Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

When you get very very old...

219 replies

Redandgreenribbons · 27/11/2022 21:33

...What is your plan?

I mean when you are in your late years like in your late 80s or 90s(if you lucky enough to reach this age).

I am wondering when and if you have about your days that you may be unable to cook, to shop, to bath.

And to make it harder, let's assume that you don't have anymore your other half to support you.

Even if you own a house and you get a pension, will it be enough? Will you be financially sustainable to live a decent life before your end if you are unable to look after yourself?

What is your plan? This thought really worries me although I am still very young...

OP posts:
Mercy1968 · 27/11/2022 23:59

The care home my friend worked in was understaffed and they were run off their feet.
My friend was often in tears because she truly cared about the old people but was bullied to do more than she was able to.
She wanted to listen to them and treat them with dignity but everyone was a number and time was money.
Old people were left in bed wet and in distress at night. The food was awful and there weren't enough staff to ensure people were even fed if they had disabilities.
We were in our 30s then so 20 years ago and my friend had to quit because she hurt her shoulder lifting a 15 stone resident on her own.
I worked in retail and earned way more than her selling sweets cigarettes and newspapers.
This was 2001 and I bet it s worse now.

EmmaAgain22 · 28/11/2022 00:14

Mercy do you happen to know what kind of home it was in terms of funding?

Onnabugeisha · 28/11/2022 00:14

I am not sure. So long as my DH is around, will retire to a little home in a nice village with the basics in walking distance. I would like to be near the sea, as it’s in my blood.

But if/when I’m widowed, I’m going to give my DC all the heirlooms, sell everything else, hire a companion/carer and retire to a cruise ship and travel the world until I pop my clogs. Then they can bury me at sea.

PickyEaters · 28/11/2022 00:17

I'm not going to make it to that age.
And after seeing what my parents went through, I don't want to.

Mercy1968 · 28/11/2022 00:20

Emmaagain sorry I don't know. It has since closed down.

ZenNudist · 28/11/2022 00:21

KangarooKenny · 27/11/2022 21:35

I’ll see what happens if I get there, no point worrying about something that might not happen.

This! I'm sure I will cope just like all the old folk I've known cope. It's lonely and different to life now but a privilege to get that far. I'm rather assuming life could be shorter. Surely that would be worse!?

Butterfly44 · 28/11/2022 00:23

You can't predict so no point worrying. Too many variables. DM 88 is a care home, very poorly for a few years, had strokes, sadly unlikely to see out this year. My in FIL exact same age completely fit, needs no assistance, enjoys life/goes on holiday, can't compare the two.

PickyEaters · 28/11/2022 00:25

Further to above, my parents had a good income, children and grandchildren who loved spending time with them, a beautiful home and great affection for one another that never waned. They were in relatively good health all their lives. But the ravages of old age are terrible... their joints got so stiff they couldn't walk far or even stand upright. My father lost his sense of smell, taste, ability to walk and most of his hearing and eyesight. My mother's hands got so crippled with arthritis that she couldn't hold her knitting needles anymore or do her hair the way she liked to. They were unrelentingly cheerful through all this.
My grandfather dropped dead on the floor of a heart attack in his 70s and I think he had the best ending in my family.

Schlaar · 28/11/2022 00:26

What’s the point of making a plan when the odds are that you won’t reach that age?

PickyEaters · 28/11/2022 00:26

'm rather assuming life could be shorter. Surely that would be worse!? Not necessarily.

AspenBirch · 28/11/2022 00:26

Sounds morbid but I'm hoping I'll be brave enough to top myself when on the verge of losing my independence.

RosesAndHellebores · 28/11/2022 00:27

Money's no problem. I'd DH were to go first I'd buy a bungalow or flat and could pay for carers to come in.

Am 62 now and still working full-time. If I get to 80+ I'm going to take up smoking again, have two sherries at lunch, a g&t at 6pm, and wine with dinner. I shall go enjoying myself with a living will. I wouldn’t let an animal suffer. I shan't allow myself to suffer.

Ellessdee · 28/11/2022 00:28

I'd like to be plied with LSD or ketamine and be left to have a really lovely time.

EmmaAgain22 · 28/11/2022 00:52

ZenNudist · 28/11/2022 00:21

This! I'm sure I will cope just like all the old folk I've known cope. It's lonely and different to life now but a privilege to get that far. I'm rather assuming life could be shorter. Surely that would be worse!?

