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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

When you get very very old...

219 replies

Redandgreenribbons · 27/11/2022 21:33

...What is your plan?

I mean when you are in your late years like in your late 80s or 90s(if you lucky enough to reach this age).

I am wondering when and if you have about your days that you may be unable to cook, to shop, to bath.

And to make it harder, let's assume that you don't have anymore your other half to support you.

Even if you own a house and you get a pension, will it be enough? Will you be financially sustainable to live a decent life before your end if you are unable to look after yourself?

What is your plan? This thought really worries me although I am still very young...

OP posts:
echt · 27/11/2022 22:05

OP, haven't you already posted version of this thread, the one about making plans for your older age if you don't have children?

Rowthe · 27/11/2022 22:05

I've heard of these lovely places overseas ? Thailan, where they have retirement complexes.

Supposed to be really nice. Great food and excellent care.

Hoping to retire to a place like that.

ldontWanna · 27/11/2022 22:08

I just hope I don't live that long.

DarkKarmaIlama · 27/11/2022 22:13

My plan is to enjoy the here and now and not fucking worry about when I’m 90.

Look I’ve been a domicillary carer all thoughts of being 90 are completely repressed to be honest. Shudders.

NooNooHead1981 · 27/11/2022 22:17

I don't want to be that old. I'm already starting to get scared about things like dementia etc even though I'm only 41, as I had a head injury 7 years ago and my brain has never felt the same since.

Most days, I don't feel fully 'with it', and I worry that my movement disorder will exacerbate any cognitive problems I have too. It's very negative to say all of this, but if I spend the next 40 years with my brain and body going into total decline, I will need to leave before I get too decrepit.

The thought of leaving my 3 wonderful children and my DH probably will stop me doing anything drastic but if Dignitas etc is more accessible/acceptable, I might change my mind. The thought of it being 40 more years of a progression into a totally empty mind is the most depressing thing I could think of.

JudgeRindersMinder · 27/11/2022 22:17

On the assumption of decent health and all my faculties I intend carrying on living life to the full, driving an inappropriate fast car and having a toy boy…because none of us are getting out of here alive Grin

Hbh17 · 27/11/2022 22:17

I hope I die long before I'm 80. It would be great if we could have more humane laws on assisted suicide but, if not, I think my pension should be sufficient to keep me in a care home for a few years. Not something I'm going to worry about though, as what will be will be.

user1471505494 · 27/11/2022 22:19

I’ve told my kids that a fall down the stairs would be a good idea

Original poster
Redandgreenribbons · 27/11/2022 22:20

Thank you all! Do you know how much a retirement home cost vs a carer at home?

I just put in my pension 10% of my salary... I may need to review that and increase it.

I do have kids but I don't know what life brings and I would like to be self sustained ideally.

No apparently, I am not the one that made the other posts, although I remember some of them and scrolled through the answers.

I am on my mid 30s , so there is still time to plan these years carefully but I still find the whole thing a bit stressful and overwhelming.

OP posts:
lljkk · 27/11/2022 22:20

I used to say I would willingly go to the care home, and early. Make sure I chose it, make sure I downsized well in advance and didn't worry my family by stubbornly trying to live at home long past the point when I could manage safely. I don't mind group living, my sense of smell was never great anyway, I hate hearing the stress others have been thru trying to manage their frail relatives that strongly resisted CHs when they truly couldn't manage at home any more.

Then Covid happened and CH residents got locked in unable to see anyone they cared about , forgetting to eat because they had dementia and didn't even have group meals any more, all for their own "safety". I have a real "fuck that shit" feeling about CHs now.

Suppose I don't know is the answer, now. Supported living, maybe, if it's not a con job like that episode of Better Call Saul. And then ease into a CH when I no longer have the energy to fight it.

DimSumAndGT · 27/11/2022 22:26

The thing about those retirement communities is they are expensive and I have heard about the nightmare selling them on but that’s a problem for anyone who inherits from you I suppose.

Its like equity release, not a great idea but my friend has not had children so she doesn’t care about leaving money to anyone.

I am in my fifties I hope if I make it to that age the world will be sensible enough to allow anyone over 80 with assisted death if they want to even if they are healthy. Maybe they will have just had enough. Personally I have already had so many people close to me that have died young I feel grateful for every passing year.

