interests etc. You will find them, you sound lovely!

you sound perfectly nice, so I wouldn't stress trying to think of ways of being a better version of yourself to make people like you better. I think it's just a case of finding a way to meet people you have more in common with. Could be a book club, or a walking group, local history, art lessons - anything where you're doing something you enjoy, and are meeting people with a similar interest. Having kids is a bit like work, in that the people you meet through it are totally random, and no guarantee you''ll hit it off, so I wouldn't put it down to that, although a lot of people your age will be doing the kids thing, so they're out of circulation socially. It's a bit mean to discuss plans in front of you if you're not invited, so that would put me off those people a bit