Show quote history

Good grief
A shorter life would be much better for many of us

the women I've seen on the geriatric ward with mum, in their 90s, can't turn in bed without pain...jeez, that's not a privilege.

LocalHobo · 28/11/2022 00:59

I'm hoping that robots will be able to do basic care by then. I'm sure no one wants to wipe my bum and I don't want them too.

nokidshere · 28/11/2022 01:08

What's the point of speculating about it though? It's not like we can predict anything at all.

FIL died instantly aged 75 shopping in tescos without warning or illness. MIL sold up their flat and moved to the house next door to us where she lived really well until the age of 96. She had a cleaner and I did her shopping online, apart from that she was fully able to look after herself, had no sickness, no medication and no care until the last week of her life. Im only in my early 60s and already have severely restricted mobility due to arthritis, my 69yr old dh is as fit as a flea and hasn't seen a Dr for over 30yrs.

How we live our lives now is way more important than worrying about what may or may not happen in the future.

mackthepony · 28/11/2022 01:21

I'll hopefully be in a cabin in Northern Canada, miles from anywhere. Lakes and trees. They can find me in spring.

mackthepony · 28/11/2022 01:26

Blueglazzier

^^
Awesome post. Absolute poetry

Ericaequites · 28/11/2022 02:09

My maternal grandmother’s father, my maternal grandmother, her three biological siblings, and my mother died of dementia, partially vascular in all cases. Mother’s cousin is suffering with dementia. If they could have seen what they would become, they all would have begged for death. My grandmother and mother asked if I would help them die. I work to keep fit, stay a reasonable weight, and keep my blood pressure down. If I start to forget things, I plan to step out of the tent for some time.

Kennykenkencat · 28/11/2022 02:40

Mil was going on cruises every couple of months in her 90s pre lock down

I think it was lockdown that brought about a really downward trend in her health.
She might have died earlier this year but it was lockdowns I would say that were responsible for her death.

Kitkatcatflap · 28/11/2022 06:24

Having dealt with the care system recently with my elderly mother - there is help. Carers, assessments, care allowance etc. When the time came, she went into a state run care home. I would say the biggest obstacle, is accepting help. It could be a generational thing as I know a lot of my peers are struggling with this issue and their elderly relatives. Meaning the current crop of over 80s are very stoic and proud and perhaps leave it too late before accepting help and some of them fall through the cracks.

Ylvamoon · 28/11/2022 06:34

I haven't got a crystal ball... so I really don't know.

Maybe by the time I am that old, society has changed and there is more support (financially and emotionally) for old people.

I might be fit and well enough until the day I die.
Or DC decide to help out, like my mum did with her parents and I will do for her.
Or I am not around for whatever reason...

We really can't predict what will be in 30/40/50 years time.

cabinetbureau · 28/11/2022 06:45

I've been terrible with money in the past but now I'm aiming to overpay mortgage so I can have more to save following a downsize in about 12 years or so. I inherited some money (not a fortune but better than nothing) and invested it to help provide for my future.

I have also been lucky enough to be in good health and I work really hard to preserve that in the hope that when I am old I won't be infirm. Obviously this isn't guaranteed but I don't smoke, rarely drink and exercise a lot, including weights, to give myself a good chance of a healthy old age. My parents both died young and I don't want my kids to lose me in their 30s; I want to be around to help them and enjoy any grandkids.

KangarooKenny · 28/11/2022 06:52

I must admit that I don’t fancy a care home either, but being in one isn’t always bad. My MIL was widowed in her early 90’s and it sent her on a spiral of loneliness and seeking attention from 999/GP/neighbours. In the end SS got involved to force carers on her, she declined and lost weight/became upset and aggressive. She was put in a nursing home and is now thriving, put weight on, and enjoys chatting to the other residents. I thought she’d be dead by now, but no.

CrunchyCarrot · 28/11/2022 06:53

I'm in my mid 60s so thinking about this is closer for me than you, OP, and is scary. I am disabled, don't drive, have chronic health conditions. I will not be 'lucky' to live into my 80s-90s. I would rather go in my 70s before things get really bad.

If my partner dies before me (he is younger so I hope not, but life doesn't always oblige), I do think I will also die within the week from shock and grief as I do not do well with any kind of stress.

I would not survive in a care home as I would not have access to the foods I can tolerate, the supplements I need nor the medicine I need.

So all in all, I don't have a 'plan' except to trust to the Almighty than I will pop off suddenly before any of that unfolds.