EmmaAgain22 · 27/11/2022 22:29

OP "Do you know how much a retirement home cost vs a carer at home?"

mum was just in respite care so the figures are literally in front of me. For 24 hour care - depressing - very similar to the care home she went to.

but....the care home made me stop and think. I neither want nor expect to get old but if that worst happens, the care home was better than I thought it would be and the resources etc are good. I was also massively impressed with the staff.

I had been wanting desperately to have a bigger home but less concerned about that now. It's annoying to save for an old age that may never happen but it also made me think about paying more for things like nice food, a cleaner etc.

care aside, I imagine I'll buy in an over 55s place in 9 years! I think I've missed the boat a bit on the house front anyway.

the question mark hanging over it is lockdowns though. If they do that again, house and garden would be better. It's one of those decisions that will make itself, I reckon.

achara · 27/11/2022 22:31

My mam passed away recently but last couple of years were difficult for us as she wanted to stay at home but we are all working with families so was difficult but we did what we could with carers. She eventually went to a nursing home but passed away within 4 months.
I have told my children they are not to put up with that. Straight to a nursing home for me especially if I can sort it myself.
In Ireland if you own a home it works out 7% of the value of your home per year for 3 years and free after that (fair deal scheme) so approx 30% of house price at time of application. (Per spouse if a couple I think). If you have nothing you still get it. My mother was in a lovely home with great facilities so that's what I want. I don't particularly want to be in a home but I don't want my kids to have the worries that we had with my mother.
DP not sure about this. I'm sure he thinks I'll be looking after him lol. I will have a reasonable pension too. My parents lived to late 80s into 90s so I don't want my kids to have to worry about us. It's a minefield though

PurpleButterflyWings · 27/11/2022 22:31

I've literally never, ever, ever sat down and thought about this. It never crossed my mind.

EmmaAgain22 · 27/11/2022 22:33

PurpleButterflyWings · 27/11/2022 22:31

I've literally never, ever, ever sat down and thought about this. It never crossed my mind.

It probably depends a lot what you've seen in your family. Two of my uncles lived going from bed to chair the last few years of life. Bloody awful.

MilkyYay · 27/11/2022 22:36

Move into something very small, but eventually.... im hoping by then assisted suicide will be ok in uk.

MissMarpleRocks · 27/11/2022 22:37

Having watched a family member die a grim death this year & mil with Alzheimer’s, I plan to go to dignitas at the first sign of either a terminal diagnosis (if I can still travel) or dementia diagnosis.

I also plan to make a living will. I don’t want to be resuscitated under any circumstances.

KimberleyClark · 27/11/2022 22:38

KangarooKenny · 27/11/2022 21:35

I’ll see what happens if I get there, no point worrying about something that might not happen.

This is how I feel.

Nowyouseemenowy0udont · 27/11/2022 22:38

God knows! I live in rented accommodation following my ex husband's debt when we were still married and have no private pension, so I guess I'll be living off my state pension and paying rent from it, which isn't going to leave me with much. On the plus side I live in a bungalow, which is handy as I have fibromyalgia, on the down side it's privately rented so not very secure and who knows how long I'll be able to stay. I hope my children will help me sort something out if I ever need care, not to do it themselves, but to help me speak to the appropriate organisations.

Hobnobsandbroomstick · 27/11/2022 22:39

People who are currently in their 80s and 90s were born in the 1930s and 40s. They were in their 30s in the 1960s and 70s. Imagine if they'd tried to plan for 2022 back then.

If I make it to 70, I will be downsizing while I'm still able. I have an NHS pension, but as it is linked to the state pension age, who knows what will happen there.

StopTalkingAndListen · 27/11/2022 22:39

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the user's request.

butterfliedtwo · 27/11/2022 22:40

Getting through the winter is the priority for now.

EmmaAgain22 · 27/11/2022 22:41

People talking of assisted suicide
Wouldn't it be a fairly bureaucratic process? And constantly being asked if you still want to etc. How do they even set a date?

Neolara · 27/11/2022 22:45

My plan is to get to 80 and then start eating and drinking lots of delicious and unhealthy food and drink, so that I will keel over with a heart attack while still relatively with it. Am going through late stage dementia with my mother at the moment. It's just awful. I don't want to live long enough to have to endure that.

Freddosforall · 27/11/2022 22:53

My plan is to move into a retirement community as soon as i can, preferably one that's got care available if you need it. I really don't care if it'll be hard to sell on the little flat I buy, I won't be here anymore. But there's so much stuff going on with climate change and either Russia or China starting a worldwide war that I'm not too worried about really old age - it'll be a miracle to make it that far.